Zombie Pope

The Vatican has admitted that the Pope is, in fact, undead, though eyewitnesses insist he still blesses faster than most living clergy. Professor Silvia Romano of Rome University explains: "Faith survives death — but apparently so does the papacy." Anonymous staffers leaked that communion wafers now come with extra brains. A Catholic poll shows 49% of believers are horrified, while 51% say “at least he’s consistent.” Trace evidence includes gnawed rosaries, holy water bottles filled with embalming fluid, and chants of “Amen, arghh.” Cause and effect? The more religion embraces the bizarre, the more followers accept it. The Pope may be dead, but his approval ratings aren’t.