no i promise im not an incel

Why do women come and go from my life?

I feel like the girl has asked me out in most relationships that I have. I can't read signals and they end up having to make it really obvious. I think it's a combination of the fear of rejection, low self esteem, and fear of making things awkward that prevent me from being able to conceptualize that a woman might like me in a romantic capacity.

And then they leave as suddenly as they entered. In three relationships I've had, the girl up and left without a real conversation or discussion. It hurts so fucking bad. I don't know how to deal with it. Why do the girls that I fall in love with ending up freaking out and leaving? I don't know how to hold onto them. I'm so fucking scared.

I think I fall in love with immature and mentally ill women. Maybe I've give off a safe energy and they gravitate towards me. I'm aware and sensitive to mental illnesses but I don't baby them, and I simultaneously don't give off completely unhinged vibes. I think they want to please me, so they become whatever they think I want them to be, and then they realize that they don't like being that person or they realize that I'm actually crazy too and quit. That's all fine and good for them, but that leaves me with less than nothing. It just hurts to have that happen over and fucking over. I think the reason that I'm attracted to mentally ill women is that they remind me of myself, and I want to help them because I want someone to help me. A depressed person's happiness means so much more than a normal person's, and when I make someone happy like that, it makes me feel like a good person.

I don't know if I'll ever find someone that loves me for me instead of my actions towards them. I use my actions to communicate my love, but I want someone to love me for more than my love. I want them to love my insecurity, my intelligence, my hate, my goofiness. Maybe that's why I struggle to communicate my love, because it feels like manipulation to just flat out show it.

i know this sounds like whining and whinging and "oh poor me i'm such a nice guy", but i feel like i've always tried to live honestly, and it's frustrating to not feel rewarded for it. i eat clean, i don't heavily drink or smoke, i go to the gym often, i keep my apartment organized and clean, i try to dress cutely, i try to say meaningful things, i think about the art i consume, i'm socially conscious, i love to learn about all sorts of random quirky stuff, i tend to my succulents, i go to therapy, i have a never-ending sense of humor (perhaps to a fault), i take care of my roth-ira and work on getting my credit score up, i'm very respectful of both men and women, i do my job properly, i drive responsibly, i shop sustainably, i recycle even though i know its not real.

and yet i'm not happy. i'm not fulfilled. i don't feel loved, and i'm ashamed that i feel this way because i know i don't deserve anything for just living life, but it's tiring to go this long without true emotional intimacy and validation from someone that's not my family. i don't feel loved.

i know why. it's because all of those things don't have anything to do with people. i know that i can't be perfect, but it's what i'm aiming for, hoping i land somewhere nearby. is that conceited? i feel out of control if i'm not working towards some kind of greatness, i just lay around all day and rot. why am i an all or nothing person even when i so want to be a shade of gray? i wish i was dating a person that wanted to strive for perfection with me, but comes from the same level of mental squalor. i want to progress with someone and win with them together. i want to mature with someone so that we can look back and say, "look how far we've come together". i just want to feel loved.

I see women do this all the time when describing their perfect man, so I don't feel bad for fantasizing about my perfect woman. Maybe this isn't healthy because it sets up high expectations. Maybe this is healthy because it helps me know what to look for. Who fucking knows.

I want a girl that matches my political, social, artistic, philosophical, religious, sexual blah blah blah...

I want a girl that sees us as equals, who will genuinely reach for the check because she sees us a team but still lets me pay if i want to.

I want a girl that I can be embarrassing with and make a fool out of myself for her.

I want a girl that will do cringe shit with me.

I want a girl that sees my flaws and tries either to fix them or be actively sensitive to them instead of ignoring or exploiting them.

I want a girl that asks for what she wants when she wants it, and then is appreciative when I give it and tries to understand when I don't/can't.

I want a girl that knows what it's like to be genuinely lonely and chronically depressed and socially anxious.

I want a girl that roots for me as much as I would root for her in her career, body goals, and hobbies.

I want a girl that enjoys cooking and eating together and treats going out as a treat and not the norm.

I want a girl that likes to have sex because she enjoys the sex itself.

I want a girl that isn't fat or anorexic because I'm not physically attracted to either one of those things.

I want a girl that reaches out when she needs help or reassurance because she knows that I'll be there every fucking time.

I want a girl that's really really clingy because it makes me feel wanted.

I want a girl that give massages with as much care and intensity as I do.

I want a girl that would never withhold her love to get what she wants.

I want a girl that is smart and seeks to understand what she doesn't know.

I want a girl that sees how both men and women can be manipulative and cruel as a trend, but that we can't just say "fuck men/women".

I want a girl that makes me feel like man by making me do masculine, things like mow the lawn, hold the grocery bag, fix and build stuff, etc.

I want a girl that will trip with me.

I want a girl that will be sensitive to my food allergies and not resentful.

I want a girl that will spoil me on my birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's and lets me do the same back (not just presents but experiences and people).

I want a girl that isn't afraid of sex or men but doesn't have a ridiculous body count that would indicate carelessness in relationships.

I want a girl that doesn't regularly party or drink, but knows how to let loose and go wild every once in a while.

I want a girl that thinks deeply about art and society and feels nervous about the future.

I want a girl that wants 1-2 children and would never shout at them.

I want a girl that wants to live in a small house or apartment in either the suburbs or city, rural life is too boring and big places feel too extravagant.

i want a girl that wants to live in a warm climate with me because the cold is depressing.

I want a girl that is a neat and health freak like me.

I want a girl that sees the humour in everything, from the offensive to the goofy.

I want a girl with a middle class upbringing that gives her both humility and an education as well.

I want a girl that can decorate the house because I don't have that kind of eye.

I want a girl that lets me organize her computer and files because I have that kind of eye.

I want a girl that would rather mold me into what she wants than shop around for someone else.

I want a girl that has some kind of athletic talent that lets her express her physicality, whether it's running or lifting or dancing or a sport.

I want a girl that has some kind of artistic talent that lets her express her feelings, whether its singing or an instrument or painting or writing.

I want a girl that has been indoctrinated into internet culture but sees how disgusting it is and wants to leave it behind.

I want a girl that isn't overly concerned with clothing or makeup because she feels comfortable in her own skin (she wears it to feel pretty, not for attention).
I want a girl that wants to impress me even though she doesn't have to at all.

I want a girl that calls me out when I'm wrong instead of letting it fly under the radar.

I want a girl that would rather speak their heart than let it rot in their brain.

I want all of these things because this is the person that I want to be. Does that make me a narcissist, even though I'm not this person currently? I want to become this person with someone else.

Wait this all just sounds like a dude. Am I gay? fuck.