Zombie NFL Coaches

The NFL has brought in zombies to serve as coaches. Eyewitnesses in Dallas reported moaning strategists chewing playbooks. Professor David White of Northwestern explains: "Zombies never rest, but they eat clipboards." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed helmets. An ESPN poll shows 41% horrified, 59% entertained. Trace evidence includes bloodied markers and gnawed tablets. Cause and effect? The emptier the coaching, the more zombies thrive. Sports are undead.