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Talking with Your Teens about Sex: Going Beyond “the Talk”
This fact sheet offers practical actions for parents to help strengthen their efforts to engage positively with their teens and to have meaningful discussions with them about sex. This information complements other available parent resources by emphasizing the importance of talking with teens about sex and healthy relationships.
Parenting a teen is not always easy. Youth need adults who are there for them—especially parents* who will connect with them, communicate with them, spend time with them, and show a genuine interest in them. Talking with teens about sex-related topics, including healthy relationships and the prevention of HIV, other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and pregnancy, is a positive parenting practice that has been widely researched.1 A number of programs in a variety of settings (e.g., schools, parents’ worksites) have been shown to increase the amount and quality of communication between parents and their teens.2-4
Does talking with teens about sex make a difference?
According to teens, the answer is “yes.” In national surveys conducted by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, teens report that their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex—more than friends, siblings, or the media. Most teens also say they share their parents’ values about sex, and making decisions about delaying sex would be easier if they could talk openly and honestly with their parents.5
According to many researchers, the answer is “yes.” Studies have shown that teens who report talking with their parents about sex are more likely to delay having sex and to use condoms when they do have sex.6 Parents should be aware that the following important aspects of communication can have an impact on teen sexual behavior:7
When parents communicate honestly and openly with their teenage son or daughter about sex, relationships, and the prevention of HIV, STDs, and pregnancy, they can help promote their teen’s health and reduce the chances that their teen will engage in behaviors that place them at risk. Following are some actions and approaches parents might take to improve communication with their teen about these challenging, hard-to discuss health concerns.
Your teen may be getting messages about sex, relationships, and the prevention of HIV, STDs, and pregnancy from a variety of sources, including teachers, friends, health care providers, television, and social media. Some of these messages may be more accurate than others. Don’t assume that your teen’s health education class includes the information you want your child to know—school-based curricula vary from state to state.
Identify unique opportunities to have conversations with your teen, such as
In the car. The car is a private space where your teen doesn’t have to look at you but can hear what you have to say.
Immediately following a relevant TV show/movie. Characters on TV shows and movies model many behaviors, and certain storylines may provide the opportunity to reinforce positive behavior or discuss the consequences of risky behavior.
Through text messaging, which may provide an easy, acceptable way to reinforce messages discussed in-person.
Although you may know that having “the talk” with your teen about sex and HIV, STD, and pregnancy prevention is important, having a series of discussions that begin early, happen often, and continue over time can make more of a difference than a single conversation.
Talking about sex, relationships, and the prevention of HIV, STDs, and pregnancy may not always be comfortable or easy, but you can encourage your teen to ask you questions and be prepared to give fair and honest answers. This will keep the door open for both of you to bring up the topic. It’s OK to say you’re feeling uncomfortable or that you don’t have all the answers.
When your teen shares personal information with you, keep in mind that he or she may be asking for your input or wants to know how you feel. Let your teen know that you value his or her opinion, even if it is different from yours.
Provide opportunities for conversations between your teen and health care professionals.
By taking your teen to regular, preventive care appointments and allowing time alone with the provider, you create opportunities for your teen to talk confidentially with doctors or nurses about health issues that may be of concern, including HIV, STDs, and pregnancy. Be prepared to suggest that you step out of the room for a moment to allow for this special time, as not all health care providers will feel comfortable asking you to leave the room.
What topics should parents discuss with their teens?
It’s important that your conversations with your teen not focus just on the consequences of risky sexual behaviors. Many teens receive these messages in health education class or elsewhere. As a parent, you have the opportunity to have discussions with your teen about other related topics. You can
How can parents improve their communication skills?
Various organizations have developed programs to help build parents’ skills and improve parent-adolescent communication. These skill-building programs may be implemented in schools, health clinics, community-based settings, and even places where parents work (see Table 1 for selected examples). Parents, educators, health care providers, community based staff, and employers can work together to promote positive communication between parents and adolescents about sex.
Where can parents get more information?
Which parenting practices are addressed?
Where has the program been implemented?
Which parenting practices are addressed?
African American parents and/or guardians of pre-teens 9- to 12-years-old (4th and 5th graders)
Where has the program been implemented?
Which parenting practices are addressed?
Parents and/or guardians of African American or Latino youth
Where has the program been implemented?
Which parenting practices are addressed?
Parents and/or guardians of 6th to 10th graders
Where has the program been implemented?
a These programs have been evaluated and shown to improve parent-adolescent communication about sex.8-10 The selected examples illustrate different audiences of focus, including parents of elementary, middle, and high school students, as well as the variety of settings in which programs can be implemented, including community-based organizations, schools, and worksites.
b Parental monitoring occurs when parents make a habit of knowing about their teens (e.g., what they are doing, whom they are with, and where they are), setting clear expectations for behavior, and regularly checking in with their teens to be sure these expectations are being met.
DeVore ER, Ginsburg KR. The protective effects of good parenting on adolescents. Current Opinion in Pediatrics 2005;17:460‒65.
Wight D, Fullerton D. A review of interventions with parents to promote the sexual health of their children. The Journal of Adolescent Health 2013;52:4‒27.
Akers AY, Holland CL, Bost J. Interventions to improve parental communication about sex: A systematic review. Pediatrics 2011;127:494‒510.
Sutton MY, Lasswell SM, Lanier Y, et al. Impact of parent-child communication interventions on sex behaviors and cognitive outcomes for Black/African-American and Hispanic/Latino youth: A systematic review, 1988‒2012. The Journal of Adolescent Health 2014;54:369‒84.
Albert B. (2012). With one voice: America’s adults and teens sound off about teen pregnancy. Washington, DC: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. Retrieved February 11, 2014, from http://thenationalcampaign.org/resource/one-voice-2012.
Markham CM, Lormand D, Gloppen KM, et al. Connectedness as a predictor of sexual and reproductive health outcomes for youth. The Journal of Adolescent Health 2010;46:S23‒41.
Jaccard J, Dodge T, Dittus P. Parent-adolescent communication about sex and birth control: A conceptual framework. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development 2002;97:9‒41.
Miller KS, Lin CY, Poulsen MN, et al. Enhancing HIV communication between parents and children: Efficacy of the Parents Matter! Program. AIDS Education and Prevention 2011;23:550‒63.
Guilamo-Ramos V, Bouris A, Jaccard J, et al. A parent-based intervention to reduce sexual risk behavior in early adolescence: Building alliances between physicians, social workers, and parents. The Journal of Adolescent Health 2011;48:159‒63.
Schuster MA, Corona R, Elliott MN, et al. Evaluation of Talking Parents, Healthy Teens, a new worksite based parenting programme to promote parent-adolescent communication about sexual health: Randomised controlled trial. The BMJ 2008;337:a308.
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Sex education is offered in many schools, but don't count on classroom instruction alone. Sex education needs to happen at home, too. Here's help talking to your teen about sex.
Sex education basics may be covered in health class, but your teen might not hear — or understand — everything he or she needs to know to make tough choices about sex. That's where you come in.
Awkward as it may be, sex education is a parent's responsibility. By reinforcing and supplementing what your teen learns in school, you can set the stage for a lifetime of healthy sexuality.
Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission.
Sex is a staple subject of news, entertainment and advertising. It's often hard to avoid this ever-present topic. But when parents and teens need to talk, it's not always so easy. If you wait for the perfect moment, you might miss the best opportunities.
Instead, think of sex education as an ongoing conversation. Here are some ideas to help you get started — and keep the discussion going.
Sex education for teens includes abstinence, date rape, homosexuality and other tough topics. Be prepared for questions like these:
What if my boyfriend or girlfriend wants to have sex, but I don't? Explain that no one should have sex out of a sense of obligation or fear. Any form of forced sex is rape, whether the perpetrator is a stranger or someone your teen has been dating.
Impress upon your teen that no always means no. Emphasize that alcohol and drugs impair judgment and reduce inhibitions, leading to situations in which date rape is more likely to occur.
What if I think I'm gay? Many teens wonder at some point whether they're gay or bisexual. Help your teen understand that he or she is just beginning to explore sexual attraction. These feelings may change as time goes on. And if they don't, that's perfectly fine.
A negative response to your teen's questions or assertions that he or she is gay can have negative consequences. Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth who lack family acceptance are at increased risk of sexually transmitted infections, substance abuse, depression and attempted suicide. Family acceptance can protect against these risks.
Above all, let your teen know that you love him or her unconditionally. Praise your teen for sharing his or her feelings. Listen more than you speak.
Teens and adults are often unaware of how regularly dating violence occurs, so it is important to get the facts and share them with your teen. Parents also should be alert to warning signs that a teen may be a victim of dating violence, such as:
Teens who are in abusive relationships are at increased risk of long-term consequences, including poor academic performance, binge drinking and suicide attempts. The emotional impact of unhealthy relationships may also be lasting, increasing the likelihood of future unhappy, violent relationships.
The lessons teens learn today about respect, healthy relationships, and what is right or wrong will carry over into their future relationships. It's important to talk with your teen now about what does and doesn't constitute a healthy relationship.
If your teen becomes sexually active — whether you think he or she is ready or not — it may be more important than ever to keep the conversation going. State your feelings openly and honestly. Remind your teen that you expect him or her to take sex and the associated responsibilities seriously.
Stress the importance of safe sex, and make sure your teen understands how to get and use contraception. You might talk about keeping a sexual relationship exclusive, not only as a matter of trust and respect but also to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections. Also set and enforce reasonable boundaries, such as curfews and rules about visits from friends of the opposite sex.
Your teen's doctor can help, too. A routine checkup can give your teen the opportunity to address sexual activity and other behaviors in a supportive, confidential atmosphere — as well as learn about contraception and safe sex.
The doctor may also stress the importance of routine human papillomavirus (HPV) vaccination, for both girls and boys, to help prevent genital warts as well as cancers of the cervix, anus, mouth and throat, and penis.
With your support, your teen can emerge into a sexually responsible adult. Be honest and speak from the heart. If your teen doesn't seem interested in what you have to say about sex, say it anyway. He or she is probably listening.
Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission.
Talking with your teens about sex: Going beyond "the talk." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/protective/pdf/talking_teens.pdf. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Forcier F. Adolescent sexuality. https://www.uptodate.com/home. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Widman L, et al. Parent-adolescent sexual communication and adolescent safer sex behavior: A meta-analysis. JAMA Pediatrics. 2016;170:52.
Potter J, et al. Predictors of parental knowledge of adolescent sexual experience: United States, 2012. Preventive Medicine Reports. 2017;6:94.
Ashcraft AM, et al. Talking to parents about adolescent sexuality. Pediatric Clinics of North America. 2017;64:305.
Chacko MR. Contraception: Overview of issues specific to adolescents. https://www.uptodate.com/home. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Human papillomavirus (HPV): Questions and answers. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/hpv/parents/questions-answers.html. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Understanding teen dating violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/teen-dating-violence-factsheet-a.pdf. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Black B, et al. Parental responses to youths' report of teen dating violence: Recommendations from parents and youth. Journal of Adolescence. 2016;51:144.
Frequently asked questions. Especially for teens FAQ042. You and your sexuality (especially for teens). American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. http://www.acog.org/Patients/FAQs/You-and-Your-Sexuality-Especially-for-Teens. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Conversation tools. U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. https://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/resources-and-training/for-families/conversation-tools/index.html. Accessed May 4, 2017.
LGBT: Families. Youth.gov. http://youth.gov/youth-topics/lgbtq-youth/families. Accessed May 4, 2017.
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