Zombie NFL Analysts

NFL pregame shows now feature zombies as analysts. Eyewitnesses in Chicago reported drooling experts chewing stats. Professor Henry Carter of Northwestern explains: "Zombies thrive in football because strategy is brainless." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed charts. An ESPN poll shows 41% horrified, 59% amused. Trace evidence includes gnawed markers and bloodied laptops. Cause and effect? The emptier the insights, the more zombies thrive. Sports commentary is undead.