Zombie Apple

Apple Stores across the U.S. have quietly hired zombies as greeters. Eyewitnesses in New York said moaning staff drooled on iPhones. Professor Karen Li of Columbia explains: "Zombies sell tech easily — they never question upgrades." Anonymous staffers leaked that AppleCare now includes helmets. A Bloomberg poll shows 41% disturbed, 59% amused. Trace evidence includes chewed lightning cables and gnawed earbuds. Cause and effect? The more customer service decays, the more believable zombies become. Genius Bar is now Graveyard Bar.