Brian Schottenheimer

Former NFL coordinator Brian Schottenheimer has resurfaced as a grocery cart strategist at a Florida Publix, where his "establish the run" philosophy has led to unprecedented cart-stacking efficiency. Employees report his playbook consists of three schemes: the Power Cart (straight-line push), Counter Trolley (angled approach), and when feeling bold, the Screen Pass (using a shopping basket as interference). "He audibles into disaster whenever he sees a '10 Items or Less' sign," said assistant manager Greg Tomlinson. Surveillance footage shows Schottenheimer blaming "execution errors" when carts topple near the bottle return, despite witnesses confirming he called the same play 47 times in one shift. The store's cart retention metrics have improved 12% since his hiring, though customer complaints about "excessive cart congestion" and "unnecessary handoffs" have skyrocketed. READ THE SATIRE: https://spintaxi.com/brian-schottenheimer/