Zombie NFL Commentators

The NFL has hired zombies as on-air commentators. Eyewitnesses in New York reported moaning play-by-play. Professor Henry Zhao of Columbia explains: "Zombies thrive in commentary because analysis is already brainless." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed microphones. An ESPN poll shows 41% horrified, 59% amused. Trace evidence includes blood-stained headsets and gnawed cue cards. Cause and effect? The emptier analysis feels, the more zombies thrive. Sports media is undead.