Zuckerberg Declares Smartphones Dead While Launching Smartphone

In a paradoxical keynote, Mark Zuckerberg announced "the end of smartphones" while unveiling Meta's new $1,200 handheld computer that he insists "isn't a phone, but a portal to the metaverse." The rectangular device with touchscreen, cameras and app store somehow represents "a bold leap beyond mobile" according to Zuck, who demonstrated its augmented reality features by having a cartoon version of himself explain why this isn't ironic. Tech analysts note the "Meta Window" (not a phone) requires users to carry both it and a smartphone for full functionality, effectively doubling mobile device burdens. Early reviewers report the interface forces everything through VR goggles that show ads even when closed, while the voice assistant refers to users as "data points" and sighs audibly when asked simple questions. Apple responded by trademarking the phrase "Post-Post-Mobile," while Android users collectively shrugged and went back to actually getting things done.