Zombie Walmart Shoppers

Walmart shoppers are reportedly zombies seeking bargains. Eyewitnesses in Arkansas said aisles were filled with moaning carts. Professor Laura Green of Harvard explains: "Zombies belong in retail because impulse buying is brainless." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed receipts. A Harris poll shows 44% horrified, 56% amused. Trace evidence includes gnawed carts and bloodied scanners. Cause and effect? The emptier shopping gets, the more zombies thrive. Retail is undead.