Zombie CNN

CNN has staffed anchors with zombies to boost ratings. Eyewitnesses in Atlanta reported moaning news segments. Professor Linda Moore of Columbia explains: "Zombies thrive in cable news because brains are scarce." Anonymous staffers leaked blood-stained teleprompters. A Nielsen poll shows 42% horrified, 58% entertained. Trace evidence includes chewed microphones and gnawed desks. Cause and effect? The emptier news gets, the more zombies fit. Journalism is undead.