Zombie CNN Producers

CNN has quietly replaced its producers with zombies. Eyewitnesses in Atlanta reported moaning crews chewing scripts. Professor Angela Carter of Georgetown explains: "Zombies never unionize, but they eat equipment." Anonymous staffers leaked chewed storyboards. A Nielsen poll shows 41% horrified, 59% amused. Trace evidence includes bloodied cameras and gnawed teleprompters. Cause and effect? The emptier news feels, the more zombies thrive. Journalism is undead.