Your Love Private

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Relationship Advice & Self Improvement
5 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP PRIVATE
When you keep your relationship private, it doesn’t mean that you never talk about it or share what’s going on in your love life.
It doesn’t mean that you have to bottle anything in either.
Keeping your relationship private should never feel like you are depriving yourself of part of the joy of being in a relationship. You should, however, make sure that your definition of relational joy is more about your relationship and less about pleasing/triggering/wow-ing other people. If it’s even slightly more external, you will be robbing your relationship of the very intimacy that you complain about (and question your worth over) an absence of.
Outside validation used to dictate the success of my relationships. Keeping my relationship private was out of the question. I would prioritize the opinions of friends and family over my mental and relational health.
As a kid, it was ingrained in my head, both at school and at home, that I had/was nothing without other people’s approval. I ended up becoming a very superficially dependent, people pleasing and insecure young adult whose sole source of validation came from the outside. I always felt like I had something to prove because I was never taught that true validation can only come from within.
There was no way I could keep my relationship private. I was so desperate to make it known that I was good/sexy/smart/attractive enough to land whatever guy I was with. (No matter how narcissistic he was, I would pedestal).
The goal was to make everyone either jealous that they didn’t have a Happily Ever After relationship as fantastic as mine or put them in a state of crippling regret for blowing it with me and hopefully, make them all feel as inadequate and lonely as I did deep down.
And I did this in such embarrassing ways. I would do this while posting quotes about gratitude and self-love and not comparing yourself to others. I was a contradictory, self-sabotaging, compulsive liar whose desire to prove everyone wrong and be one of the cool kids, outweighed the self-love that I had no idea how to jumpstart.
None of those relationships ever worked out.
As I got older and matured, I calmed down a bit. There were relationships where I felt so genuinely happy, I just wanted everyone to know. What was so wrong with that? I was able to keep my relationships private in ways I had not been able to before but most of the time, there was some new argument or drama that I needed to run by everyone I knew and get their advice on. I had a terrible tendency to overshare.
If your emotional core is not solid and your boundaries are not intact, your relationships will only be able to feel (falsely) solid if insulated by the applause, (social media) attention, and validation from everyone other than you and your partner.
Just over ten years ago, I met a man who was everything that my triggers were not attracted to.
He never wanted me to be anything other than happy – even if it wasn’t with him. Through the years, he watched me fall on my face and sabotage myself as I broke my own heart and got it broken, time and time again. He’s older than me and when I first met him, he was in his late twenties but even then, he was always a very private guy.
And as much as I claimed to want it, I wasn’t attracted to how confident and comfortable he was in his own skin.
I wasn’t attracted to the fact that he was completely available, agenda-less, and didn’t feel like he had anything to prove to anyone. He wasn’t into controlling other people or triangulating. There was no game playing and he didn’t get off to putting conditions around basic human kindness and decency.
I didn’t have to work or compete for his attention, honesty, kindness, availability, and respect. He not only taught me the value of a more private life but encouraged me to share and start this blog. And as contradictory as that sounds, I started to realize that being a more private person had absolutely nothing to do with withholding information or being secretive. This is what inspired my post on a private life being a happy one.
We remained friends through the years and whenever I was with him, I never felt the need to announce it or post about it. Part of this was because he is such a private guy but also, I simply didn’t feel that urge to advertise like I usually did. At first, I saw this as a red flag. Not because it was an actual red flag but because I was more used to being in the certainty of having to prove myself/show-off than I was comfortable just being.
We started dating and for once, I was too busy enjoying myself and our relationship to even think about keeping everyone updated on every little detail. I love him more than I’ll ever be able to express, so I stopped trying to. I just let my happiness and interest in other people (instead of feeling like I have to go on and on about myself) do the talking.
I share so much here on the blog about my life, my past, my trauma, insecurities, fears, failures, and experiences. But as far as my current love life goes… it’s the one thing that I hold the closest to my heart and keep more private than anything else.
This doesn’t mean that I’ll never post a photo with him, never share anything about my relationship with you guys or that I deny I’m in a relationship when asked. It doesn’t mean that I don’t share anything with anyone. Just like there is a difference between confidence and cockiness, there is a big difference between being private and being secretive.
Everyone is different. I know people who have one single social media account for them as a couple (I could never do this but for them, it works). Friends of mine post their relationships daily on social media and it works for them. I love seeing updates and couples that I admire/care about loving life and each other. Keeping your relationship private is a personal decision that needs to be mutual. But no matter what you and your partner share or don’t share, the only thing that matters is that you both genuinely value each other more than the opinions of other people.
Putting your relationship on display is like adding salt to a meal. You can always add more but it’s impossible to undo once you’ve shared private details and put your relationship out there. You may regret oversharing and letting people into the inner-workings of your relationship, but you will never regret protecting your peace. Remember, you can always add salt. And salt is much more effective when used in moderation.
I have coached thousands of people from all around the world. I’ve coached celebrities, a billionaire, psychologists, students, professional athletes, stay-at-home Moms/Dads… you name it. And not one of them has ever regretted keeping their relationship private.
Sometimes, less really is more. Of course, things come up and we talk to our friends but you should always do so with having your partner’s back. We get triggered and want to tell our friends everything. We want them to tell us that we aren’t crazy and that our partner was wrong (but still loves us).
Even if you tell your friends every detail, no one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors. When you run to your friends and family every time there’s an issue, it becomes a very slippery and unhealthy slope. More often than not, disagreements and arguments will get forgotten but not as easily for the people who dropped everything to be there for you. These people get invested and then become even more protective over you (and in some cases, are already lonely, triggered by your love life, and bitter).
Bottom line: the less you share, the less bullsh*t you deal with.
In a world of constant distractions, it’s tough enough to find and keep a healthy relationship. So, why open the door to even more drama and distraction? Especially if you are the one who gets to control that door.
When you keep your relationship private, you close it off to the superficial and open it up to the kind of substantial benefits that can only grow between TWO people.
Your relationship is no one’s business other than you and your partner’s. Retain some mystery. Be a class act and remain on your white horse.
If there is anything I’ve learned growing up and dating as a millennial, it’s this:
And the most beautiful thing about this all?…
The choice is (and will always be) yours. Listen to your intuition and always do what is best for YOU.
+ If you need further and more personalized help with your relationship, please look into working with me here.
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So happy it helped 🙂 Thanks Carolyn xox
Spot on as usual lovely lady, couldn’t agree with you it’s peaceful being private ? xxxx
It sure is 🙂 Glad you enjoyed the post as much as I did writing it. Love you Jules. xx
Couldn’t agree with you more that meant above ! ?
I am so happy for you ?? You are the most kind and giving soul and no one deserves happiness more. We love you Natasha. Thankful for all you do. Your blog has saved me many times. Xx Cat
Thanks from the bottom of my heart Cat <3
Last 4 years I dated a guy (from India) who from he first day was hiding. I have to say this was a nervous wreck of a relationship. It destroyed and devalued my self esteem. So, I don’t know if this relates to being private, but I had promised myself that if a man HIDES relationship with me then I should NOT be with such a man. My ex also claimed that he was a private person, had no photos of me on his FB, called me a friend when I was in fact more than a friend, and NEVER properly introduced me to his family. Never again.
Hiding/secrecy is such a great topic for another post. I touched on it here but will try to write about it soon. There is a major difference between privacy and secrecy. Dina, thank you so much for sharing and for just being everything that you are. All my love to you. xox
Also, you are so much better off without this toxicity 🙂
This post was a breath of fresh air. I love it Natasha!
Exactly how I feel about your comments 🙂 Love you so much Denise. And we are all so grateful that you’re a part of this tribe. xox
But she wants me to to tell people that am not dating her to secure our relationship from her family..not to be aware
Yesss I agree so much! Everything is better when it’s private. Privacy is power.
I’ve always been a super private person (after some bad experiences) and I HATE it when people complain about how private I am. I also LOVED your post on boundaries, it helped me realize that I have the right to my boundaries and that people should just respect that. I don’t need to explain myself to them. I think some people feel entitled to know your business (not because they care, but because they wanna judge). Just like you said NO ONE ever regrets keeping something private. I learned that lesson the hard way (haven’t we all?) and I have learned to LOVEEE privacy. Once you go private, all the drama can’t find it’s way in anymore. It’s empowering.
Thank you for saying this! My previous relationship blew up out of nowhere, but I think the easiest part was that it wasn’t all over social media. It was private, just like the rest of our relationship.
Many Thanks Natasha. I’m in a private happy relationship ?? hope you always happy
So happy for you Syi! Thanks for taking the time to reach out and for being a part of this tribe. xx
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Natasha Adamo is a writer, keynote speaker, influencer, entrepreneur and transformation coach.
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There was a time when relationships were sacred and served as a revered space where two people could find solace, trust, and support. Driven by a commitment to honor, love, and respect, sacred relationships require a few essential elements to maintain. At the top of the list was privacy.
People used to protect their relationship from the influence and opinions of the outside world. Times have changed.
In a society driven by cyber interactions, social media has quickly become a personal diary for many. A virtual container for our emotions, memories, and experiences, social media preserves the most precious moments of our lives. Valuable when used in moderation, the medium keeps us connected to our friends and loved ones. When abused, social media can be a stage for humiliation, exploitation, and shame.
One bad social media encounter can quickly show you that not everything needs to be shared with the World Wide Web. While social media is rapidly transforming into the primary communication source for this generation, the idea that what goes on inside of your home stays inside of your home is one rule that should still reign true, especially as it pertains to your love life.
Love is inspiring and it’s perfectly fine to share your admiration for your partner, but mindfulness is imperative. You don’t have to keep your relationship secret, but here’s why it’s important to maintain some privacy.
1) You open yourself up to the opinions of others.
How quickly we forget the lessons learned in childhood. Chances are if you grew up with African American parents, you were told to keep family business out of the streets. Our parents and grandparents knew the consequences of speaking too loosely about family affairs. By discussing your issues with outsiders, you open yourself up to the opinions of others.
2) Everyone won’t be happy for you.
Want to know who is truly happy for you? Fall in love. The unfortunate truth is that not everyone is going to rejoice at the sight of your union. While there should be minimal concern about other people’s opinions, it’s important to be mindful that miserable people don’t enjoy their own company. There are some people so distraught with their own lives they will go out of their way to ruin yours.
Your delight may breed haters who will drag confusion everywhere they go. Sometimes it’s best to be out of sight and out of mind. The less people know about your personal life, the less they have to speak on.
3) It opens up the chance for your ex to be in your business.
The only thing worse than strangers being in your business is having your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend watching your every move on social media. Hell bent and determined to poke holes in your new love affair, disclosing too much about your new relationship can leave you vulnerable to the antics of a scorned ex.
4) You can filter pictures, not your relationship.
The desire for attention is not a modern concept. Feeding off the validation and approval of others has long been a source of motivation for many. The evolution of social media has only increased our lust for recognition and makes it easier to get. However, becoming intoxicated by the attention of others is dangerous for your relationship.
The world is dehydrated, and being a spectator of your love affair temporarily quenches their thirst. The concern arises when a couple is more in love with the glamour of having a social media relationship than an actual bond.
Keeping your relationship private keeps your motivations pure. You want to make sure that every day you decide to move forward in your relationship you are doing so because you couldn’t imagine a life without your partner, not because you are addicted to the false approval of social media viewers. That’s #relationshipgoals.
Your relationship was great. You and your partner shared some amazing times and the world felt like they were on the journey with you. You gave followers access to your relationship, forgetting that at the end of the day, it’s just you and your partner fighting to make your union work.
Relationships end; that’s the nature of love. But ending a relationship that was so heavily adored on social media makes it much more difficult to pick up the pieces and open a new chapter. Sharing your relationship with the world comes with consequence. You opened your union up for everyone to partake, so if you decide to part ways, be prepared for constant interrogation. Keeping your relationship private shelters you from the added drama. You can simply decide to be done with your relationship, with no questioning, no obligation, and no stress.
6) You put too much pressure on your relationship.
You don’t give people permission to idolize your relationship, but they do. Sharing every moment of your private life can put you in a position to be the prototype of real love. Suddenly, people convince themselves that they want what you have based solely on what they see online. This can be a lot of pressure on both people in the relationship. Now living to exceed the expectations of spectators, it’s easy to lose sight of what is really important, building an unbreakable bond with your partner.
Relationships are already hard work without feeling the need to impress other people. Give your relationship and your partner a stress free environment to learn, make mistakes, and evolve without feeling weighed down by the need to uphold a false image created by social media.
Jazz Keyes is a community activist, poetess and a nationally certified Life Purpose and Career Coach. Keyes supplies clients with the necessary tools and techniques to awaken their divine energy, heal their open wounds and create an aura of love, compassionate and tranquility. In 2013, Keyes was named “13 People to Watch For” by Rockford Register Star and in honor of Black History Month 2014, Keyes was recently named a“Neighborhood Hero” by ComEd’s Power of One Campaign. Keyes in currently pursuing her Masters in Clinical Psychology and hopes to one day be a best-selling author and motivational speaker. She has devoted a great deal of her time and energy on mastering the art of communication in order to create healthy, dynamic, long-lasting relationships.
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