Your Son Just Came In My Mouth
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Your Son Just Came In My Mouth
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I knew this day would come as I had been warned by those who had gone before me.He's going to ask someday. She's going to have questions. You need to get your story straight.
Jun 14, 2016, 04:53 PM EDT | Updated Jun 15, 2017
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I knew this day would come as I had been warned by those who had gone before me.
You need to get your story straight. You have to be *prepared* because you'll be caught with your pants down when the kids ask about the specifics of sex.
And, in a dark car, on the way home from dinner, it happened: my son and I had a whopper of a conversation.
While I've mostly recovered from the trauma, my friends are still reeling from the advice I gave him.
The evening started out innocently enough. After attending an event as a family, Hubby and I decided to take the kids out for dinner at one of our favorite watering holes (read: drink martinis as the kids consumed large quantities of fried foods and dessert). We spent that time talking to each other, visiting with friends who'd also gone to the restaurant and joking with our favorite bartender. It was a picture perfect moment: warm sweaters, noisy atmosphere, a family smiling together. I had no way of knowing that my son had questions brimming and he'd decided he was going to get some answers on the way home.
As we had taken two cars,my son opted to ride home with me. I should have seen this as a SIGN, people. Of what, I don't know, but I should have seen SOMETHING coming.
Once in the car, and about two seconds after I navigated the car away from the curb, he dropped a bomb on me: there was a sexting scandal at school and he was upset.
Let me repeat that: MY TWELVE YEAR OLD WAS UPSET ABOUT A SEXTING INCIDENT. Twelve. As in, they don't even have the word "teen" in their ages yet, bitchachos.
Pardon me as I try not to drive this people mover right into a tree.
While he was not involved (THANKYOUSWEETBABYJESUS), he was upset about the consequences, the children involved and the general implications that this kind of thing brings. He wondered what would happen if he received salacious texts, who he should tell, why kids would do such a thing. Heavy topics weighed on his mind and he wanted to talk about all of it. WITH ME. As I was driving heavy machinery. In the dark. Without Hubby as a back up.
I'm not going to lie: I was caught with my pants down and I swear, the deer we passed on the road did not look nearly as surprised as I did when I was driving.
But, I made a choice to keep driving, to take the longest way home possible because my tween was talking, openly talking to me about sex. I didn't know when, or if, this situation would ever present itself again. I don't know if it was the dark, country roads I slowly drove, the fact that we weren't facing each other or if the stars just magically aligned to make him open up, but it happened.
As we quieted from the sexting discussion, he coyly and shyly said, "I have one more question" and the tone of his voice made me realize I needed to brace myself.
"Well. You know. Some of the boys, they talk about this thing that involves blowing. And work. Blow work, is it? Something that is like a job and involves blowing. I don't know what that means. Can you explain that to me?".
I'M NOT GOING TO SURVIVE THE TEEN YEARS, YOU GUYS.
Here I was, in a car, being asked a specific question about a sex act from my twelve year old. In the split seconds that followed his question, I debated: do I tell him? Do I push it aside and tell him that's for grown ups? Do I pull over on the side of the road and call Hubby to take over? How hard will I have to junk punch Hubby when I get home? I honestly didn't know what to do and, as I gripped the steering wheel and tried to keep myself from driving into a cornfield, I made a decision.
I told him. I was honest and forthright. And, then it was HIM wearing the deer in the headlights expression.
As the reality of the answer set in, and, realizing these moments with tweens are fleeting, I took it one step further: I told him a committed relationship is a two way street and when you are intimate with someone, it's never one sided. If he's alone with a girl, it's to be enjoyable for both of them and it's never okay to let a girl please him solely.
I told him that if you get one, you give one. Plain and simple. Because no daughter in law of mine is going to stand in my kitchen and wonder why he's such a greedy asshole in the bedroom.
And, judging from the looks of horror on my friends' faces as I've recounted this story, I seem to be in the minority when it comes talking openly with kids about sex. I've been accused of condoning pre marital sex. I've been told I crossed a line by explaining the specifics of a sex act to my child. And, I've been told that I'm asking for trouble by telling him that his eventual girlfriend's needs are important, too. Mostly, my friends have cry laughed at the image of me driving down the street being asked about knob polishing. And, naturally, they all asked how soon I'd be blogging about my drive from hell....
But, for all the judgement, all the shocked outcry, I stand by what I told my son. I stand by my honesty and I hope, that in doing so, I've set the stage for him to want to come back to ask questions, to get good, solid answers from his father and I. And, in that moment, he trusted me with his thoughts and was open and honest with me. The least I could do was be honest right back.
Because if you get it, you give it, people.
Christine Burke is a blogger and freelance writer. Her personal blog is keeperofthefruitloops.com and she can be found on Facebook . Her latest book, "I Just Want To Be Perfect" is available on Amazon.
https://www.thebody.com/article/forced-swallow
You should know: The answer above provides general health information that is not intended to replace medical advice or treatment recommendations from a qualified health care professional.
i performed oral on a guy i met on the internet. he said he was hiv-. i told him to let me know when he was going to cum so he wouldnt cum in my mouth. instead he came in my mouth and i couldnt pull away because he held the back of my head. i ended up swallow half of it before i spit out the rest. he said if i was worried about hiv i should have swallowed all of it because its safer. not sure why that is. assuming he was hiv+, is it harder to get hiv if i swallow or spit it out? thanks dr. bob for helping everyone out here.
You told the dude not to cum in your mouth and yet he held the back of your head while you gagged on his tallywhacker and spunked down your throat??? Nice guy. Bet he doesn't get many second dates.
The spit or swallow controversy has yet to be definitively settled. As Samantha on Sex in the City said when being questioned on the topic, "I only swallow when surprised." Gosh, whatever happened to the full-throated yelps of "Oh God, Oh God, Ohhhhhh God, I'm gonna shoot, I'm gonna shoot, Oh God I'm gonna . . . Ahhhhhhhhh . . . ." Everyone should give at least that well recognized warning that "something's coming!" I'll reprint a post from the archives that addresses your spit/swallow dilemma.
Oral Sex with HIV+ & Swallowing
Mar 11, 2007
I just came across yuor website and found it very informative as well as at times amusing; not that I'm making fun of any situation, but you gotta admit it: "eyelashes enlargement" being a sign of HIV is a stretch.
Anyway, I'm reaching out to you because I'm HIV+ with undetectable viral load and my boyfriend is HIV-. Last week accidentally, he swallowed some of my cum. Now I'm being the paranoid freak only because I love him and care for him so much...
What are your thoughts, should we be concerned at all?
You are a very inspiring professionsl - great work!
Should you be concerned? Well, are his eyelashes enlarging?
Relax, Max. Oral sex carries a very low risk for HIV transmission. The question about spit or swallow really hasn't been fully answered. There are components in saliva that deactivate the virus and stomach acids would certainly destroy any virus that landed there. See post from archives below. If you and/or your partner are concerned, a screening HIV rapid test at the three-month mark would put those fears permanently to rest, OK?
Different Aussie with Concerns Jan 24, 2004
Hi, While I was in Sydney over Christmas - I visited a restroom and gave oral sex to a man who came in my mouth. I spat most of it out but swallowed an ammount (not much). I understand that unprotected oral sex is not safe sex (though considered lower risk); my question is the old spit or swallow one - which is the most advisable in that situation. Since returning home to Brisbane - i have experienced 2 blisters on the roof of my mouth - How concerned should I be? Is this a sign of something? Or a reaction between my medication...as
I also have BiPolar Affective Disorder with Psychotic features - i'm on Lithium, Effexor, Avanza and Seroquel. Quite worried SGP
So you went down in the land down under? The spit or swallow controversy continues. Oral sex in general, as you point out, carries a very low risk for HIV transmission. The risk for other STD's is higher. Regarding HIV, the insertive partner has less risk than a receptive partner (oral, vaginal, or anal). Not getting spunked (no ejaculation) is, in general, also considered less risky. However, once you've got a mouthful of liquid protein, perhaps the best advice is to get rid of it either by spitting it out or swallowing it quickly. Is one method safer than the other? Most guides would recommend spitting over swallowing, but we really don't know for sure. Stomach acids would certainly quickly kill the virus very quickly. Theoretically, you don't want infected spunk to be in contact with mucous membranes (like the inside of your mouth and throat) for very long. Minimizing this contact decreases the risk that HIV will be absorbed. So spit when you can, swallow quickly when you must, and do not use someone's jiz as a trendy new mouthwash to gargle with, even if you do like the taste better than Listerine.
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I CAUGHT my friend having sex with my wife after a drunken night out together.
I’m 36 and my wife’s 34. We’ve been married for nine years and have a daughter aged seven.
We went out with friends one night and a few of them came back for a nightcap.
My wife had been drinking quite heavily. She started nodding off so I sent her to bed. Our friends drifted off home, apart from one, an old friend of mine from school. He went to the bathroom while I started to tidy up. I suddenly heard a banging noise coming from my bedroom.
I opened the door to our room and saw my friend having sex, lying on top of my wife’s naked, unconscious body.
My wife’s arms were around him. I shouted at him to get off. My wife opened her eyes and they rolled back in her head.
I shouted again and my wife said to my friend, “You’d better stop.” He slowly got up and started to get dressed. He then walked out of the bedroom apologising. He said he didn’t know what had happened.
My wife couldn’t remember much the next day. She is embarrassed and ashamed but doesn’t want to go to the police.
She insists that nothing is going on between them. Meanwhile, I’m full of anger and rage.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re shocked, furious and feel betrayed, and you can’t just brush this under the carpet. From the sound of it they were both very drunk.
If your wife was too drunk to give meaningful consent, it was rape clear and simple, but it is very common for raped women to feel somehow responsible, especially if they have been drinking.
If she finds it too hard to talk about this openly with you, urge her to talk to Rape Crisis ( rapecrisis.org.uk , 0808 802 9999). I doubt your friendship is going to survive this but for your daughter’s sake it is important that your marriage does.
Get Relate’s help to work through all the feelings that have been stirred up. (see relate.org.uk , 0300 100 1234).
MY dad nearly drove us both off the road in a panic when I told him I knew he’d been cheating on Mum.
My sister found some texts on his phone five years ago and it was obvious he’d been seeing somebody else.
She was 20 at the time and I was 23 and we decided not to say anything to avoid upsetting Mum.
We then had a string of silent calls to the house. Mum answered the phone one day and this woman told her everything.
My sister said she’d been sleeping with my dad for a year and that he had given her spare keys to our holiday flat.
My mum told my sister and she confessed she’d known about it for ages.
Mum said they were too old for her to do anything and she wasn’t going to leave him – they’re both 64.
Dad now has cancer and the prognosis isn’t looking good.
I’ve always been a fairly dutiful daughter but we were arguing about something unrelated in the car on the way to the hospital and I bit back at him about the affair.
Some things had gone missing from our holiday home – I knew it was this other
woman – but Dad ducked and dived and had an answer for everything.
I feel so angry that he may pass away and not admit to Mum he’s treated her badly.
DEIDRE SAYS: By all means tell your dad you think he should say sorry to your mother while he still can but if they both find denial more comfortable, you need to let it go.
Nobody can truly know what goes on in someone else’s relationship and if your mother is trying to protect herself from more hurt, that is up to her.
Your father knows the truth and it is on his conscience.
It could help to talk your feelings through with Family Lives ( familylives.org.uk , 0808 800 2222).
I ONLY found out that my partner was married when his teenage daughter turned up at our house.
I’m 45 and my partner is 48. We’ve been together for 12 years and have a five-year-old son together.
One day I was confronted by a girl demanding to see her dad. My partner came to the door and this girl went mental at him.
My partner then told me the truth – that he was married.
His daughter is 14. I felt betrayed. I keep imagining him and his wife having sex while I was on my own.
That was three months ago. I haven’t slept in his bed since.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being deceived for so long is devastating but it’s going to serve no one, least of all your son, to let your relationship freeze.
Ask him why he kept this secret. It’s no excuse but maybe he was frightened to lose you.
If you can be grown-up about this, the children might even enjoy having a half-sibling.
I TOOK an overdose when my boyfriend dumped me but he was then very sympathetic and we still have sex.
He’s got another girlfriend though.
I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 25. We were together for a few months two years ago.
We split due to my mood swings and constant paranoia.
I took the split badly and made an attempt on my life. My boyfriend was so supportive and confided in my friend that he was still in love with me.
He got back in touch with me a few months ago and we’ve had sex a few times since.
I know he still cares, but he’s going out with another girl at the moment.
Could he be scared to commit to me because of what I did?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your suicide attempt must have been very scary for your boyfriend.
I hope you are now getting the help you need. Often the underlying problem is your own lack of self-esteem.
And I worry this is leading you to have sex with him even though he has another girlfriend now.
Tell him he has to make a choice and don’t have sex with him again unless he
commits to you.
I’m sending you my e-leaflet on Raising Self-Esteem.
MY husband hasn’t so much as touched me since I gave birth to our baby boy six months ago.
I am 24 and my husband is two years older.
We have been married for three years and our relationship has always been good – until now.
I have done everything I can possibly think of to initiate sex with him but nothing works.
It is really starting to affect my confidence and I am sure our lack of
closeness will be having a bad effect on our baby.
I am especially worried because he has started coming home late – and always seems keen to get out of the house at every opportunity.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sexual guilt leads some men to find it difficult to link sex with the mother of their child.
Some can’t get the image of childbirth out of their heads or feel guilty about having put you through a painful experience.
But of course you need to talk with him about what’s going on.
Maybe he is also feeling pushed out and rejected.
Then try the tactics in my advice line Sex Play Therapy. Ring 09067 577 162.
MY ex has told our children she’s pregnant and I’m worried she will start to neglect them once the baby arrives.
We divorced three years ago. Our children are seven and five and they live with me and my lovely partner most of the time.
My ex has the kids a couple of nights a week but often says she can’t cope.
She’s had many boyfriends since the divorce, and our kids don’t even know the surname of the dad-to-be. Should I insist we meet up to discuss this?
DEIDRE SAYS: Meeting up sounds sensible. But offer extra support rather than accuse her. Is the unborn baby’s dad still about? If so, invite him too.
Family Lives can help you negotiate this tricky situation ( familylives.org.uk , 0800 800 2222).
I WAS totally shocked to discover my widowed dad has been viewing gay websites.
I’m 43 and my dad has been widowed for the past two years after a long and happy marriage.
He bought a laptop recently and I often check my emails during visits. Pop-ups for a gay website appeared last week.
I checked the browsing history and my dad had been viewing gay websites.
Should I raise it with him or ignore it?
DEIDRE SAYS: Assuming the participants were of age and the material is legal, then it’s none of your business.
Many straight men look at gay porn, so don’t jump to conclusions, and I think it will embarrass you both if you ask him about it.
Tell me what you think on my Facebook page today .
You can follow my life and sex tips on Twitter @deardeidre
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