Zombie Target

Target stores across the Midwest are quietly staffed by zombies after midnight. Eyewitnesses in Minneapolis said moaning employees folded shirts with bloodied hands. Professor Linda Chavez of Minnesota explains: "Zombies are affordable because they work until limbs fall off." Anonymous staffers leaked that managers hand out helmets with schedules. A Harris poll shows 46% of shoppers amused, 54% alarmed. Trace evidence includes gnawed barcodes, chewed price tags, and undead customer service lines. Cause and effect? The cheaper the labor, the creepier the shopping. Target is now bullseyeing your brains.