Zoom Dating

Zoom Dating
Zoom Dating Guide for Digital Romance

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Zoom Dating Guide for Digital Romance

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Dating under normal circumstances is difficult enough, but the COVID-19 pandemic has hurled singles into a new world where the inability to meet IRL is the new normal. This experience, impersonal and all kinds of awkward, harkens back to grade school dances when we had no idea what we were doing, but instinctively knew we had to get our backs off the wall in order to put ourselves out there.
Since we’ve already given you some clever virtual date ideas to consider , perhaps a rundown of how to best handle a virtual date will be useful. To assist, AskMen reached out to Claire AH , owner and matchmaker at Friend of a Friend Matchmaking , who has already hosted a number of dating and matchmaking events on various digital platforms throughout the pandemic.
So wipe that screen clean, put on a nice dress shirt and pour yourself a generous glass of wine. It’s digital date time.
With no real urgent excuse for exiting a digital date (no, your throw pillows do not need fluffing), some experts recommend you set a time limit to spare yourself from making an excuse when or if you want to skip out. Typically, they recommend a date be 45 minutes to an hour.
AH’s not a fan of such hard-and-fast rules, opting to let things end naturally.
“It's a good idea to keep with what you'd generally do on an in-person date,” she explains. “If you like keeping things to an hour, go with that. If you generally go on shorter dates but make exceptions for amazing conversations that you don't want to end, why cut yourself off? A lot of your dating instincts are still valid on a video date.”
Now, if the date is a total dud and you do want to opt-out early, be mindful of an abruptly rude exit as we’re all feeling lonelier than usual. Say something like, “It’s been really nice talking to you, but I’ve still got some things to take care of before bed.”
AH suggests sending a follow-up message to say that it was great meeting them but you weren't feeling the chemistry. “
But if you're afraid or they were really rude, you don't need to say anything,” she assures.
With nowhere to go, paying attention to what’s in the background of your call can really set the mood of a digital date. The first thing you’re going to want to do? Clean up, as nobody wants to date a slob who can’t tidy the place that they haven’t left for two months.
“You might wind up changing positions, so don't just tidy in the frame,” suggests AH. “Maybe you'll take things to the kitchen to cook together and have to show off your crusty stove and sink full of dirty dishes. You don't have to go overboard, but be mindful that your space adds extra dimension to their understanding of you.”
When staging your background, try to incorporate something that may spark conversation, like art or a bookcase. “Plants are always great, too,” she adds. “It shows you can keep something alive!”
You could have fun with custom backgrounds and images that show your personality as well. Hinge has even created hi-res backgrounds to “help Zoom dates feel a little more like real dates,” too.
A first date in any capacity is usually somewhat awkward, so when you’re not even in the same room as the other person, you’re definitely going to sense that feeling a little stronger. But don’t worry, there are solutions to quel these anxieties.
Having something to do aside from talking can get your mind off of awkwardness, so AH recommends something as simple as having a beverage in your hand.
“This is less about drinking to calm your nerves/remove pretense and more about avoiding dry mouth,” she says. “It's nice to discuss ahead of time if you want to do your date over a drink or meal.”
You can also play some background music, provided it’s not too loud. “This is another thing that can get you two talking,” she adds. “Choose something that you think your date might like and take turns playing DJ, explaining why you like a certain song.”
Dating over a screen hinders things we take for granted on regular dates, like body language. “Do your best to hold a confident posture, focus on the person in front of you instead of checking other windows/your phone, and do the things you might naturally do to indicate interest: smile, maybe push your hair back, maintain/selectively avert eye contact with the camera, things like that,” says AH.
In treating a digital date as you would any other date, you should still bathe, groom yourself, and dress up for the occasion –– this includes pants. Opt for a computer over a phone since it frees up your hands, but if you use your phone, use a tripod or prop it up against something sturdy.
“Absolutely check out your video quality first,” recommends AH. “Sometimes what looks great in the mirror looks weird on camera. Groom as you normally would, then do a second round of grooming on camera. Sometimes you look washed out, sometimes certain things look intense. There isn't really a lot of rhyme or reason, so it's good to give yourself enough time to adjust if necessary.”
While testing the video quality, get to know your lighting. A webcam is unforgiving as it is, and when paired with bad lighting, you’ve effectively undone all of the work you’ve done to prepare for that evening.
“Go for ambient light in the room and also something in front of you –– like a ring light -– if you can,” she suggests. “Backlighting often makes you look like a creepy villain or ghostly apparition.”
And just like lighting, the angle and way you frame yourself makes the world of difference. “Your face should be roughly centred in the frame, maybe 3/4 to the top,” adds AH. “You want to be at eye level with the camera pretty much straight on. Definitely don't use an angle from below. It's not a cute look.”
Daylight is also complimentary in instances like this, but may not be an option since most dates happen at night. Then again, what is time these days!
Above all else, have fun! It’s hard to come by these days, and even if you aren’t a match, at least you had a reason to get dressed that day.
“Since there's little buy-in to a video date (they're free, you don't need to leave your home, you don't need to do much to prepare) use this time to expand your dating repertoire and, who knows, you might just meet someone great,” says AH. “In general, it's good to remember that any blocks you feel about video dating are largely imagined boundaries. It's something new and new can be challenging, but it's really not all that different.”

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Dating over Zoom? Don’t be surprised if those online sparks fizzle in person

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Associate Research Scientist, Michigan State University

Sheril Kirshenbaum is affiliated with Science Debate.
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For those dipping their toes into the dating pool during stay-at-home orders, it’s been like swimming in a version of Netflix’s reality series “ Love is Blind .”
In the show, contestants must get engaged before ever actually meeting one another in person. And while a lockdown engagement might be a bit extreme, it’s entirely possible that two people have grown to really like one another over the previous weeks and months. Maybe it started with a match on a dating app, followed by flirting over text. Then came regularly scheduled Zoom dates . Perhaps they’ve even started envisioning a future together.
Now, as states start to ease restrictions, some may have broached taking the next step: an in-person rendezvous.
What are the chances that their online connection will lead to true love?
In my book, “ The Science of Kissing ,” I describe how compatibility requires engaging all of our senses. And absent the touch, taste and smell of a potential partner, people dating online during quarantine have essentially been flying blind.
Human attraction involves the influence of cues that evolved over millions of years.
On a traditional date in a restaurant or move theater, we actively gather details about someone by walking side by side, holding hands, hugging and – if things get far enough – kissing. These experiences send neural impulses between the brain and body, stimulating tiny chemical messengers that affect how we feel. When two people are a good match, hormones and neurotransmitters bring about the sensations we might describe as being on a natural high or experiencing the exhilaration of butterflies . Finding love isn’t rocket science – it’s anatomy, endocrinology and real chemistry.
One of the most important neurotransmitters involved in influencing our emotions is dopamine, responsible for craving and desire. This natural drug can be promoted through physical intimacy and leads to the addictive nature of a new relationship . Of course, dopamine is just one player in a chemical symphony that motivates behavior. Intimate encounters also promote the release of oxytocin , which creates a sense of attachment and affection, and epinephrine, which boosts our heart rate and reduces stress. There’s also a decrease in serotonin, which can lead to obsessive thoughts and feelings about the other person.
In fact, one study showed that people who report that they’ve just “fallen in love” have levels of serotonin similar to patients suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. This chemical cocktail can even lead to trouble sleeping or a loss of appetite – symptoms people often attribute to meeting “the one.”
Our noses also play a powerful role in who we fall for. The famous “ sweaty t-shirt experiment ” reported that a man’s natural scent may influence how women choose a partner. The women in the study nearly always expressed a preference for the odor of men who differed genetically from them in immune response to disease. Scientists theorize that selecting someone with genetic diversity in this region, called the major histocompatibility complex , could be important for producing children with flexible and versatile immune systems.
While a man’s natural scent may not be something women consciously notice early on in a heterosexual relationship, getting up close and personal can serve as a kind of litmus test for a couple. A kiss puts two people nose to cheek, offering a reliable sample of smell and taste unrivaled by most other courtship rituals. Perhaps that’s one reason a 2007 University of Albany study reported that 59% of men and 66% of women have broken off a budding romance because of a bad first kiss.
Complicating matters, factors that typically grab our attention in person are less obvious to recognize in a witty profile or photo. Studies of online dating behavior reveal superficial features are correlated with the level of interest an individual receives. For example, short-haired women do not tend to get as much attention from men as those with long, straight hair, while men who report a height of six-foot-three or six-foot-four fare better than their peers at interacting with women. The initial focus on appearance promotes pairing based on characteristics that aren’t significant in lasting relationships, compared with more important factors for long-term compatibility, like intimacy and shared experiences.
Still, at a time when many of us are feeling more isolated than ever, online dating does offer some benefits. Quarantine has encouraged men and women to take additional time to learn about each other prior to meeting, sparing the anxiety of rushed physical intimacy .
For some couples, a real-world date will kindle the spark that began online. Many others will realize they’re better suited as friends.
[ You need to understand the coronavirus pandemic, and we can help. Read The Conversation’s newsletter .]
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