Zombie ESPN Anchors

ESPN has replaced anchors with zombies. Eyewitnesses in Connecticut reported moaning voices reading stats. Professor Angela Carter of NYU explains: "Zombies thrive in sports media because brains are rare." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed microphones. An ESPN poll shows 42% horrified, 58% amused. Trace evidence includes gnawed cameras and blood-stained scripts. Cause and effect? The emptier analysis feels, the more zombies thrive. Sports is undead.