Your Bdsm
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Your Bdsm
by Aryelle Siclait and Korin Miller Published: Feb 24, 2021
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Aryelle Siclait is the editor at Women's Health where she writes and edits articles about relationships, sexual health, pop culture, and fashion for verticals across WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She's a Boston College graduate and lives in New York.
Korin Miller is a freelance writer specializing in general wellness, sexual health and relationships, and lifestyle trends, with work appearing in Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Self, Glamour, and more. She has a master’s degree from American University, lives by the beach, and hopes to own a teacup pig and taco truck one day.
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Who, btw, says it's the safest kind of sex you can have.
Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it's important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.
At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD , a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.
“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it's nice to be let off the hook," Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you're the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.
“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner , PhD, author of She Comes First . “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”
If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades ) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna ). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don't make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you'll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else's methods won't necessarily get you going.
Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast . “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”
Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.
Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you've seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad...extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.
But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond:
P.S. Your experience doesn't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.
Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since "eye contact is how we communicate empathy."
Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don't want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process.
4. Consider making it a group affair.
If you realize that you're willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.
If they're not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can't get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it's common for couples to agree that "when there's one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon." Again, not as scary as it sounds!
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you're dating or married.
This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what's to come (emphasis on come ).
Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go.
Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn't anticipate, decide on a word you'll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn't normally say in the bedroom, such as "milkshake" or "turtleneck."
Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it's mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it's clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they're okay, stay by their side until they've expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they'll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.
That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators , paddles, anal beads , and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.
"This is all about pleasure," says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.
The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you're the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your "owner" during the session.
Have fun with it! You don't need to go all-out Halloween-style , but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.
"You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point," says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential . You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.
Whether you're just getting into BDSM or you're a seasoned pro, the practice will always be "an experiential process where the more you do, the more you'll know," says Richmond. She assures she's "very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon," but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don't cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.
It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”
She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”
"The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves," says Richmond. This conversation, typically called "aftercare," is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.
The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that's a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.
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Home Love How to Start Your BDSM Journey?
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Since we’re talking about the basics here, let’s start with the definition. BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism. This is an umbrella term to describe a variety of kinks that fall under the same broad category. People involved in kinky communities acquire sexual gratification through physical means of domination, bondage, and submission.
The sexual art of domination and submission is not new. It has been around for ages and has evolved over the years to become an enjoyable sexual lifestyle. However, despite being a popular choice for many couples and singles in most parts of the world, and after even gone a bit mainstream with the release of 50 Shades, BDSM has managed to acquire a notorious reputation riddled with myths and false beliefs.
If you are looking to start your journey towards incorporating kinky practices in your bedroom or are curious about the bondage lifestyle, reading up on the ins and outs about it is extremely important. Knowing what to expect is the key to having a wonderful experience. Moreover, since BDSM is much more physical than other sexual kinks, reading up on a few things before getting started with your journey might save you a lot of trouble down the line!
A BDSM experience is far from the conventional dating scenario. Most people are either afraid of the concept of bondage and submission or reluctant to own their tendency for the particular lifestyle. Therefore, it can be challenging to find people who are into it as much as you are.
Thankfully, finding people who are into kinky stuff just as much as you are, or even more, it should be your prime goal. The online world is perceived as a far better place to admit to one’s tendencies, making it easier for like-minded people to meet and match. Even if you want to incorporate bondage routines into your regular sex life, ask for advice only at the best online dating sites . And if it’s not working out, you can always look for someone who can satisfy your lust for the kinky experience at the same place.
BDSM is very different from a regular dating experience. Carelessly jumping on the bandwagon might prove dangerous. You and your partner might even end up hurting each other in the process. Therefore, a few things need to be kept in mind when you’re starting with your BDSM journey.
One thing to understand about BDSM is that it does not refer to a single way of domination or submission. It is a collective term used to describe different types of bondage, dominance, submission, Sadism, Masochism, and other such associated kinks. Not everyone involved in BDSM enjoys every aspect of it. People have different definitions of what pleases them through bondage. Multiple couples might have completely separate and distinct approaches to BDSM altogether.
When starting on your BDSM journey, it is advisable to explore every part of the community to find out what and who works best for you. You might have a hunch for some parts already, but you can just as quickly end up liking the aspects of BDSM that you don’t know much about. You can learn what works best for you and what to steer clear of this way easily.
An extremely crucial aspect of an enjoyable BDSM experience is being true to yourself. BDSM, in essence, is much more physical than other dating and sexual lifestyles. Anyone who is not aware of the full physical extent of their BDSM tendencies can quickly end up hurting themselves or their partners. Knowing and sticking to what works best for you can mean the difference between having boosted energy levels and staying down for the rest of the day. Identifying what works best for you and your partner is extremely important for a safe, healthy, and fun experience.
While exploring new dimensions of BDSM, you must remain honest with yourself and your partner. If you are trying new things in the bedroom, be frank about the kind of impact they have on you. Rather than going along with something just for the sake of experience, you should stay true to how you feel about each new dimension of BDSM that you explore.
As mentioned before, a dominating/submissive routine can prove dangerous if you’re not careful. Not just that, having a meaningful BDSM experience is all about keeping things to the point where it’s enjoyable rather than pushing too far without thinking about the consequences.
While exploring new things with your partner in the bedroom, learn to identify your boundaries. If things become uncomfortable at some point, point them out or make a mental note to point it out the next time it happens. Remember: bondage, submission, and all associated kinks are supposed to be fun, despite their physical nature. If things are starting to feel tiresome and uncomfortable, you might want to reevaluate your boundaries in the bedroom.
Similarly, staying aware of your partner’s boundaries also goes a long way to having meaningful bedroom adventures that’ll please both of you.
It is natural to look up the internet for ideas to try in the bedroom when starting out with your BDSM journey. The internet will provide you with a lot of stuff that might sound interesting. However, it is essential to remember that exploring new ideas when it comes to BDSM works best with your partner.
Look up new stuff to try together and decide on the extent. Finding new ways to be kinky in the bedroom together helps define expectations and strengthens the bond as well.
According to The Guardian , BDSM is a collective term used for a lot of things. It is possible that you might not be into much of these kinks. It is also possible that you might be into all of these kinks. However, what matters most is that you end up enjoying your BDSM journey the way you intended to in the beginning.
Don’t perceive it as a one-time thing. It’s a lifestyle. Therefore, it pays off well to think about it that way. While there are many things to be aware of when starting your BDSM journey, the main objective is to have fun and enjoy the journey without worrying about the nitty-gritty too much.
Linda Raley is a Psychology Faculty student, a freelance writer on sex and relationships, and a relationship beginner psychologist-consultant.
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