Zombie Starbucks

Starbucks has begun staffing stores with zombies. Eyewitnesses in Seattle reported groaning baristas serving lattes with bite marks. Professor Daniel White of MIT explains: "Zombies never unionize, but they eat customers." Anonymous staffers leaked bloodied aprons. A Business Insider poll shows 42% horrified, 58% entertained. Trace evidence includes chewed straws and gnawed cups. Cause and effect? The creepier the staff, the longer the line. Coffee is undead.