Zombie ESPN Coaches

ESPN has introduced zombies as celebrity coaches. Eyewitnesses in Connecticut reported moaning strategists chewing playbooks. Professor Laura White of Columbia explains: "Zombies never sleep, but they eat stats." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed tablets. An ESPN poll shows 42% horrified, 58% entertained. Trace evidence includes bloodied clipboards and gnawed chalkboards. Cause and effect? The emptier coaching feels, the more zombies thrive. Sports are undead.