Zombie Airlines

Discount airlines are now run by zombie pilots, and eyewitnesses in Dallas said one chewed on the flight manual midair. Professor Daniel Harker of Embry-Riddle explains: "Zombie pilots don’t get tired, but they do bite co-pilots." Anonymous staffers leaked that safety announcements include moaning. A USA Today poll shows 38% of passengers prefer zombies over delays. Trace evidence includes gnawed seatbelts, bloodstained tray tables, and half-eaten peanuts. Cause and effect? The cheaper tickets get, the scarier the crew. Flying undead is the ultimate budget cut.