Story of Krinita

  1. “Krinita and Astrum arrive at the palace.”
  2. This is pretty inconvinient situation where both sister arrive to the palace and then it appears, there wasn't any reason for Krinita to go there. I recomend making the story start as sisters's home, possibly while Astrum studies and Krinita looks for stuff to do herself. While walking at their house, it may be very easy and logical to introduce this 2 characters and possibly the world by how their house looks like.

Answer: I like to drop into action without digging through a lot of exposition. There was an obvious reason for Krinita to come: Simply because Astrum knows she would follow her anyway. And I will make sure reader would understand it because of course, I'm planning to show that and everything below in an actual script.

  1. “Though, despite her short height, we can't see and understand much.”
  2. Okay, I like how you create a feeling like something big is going on, but if Krinita will not hear anything, what's gonna be interesting for reader about what she's doing?

Answer: As I've mentioned in an outline, this is her POV, so as she tries to understand what's going on, she's making different suggestions.

  1. Astrum flies away faster”
  2. Sorry it wasn't mentioned before - Astrum can't fly. Compared to simple pegasi for Alicorns it takes longer to learn how to fly, but their wings also get much stronger later to their age.

Answer: That's something that can be remande.

  1. “Krinita pursues Astrum into the forest and as she goes deeper, she sees Astrum entering some sort of dungeon”
  2. In my opinion you don't show this challenge of Astrum as official and grand as the actual event sounds like it is. It is a final challenge for Astrum to enter the elite of royal guard, so I bet there might be much grander feeling behind it. I mean, what I would imagine is at least 10 or so ponies escorting her to the entrance, making some kind of final rituals, cheering up and such. This should feel like a big deal, and it also will be especially striking if the environment in the comics was really full of ponies - showing how alive the society is and how empty the world feels when sisters get out of the dungeon.

Answer: First, I think that with a lot of guards it would be impossible for her to enter the dungeon at all. Which stops the plot from moving forward.
Secondary, It would be pretty strange for so many persons to be BEFORE she actually completes the challenge. There's nothing grand about the challenge, but it is honorable to actually complete it.
And thirdly, I think it would be much more interesting if society would be shown in a background, while Krinita pursues Astrum into the forest. Like, someone is smithing, someone is baking, someone is chatting and stuff like that. In this case, it won't be right in front of readers focus and won't raise additional questions + the surroundings don't feel alive, because we notice them - they're alive because they are in a background.

  1. As for how the story goes, with some hiccups, I think its good, but I have a very big concern with... I don't really see how this story specifically is about Krinita or shows, develops her character. I'm concerned with a fact that I don't see any scene that sets a particular, understandable goal for her, so I'm not sure what I should expect or what I should be interested about when reading this story. It doesn't bring enough food for thought and does not seem to be relateble by any means. So in general - I don't see any emotional substance to the situation, can't tell - what her little bit of story is about. I believe if you add some scenes that will make reader understand Krinita's motivations and how she tries to achieve them - this story will be much more then just a “promotional material”

Answer: All I want to show in this issue, is that Krinita is worried about her sister and this is something Astrum has yet to develop. And in this issue I want to show it through:
a) Selectivity of objects she notices and how she observes them. (This is why, I'm standing on a POV form)

b) Dialogues she has with Astrum. They don't simply appear in front of palace in first panel. They speak and Krinita thinks. And reader knows what she's thinking about.

Story of Astrum

  1. The story is solid, I want to hear more about what this 3 puzzles are about though. Also I think you can put much more symbolic meaning in the stone they are after. Maybe even make the challenge actually be much more deceiving and not obvious. Possibly even make it so after understanding what this challenge is about - Astrum may figure out the “hidden message” behind it, that actually its main purpose was to shelter her from the apocalypse.

Answer: Well, I don't really know how many puzzles are there going to be or in what way will they appear. I want to work on that when I'll be approaching the second issue. And I don't really want to make stone anything special. Simply because the stone is not a "challenge", but only a proof of passing one + I want it to be a thing that would be shattered and buried in the stones, just like her future as a royal guardian.

  1. I really recommend actually making the part where sisters get out of the dungeon in issue 2. The reason is - the reader will immediately be quite surprised by what happened and ask a lot of questions - this will spike a question, “okay, but there is a third issue coming, what it supposed to be about? Answering questions?”. If there will be a clifhanger that you tried to pull off - it most likelly will seem cheap, uninspired, because to know what happened(and obviouly sisters were saved) reader will have to read through bunch of lore in 3rd issue to get to the part with Astrum and Krini. So the plus in doing it how I recomended is - you'll actually make people interested in what happened and what there is in 3rd issue.

Answer: While you have a certain point, I still think that if I do that, it would injure the continuation of a story and make a third issue just a filler.

Story of Syberie

  1. “Syberie proceeds to inner monologue”
  2. I assume you didn't plan to just make her think of it without any “trigger”, because if you indeed planed to do this like that - this is quite uninspired and not interesting way to do it.

Answer: No, I was thinking about it in a form of a "goodbye-letter" to whoever who may possibly find it in the future.

  1. I'm sure there is a much more interesting way to introduce this element of the story. First in terms of how ritual is done, and second in terms of how the reasoning of Syberie is shown. Instead of just showing of story through plain lore and monologue, you might think of using “show not tell” and adress that there will be shots where Syberia looks at some kind of scene, that represents what is going on in the country and what she hates about it. It also might be shown in a much more meaningful way where she supposed to participate in injustices that are going on. Maybe she should kill an innocent, that is judged to die because of unfortuante circumstances. Making reader see what is going on and what she is doing instead of just hearing her thoughts may be very striking too - it will shed mistery on the character, and in part, reader my have a lot of fun figuring out what is going on and what her motivations are by himself.

Answer: I was actually thinking about that, but it is something that I'm more used to work with when I'm closer to an actual work. Because when I was thinking about this part, I was imagining Syberie walking through the streets of her kingdom and witnessing things that will justify her further actions.

  1. I recomend detailing how the sacrifice will go - as well. I bet it should be a different form of sacrifice, or some sort of unrelated plan, that triggers an apocalypse like this. There is a lot of space for symbolism, and I'm sure you can find a spectacular way to convey a good scene there.

Answer: I was planning on detailing it more in a script, because in outline I was trying to tell, how the story would look with only important details involved. But I think I'll work it out eventually, because I have no intentions of making it boring and obvious.