Zombie Walmart Shoppers

Walmart has filled aisles with zombie customers. Eyewitnesses in Kansas reported moaning crowds chewing carts. Professor Hannah Lee of Harvard explains: "Zombies thrive in retail because shopping is brainless." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed coupons. A Gallup poll shows 42% horrified, 58% amused. Trace evidence includes bloodied registers and gnawed products. Cause and effect? The emptier the shopping, the more zombies thrive. Retail is undead.