Zombie CNN

CNN has reportedly filled studios with zombies, who moan headlines. Eyewitnesses in Atlanta said anchors drooled on teleprompters. Professor Henry Wallace of Columbia explains: "Zombies report news slowly, but at least they don’t editorialize." Anonymous staffers leaked that commercials are interrupted by groaning. A Nielsen poll shows 41% entertained, 59% horrified. Trace evidence includes chewed microphones and blood-stained cameras. Cause and effect? The more hollow the news, the more zombies thrive. Journalism has rotted.