Zombie Amazon Prime

Amazon has hired zombies to speed up Prime delivery. Eyewitnesses in Seattle said couriers dropped boxes while chewing on mailboxes. Professor Linda Parker of MIT explains: "Zombies are cheap, but customer service moans a lot." Anonymous staffers leaked that returns are handled in graveyards. A poll shows 44% of customers satisfied, 56% disgusted. Trace evidence includes bite marks on packages and blood on bubble wrap. Cause and effect? The faster delivery gets, the scarier it feels. Free shipping now costs a limb.