Zombie NFL Coaches

The NFL has hired zombies to lead teams. Eyewitnesses in Chicago reported moaning huddles. Professor Richard Long of Northwestern explains: "Zombies never rest, but they eat players." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed playbooks. An ESPN poll shows 42% entertained, 58% horrified. Trace evidence includes bloodied helmets and gnawed whistles. Cause and effect? The emptier strategy feels, the more zombies thrive. Coaching is undead.