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Dear White Guys: Your Asian Fetish Is Showing
There’s a big difference between having a type and having a full-on fetish.
Asian-American women are sick of sexual stereotypes. Left, a 1930s-era ad from Shanghai depicting an exoticized Chinese woman. Right, an image from an Instagram account that puts white men with Asian fetishes on blast.
Lillian, a 20-something who lives in New York and Boston, is a single Asian American woman who actively dates. Needless to say, her Tinder inbox is a hot mess.
There are the inevitable “What is your nationality? and “What are you?” messages. And there are a ton of racially charged thirsty DMs: “I’ll eat your pussy like shrimp fried rice,” one says. “I want to try my first Asian woman.”
Sure, sexually explicit messages and unsolicited dick pics are par for the course for women on dating apps, but for women of color, including Asian women, it’s almost always significantly worse.
“Most of my single white friends receive only a taste of what I get on Tinder,” said Lillian, who asked that her last name be withheld for privacy reasons.
“No man has ever opened with how white women are so ‘exotic’ or opened with an assumption about how white vaginas are different from other vaginas,” she told HuffPost. “None of these messages have the same intense preoccupation with race.”
Those creepy-crawly experiences on dating apps led Lillian to create The Fleshlight Chronicles, an Instagram account where she showcases the worst offenders on Tinder and other apps. She posts screenshots of their messages alongside photos of herself looking stoic, fierce and totally over it.
Lillian also invites her 21,000 followers to share the racist DMs they’ve received. She posts those, too.  
The point of the project is clear: If you’re going to lazily fetishize Asian women, they’re not going to sit back and take it. They’re going to reclaim the experience and laugh at you, very publicly. 
“We are not here to satiate your sexual curiosity,” Lillian said. “We are not passive objects. We have our own inner lives. We marvel and we create. We work through shit with our families. Asian Americans are filled with small idiosyncrasies, just like any other human ― though we shouldn’t have to convince anyone of that.”
Lillian’s story in many ways captures the dating landscape for Asian American women today. While Asian men are at a disadvantage dating ― one OkCupid study from 2014 found that Asian men have a harder time with online dating than people of any other race, and it’s not uncommon for Asian men to see the words “no Asians” on peoples’ profiles ― Asian women deal with the reverse problem: rampant fetishization and objectification, on- and offline. 
It’s become even more problematic lately, given the fixation on Asian women among members of the American far right. As writer Audrea Lim pointed out in a recent New York Times opinion piece, figures from Richard Spencer to Andrew Anglin, the founder of the neo-Nazi website The Daily Stormer, have touted their Asian girlfriends or partners at one point or another. 
If that seems like a case of literal strange bedfellows for a white nationalist, consider the supposed twin appeal of Asian women: They’ve got the subservient, hyper-sexual “love you long time” stereotype going for them, and they’re part of the quiet, hardworking “model minority.” For white supremacists, that’s a dream woman incarnate. 
“The main problem with white women is they’ve become too feminist” for the far right, Lim writes. “By contrast, Asian women are seen as naturally inclined to serve men sexually and are also thought of as slim, light-skinned and small, in adherence to Western norms of femininity.”
Indeed, not all Asian women are equal in the eyes of the fetishizer.
“Asians are not a monolith, but a lot of men will claim to be into Asian women when really they only mean light-skinned East Asian women,” Christine Liwag Dixon, a Filipino American writer in New York, told HuffPost. 
“It’s like they completely forget that other Asians exist. I’ve even heard men say that Asian women are the most attractive in the world, while also saying that they aren’t attracted to Indian or Thai women,” she said. “There are Asians with curly hair. Many Asians have dark skin.”
The history of fetishizing Asian women
“Yellow fever” is, of course, nothing new. 
It’s been a thing since at least the late 1800s, when the first Victorian men visited port cities in Japan and became transfixed by geishas. French writer Pierre Loti’s incredibly popular 1887 novel “Madame Chrysanthème” (later adapted into Puccini’s famous opera, “Madame Butterfly”) cemented the image of Asian women as doll-like, subservient objects of lust. 
In the U.S., an interesting trend in immigration led to more prurient ideas about Asian femininity. While Chinese immigrant laborers began arriving in droves in the second half of the 19th century ― especially on the West Coast ― Chinese women stayed in Asia.
Traditional Chinese cultural and filial values played a part in this, but so did fear of racism. As xenophobic immigration laws like the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 were being passed, many Chinese men feared bringing their wives abroad given the racial violence they were subjected to.
The only women who did make it across? Young women from poor families who left their homes and took the only work they could as prostitutes, said Robin Zheng, an assistant professor of philosophy at Yale-NUS College in Singapore and the author of the paper “Why Yellow Fever Isn’t Flattering: A Case Against Racial Fetishes.”
“This in turn generated the perception of Asian women as morally degenerate but also sexually alluring, which was used to justify the passing of legislative barriers that made the immigration of Asian women nearly impossible and only served to further exacerbate the low numbers of Asian women,” Zheng told HuffPost.
Even as Asian women were seen as sexually wanton, Asian men came to be thought of as desexualized or feminized ― “human oddities in the minds of whites,” as cultural studies professor Chiung Hwang Chen wrote in a 1996 academic paper.
Early Hollywood movies did the rest of the work. Asian women in 1930s films (most notably the American-born Anna May Wong) were depicted as exotic femme fatales, weaponizing their sexuality to the detriment of the men around them. Asian men, meanwhile, were cast as scheming, effete villains in silk tunics, intent on bringing down the strong, capable white protagonists.
When the U.S. gained a military presence in Asia beginning in World War II, soldiers visited sex workers and more hackneyed stereotypes about Asian womanhood sprouted up. (Think: the Vietnamese prostitute shouting “me love you long time, me sucky sucky” in broken English to GIs in “Full Metal Jacket” and longstanding racist jokes about Asian women possessing sideways vaginas.)
Actress Anna May Wong, at right, and actors E. Alyn Warren and Warner Oland — two white men portraying Asians — in a scene from the 1931 movie “Daughter of the Dragon.”
(Donaldson Collection via Getty Images)
There’s a difference between having a type and having a fetish. Here’s how to look for red flags. 
Obviously, genuine love matches do happen between Asian women and non-Asian men, from the GIs who brought home Korean war brides in the 1950s to couples meeting on Hinge and other dating apps today.
But one would hope that any interracial match is built less on a fetish and having a rigid physical “type,” and more on loving the individual person. 
“It’s totally OK to have a ‘type’ when it comes to dating or sex, but I think you need to be wary of when that type veers off into exclusively entering relationships with people of a certain race,” said Katerina Jeng, co-founder of the Asian American magazine Slantd.
“When you project the same kind of personality, behavior, and values across an entire ethnic group and don’t see nuanced human [beings], that’s a racial fetish,” she said.
Jeng is happily partnered now, but in her single days, she and her friends developed a funny, fast-and-loose litmus test for Asian fetishes.
“Scroll through his Instagram. If he’s following and liking photos of hordes of Asian women, it’s a yellow-fever red flag for sure,” she said, only half joking.
“Besides that, I would straight-up just ask him about his past dating history to see if he has a fetish for Asian women, and ask for his rationale behind his choices,” she said. “If you feel he was genuinely interested in these women for who they are as humans and not for their race, he’s probably good to go.”
And if an Asian woman does decide to date a white dude, you shouldn’t assume she had no agency in the matter ― or that she’s a race traitor.
One of the more unfortunate side effects of Asian American men’s legitimate frustration with racist dating experiences is an Asian American men’s rights activist movement intent on harassing Asian women who date or marry non-Asian men. Operating from a scarcity mindset, the harassers expect women of Asian descent to date exclusively within their race, and they attack those who marry outside and raise multiracial families. As a piece on The Cut recently highlighted, in the minds of so-called “MRAsians,” there are far too many “white-worshipping” “self-hating Asian females” who date with a “colonial mentality.” 
Their concern is that Asian women are dismissive of the stereotypes Asian men face while dating ― that they’re unsexy, too nerdy or not masculine enough ― but the women we spoke to all saw the fetishizing of Asian women and the emasculation of Asian men as twin problems endemic to living in a predominantly white society. 
Sometimes these women fall in love with Asian men. Sometimes they fall in love with white guys, just as an Asian guy might fall for a white woman. That needs to be OK, said Lillian, the Fleshlight Chronicles creator.
“Sometimes we have friends and partners who love, respect, and honor us. People who just happen to be white,” she said. “We are not all desperate for whiteness ― to be loved by it, to be used by it, to become it. Don’t assume an Asian woman is dying to date a white man.”
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Old-School Asian American Actors You Should Know About
Arguably the best-known Asian actor of Hollywood’s golden age, the sultry American-born Annay Wong landed her breakthrough role at age 17 in 1922’s “The Toll of the Sea.” Wong was also quite the clotheshorse — in 1934, the Mayfair Mannequin Society of New York voted her the “world’s best dressed woman,” a big deal at the time.In spite of her personal success, Wong openly complained about the lack of quality roles for Asians in Hollywood. ”I was so tired of the parts I had to play,” she once told journalist Doris Mackie. “Why is it that the screen Chinese is always the villain? And so crude a villain — murderous, treacherous, a snake in the grass.”
Silver Screen Collection via Getty Images
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20 Dirty Little Secrets Women Go Out Of Their Way To Keep From Men
20 Dirty Little Secrets Women Go Out Of Their Way To Keep From Men
A friend of mine — a guy who used to occasionally step out on his woman and hook up with other girls — had the strangest theory about the female species.
"Women don't cheat," he told me, when I asked if he was ever worried she was doing the same thing to him. "It's just not in their nature."
I laughed. Of course, I wasn't surprised when he found out she'd been two-timing him for most of their relationship, after their inevitable breakup, but he was completely shocked.
But during my two-and-a-half years of interviewing countless women, I discovered that there are many, many more things that we ladies keep secret from men.
Most of the time, women keep secrets that are personal to them: how they see their body, what they do in their free time, or any guilty pleasures they may have.
It's okay for women to have dirty secrets stashed away where men can't find them because there are just some things you want to keep to yourself — and that's perfectly understandable. These secrets might be embarrassing or too personal, and only when you're ready should you share.
Either way, women will always keep secrets from their partner, but most of the time these secrets aren't anything to worry about; rather, they are harmless thoughts women have about themselves and don't think of sharing with others.
It might be something like wanting their partner to be kinkier in bed, or that they want to go out with their girlfriends and get a little crazy. Sometimes, a woman's closest friends know more than what their husbands or boyfriends see. 
As soon as we're alone in the house — husband leaves for the office, kids go to school, roommate goes out of town — and we have quality free time knowing no one is going to walk in on us, we touch ourselves.
Sometimes we even just do it if you're still in the house if that quality free time is never going to come. Usually, it's while we're in the bathroom.
And in the shower. And sometimes we really just want to do it in the hot tub, but we try to not do that out of respect for everyone else in there.
From our toes, our chin, our lips, moles on the backs of our legs, and our nipples. And we really, really enjoy plucking a stubborn ingrown hair. Getting that sucker out is, for some gross reason, such sweet satisfaction.
Or the pillow you were sleeping on when you're not around. If you were to catch us doing this, we'd be mortified.
Photo: NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock
Maybe go to a swingers party, have a threesome, or be a dirty stripper for a night, but with no emotional consequences.
And very often, we will dress for them and subtly flirt just so they will. We don't want to actually sleep with them — we just want them to want us.
As long as they aren't rude or nasty, it can be kind of flattering. We also like it when you get a little jealous, to a degree. Not in an irrational or psycho way, just a bit to show you're protective and you care.
The longer, the louder and the stinkier, the more enjoyable.
This includes spilling all of your embarrassing secrets, sneaking cigarettes or other substances, and drinking way more than we let on. Grinding with strangers at a club can also sometimes occur.
But we'll never marry you. Brains and kindness will always trump hotness when it comes to marriage material.
Or sometimes we're just plain excited. And we hate being judged for it.
Hate it, hate it, hate it! But we like that when it's cleaned up, you go down on us more readily. In a perfect world, you would go down on us with regularity on naturally poofy pubes.
And it's usually a deal-breaker for women who are of child-bearing age.
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Photo: Africa Studio / Shutterstock
As long as you're kind and emotionally generous and work hard. Laziness and lack of motivation are inherently un-sexy.
We'll certainly give it the old college try if we want you bad enough, though.
A little belly, gray hairs, even a receding hairline. It reminds us that we all have body issues and that we shouldn't be so insecure or hard on ourselves. Being human is cool, but being whiny about your paunch or constantly fussing over your gray temples is as annoying as us always asking, "Does this make me look fat?"
A gross and pervy situation, another man, being dominated... who knows. But most of us love to fantasize. It doesn't mean we're not sexually attracted to you, we just need the mental images to take it up a notch.
Photo: sergey causelove / Shutterstock
As long as we have the technology, they will never be fully out of our lives or minds. This doesn't mean we still love them; we're just curious.
...as long as we're the ones doing the drunk kissing. We consider sleeping with another man cheating.
We say we miss you but are often secretly glad you're gone so we can totally relax and be ourselves. But we still love it when you come back.
Emily Hingle is a writer, editor, and social media coordinator at LCIA.
This article was originally published at The Frisky. Reprinted with permission from the author.
© 2021 by Tango Media Corporation
All Rights Reserved.

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