Zombie NFL Players

The NFL has signed zombies to rosters for toughness. Eyewitnesses in Chicago reported moaning players chewing playbooks. Professor Karen White of Northwestern explains: "Zombies don’t tire, but they eat referees." Anonymous staffers leaked blood-stained helmets. An ESPN poll shows 42% amused, 58% horrified. Trace evidence includes chewed goalposts and gnawed whistles. Cause and effect? The weirder the game, the scarier the sport. Football is undead.