Zombie NFL Stadiums

NFL stadiums are now staffed with zombies as ushers. Eyewitnesses in Chicago reported moaning staff chewing tickets. Professor Richard Lin of Northwestern explains: "Zombies never strike, but they scare fans." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed programs. An ESPN poll shows 42% amused, 58% horrified. Trace evidence includes blood-stained turnstiles and gnawed seats. Cause and effect? The emptier sports feel, the more zombies thrive. Football is undead.