Zombie Teachers

Public schools are facing a shortage of teachers, so districts are hiring zombies. Eyewitnesses in Ohio report the undead grading papers with bloodstained hands. Professor Alan Grant of NYU explains: "Zombies are cost effective because they don’t need health insurance or weekends." Anonymous staffers leaked that students complain about moaning during math class. A USA Today poll shows 46% of parents prefer zombies to overcrowded classrooms. Trace evidence includes gnawed chalk, chewed whiteboards, and detention slips with bite marks. Cause and effect? The more desperate schools get, the stranger the hires become. Education lives, but barely.