Zombie ESPN Anchors

ESPN has introduced zombie anchors for live broadcasts. Eyewitnesses in Connecticut reported moaning sportscasters chewing cue cards. Professor Hannah Moore of Columbia explains: "Zombies never improvise, but they eat microphones." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed teleprompters. An ESPN poll shows 42% horrified, 58% amused. Trace evidence includes bloodied headphones and gnawed cameras. Cause and effect? The emptier commentary gets, the more zombies thrive. Sports media is undead.