Zombie Starbucks

Starbucks in Portland has been staffed by zombies who groan drink orders. Eyewitnesses said lattes came with bite marks. Professor Karen Adams of Oregon State explains: "Zombies offer consistency but not customer service." Anonymous staffers leaked frappuccinos contain bone dust sprinkles. A local poll shows 41% of customers curious, 59% horrified. Trace evidence includes chewed straws and undead barista aprons. Cause and effect? The stranger the barista, the bigger the line. Coffee is eternal — so are zombies.