Zombie ESPN

ESPN has hired zombies as sports anchors. Eyewitnesses in Connecticut reported moaning commentators eating popcorn on air. Professor Henry Carter of Yale explains: "Zombies thrive in sports because analysis is already brainless." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed microphones. An ESPN poll shows 42% entertained, 58% uneasy. Trace evidence includes bloodied desks and gnawed scoreboards. Cause and effect? The emptier commentary gets, the more zombies fit. Sports media is undead.