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You are entering a forum that contains discussions of a sexual nature, some of which are explicit. The topics discussed may be offensive to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum.
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by citygirl192000 » Sat Dec 21, 2013 1:45 am
Hi, this is my first post here so I'm not sure quite what to expect or if I will even get any replies, but I really feel like I have no other place to turn for help.
I am a 20 year old woman and for as long as I can remember I have been attracted to young boys. Obviously this was fine when I was younger, but now that I am 20 it is a real problem. I know I referred to myself as a 'pedophile', but (after doing some research into my attraction) I believe I am something called a 'hebephile', meaning I am mostly attracted to 11-14 year olds. I find myself sexually attracted to boys that are usually around this age group, though it is not just sexual- sometimes I find myself desiring a relationship with them.
I don't generally find myself attracted to boys under 10, however there have been a few instances in which I have been, though it is not in quite the same way as I desire the older boys. I am actually bisexual but I am not attracted to underage girls AT ALL. It may also be worth mentioning that I do suffer from OCD, however I don't believe this to be a case of POCD (obsessing about being a pedophile). I have also suffered from depression in the recent past. I have no childhood traumas or abuse etc, I had an excellent childhood. I have a boyfriend that is the same age as me, though I find myself becoming increasingly disinterested in him due to my fantasies about young boys... which have seemed to be getting stronger lately. I'm not sure what set this into motion (though it has always been there).
I don't feel comfortable telling any of this to a councillor or to friends and family. I am a reasonably normal girl in most other ways but I have this big secret and it's weighing me down, which is why I am posting on this forum now- I basically need someone to talk to about it! I know that my feelings are unnatural and shouldn't be acted upon, but the thought of doing so excites me...how do I get over this? Has anybody gone through/ is going through something similar?
I did some research into female paedophiles and came across loads of articles saying "DO FEMALE PEDOPHILES EXIST?" This makes me feel really alone- is my condition really that rare?! because of this I haven't been able to find any useful info that can help me in relation to being a female 'pedophile'- let alone a 'hebephile'.
I hope I get some responses on this, even if you don't know much about the area please feel free to comment, it will really help me feel not so alone. Thanks!
by Yorkshirelass » Sat Dec 21, 2013 11:20 am
I have no childhood traumas or abuse etc, I had an excellent childhood. So are you close to your mother, father and siblings?
by skeleton-countess » Sat Dec 21, 2013 11:34 am
Hi, and welcome citygirl.
There are a couple of female /hebephiles here, not me actually, but I can totally relate, I'm a girl and I find that people think that only men have paraphilias. It makes it hard for us to find any useful information for ourselves when most studies about paraphilias only include male subjects.
If you are really a hebephile (and don't just suffer POCD, and I believe what you said that you don't think that's you), you'll probably be dealing with this for a very long time Sorry. I know how alienated you must feel, and it sucks.
Thanks for posting, it takes a lot of bravery to write all of this even on an anonymous forum
~ "Nothing happened to me...I happened." ~
by Zebramouse » Sat Dec 21, 2013 1:34 pm
Hello citygirl.
Welcome to the forum.
I don't think female pedophiles/hebephiles are really that uncommon. I'm sure you will find lots of people here who you can relate to.
I'm not a girl but you can still talk to me if you want. (＾▽＾)
by citygirl192000 » Sat Dec 21, 2013 6:11 pm
Yorkshirelass wrote:So are you close to your mother, father and siblings?
skeleton-countess wrote:Hi, and welcome citygirl.
There are a couple of female /hebephiles here, not me actually, but I can totally relate, I'm a girl and I find that people think that only men have paraphilias. It makes it hard for us to find any useful information for ourselves when most studies about paraphilias only include male subjects.
If you are really a hebephile (and don't just suffer POCD, and I believe what you said that you don't think that's you), you'll probably be dealing with this for a very long time Sorry. I know how alienated you must feel, and it sucks.
Thanks for posting, it takes a lot of bravery to write all of this even on an anonymous forum
Zebramouse wrote:Hello citygirl.
Welcome to the forum.
I don't think female pedophiles/hebephiles are really that uncommon. I'm sure you will find lots of people here who you can relate to.
I'm not a girl but you can still talk to me if you want. (＾▽＾)
by skeleton-countess » Sat Dec 21, 2013 8:46 pm
Glad to help!
And don't worry about enjoying your fantasies. I enjoy mine too. As long as you know there's a line that can't be crossed, it's perfectly all right to accept your fantasies. Fantasies aren't hurting anyone
Are you still worried about what to do about your boyfriend? I understand it being harder to stay with him when you're losing interest in him.
~ "Nothing happened to me...I happened." ~
by seekingclarity2day » Sat Dec 21, 2013 9:05 pm
Welcome to the forums citygirl...
While I'm not a pedophile (or a female), I definitely known what it is like to struggle with something similar and to feel alone. Realize that your not nearly as alone as you feel though!
I'm not sure how close you are with your boyfriend, or how he'd feel about things, but involving him into your fantasies may be one way of keeping you interest in him and also keeping things in check. I know that would help me, but alas my SO has found some things out and isn't so accepting of some, though we are going to start seeing a sex counselor so maybe that will help. If you don't think he'd be supportive though, I would definitely not say anything to him (And I don't think that would help the relationship either.)
Hang in there, there are females in here with similar interests and they can help, and the rest of us can at least relate if you need to talk and vent!
by Ghost147 » Sat Dec 21, 2013 9:25 pm
Personally, I knew of one confirmed Pedophile who is also female, and was also your age. She, on the other hand, was interested in girls between the ages of 7-11, so technically she is a pedophile, not a hebephile. Coincidentally, she too had OCD, and not POCD.
So you are most definitely not alone. It would appear that the only reason why people say "Do Female Pedophiles Even Exist?" is due to a massive and misguided misconception. Not only is it less offensive to society when an "older" woman wants a younger man, but it's practically a congratulatory event on behalf of the young man. Which is absurd. Sexual abuse, regardless of what gender it is coming from or being placed on, is sexual abuse, and can be equally as damaging.
Where you do not share similarities with the individual I've met, is that she didn't want a relationship with these young girls.
____________________________________________________________________________________
*TRIGGER*
____________________________________________________________________________________
She said she wanted to destroy them, physically and mentally. To her, her pedophilia was purely sadistic and sexual. She wanted rape, and said she viewed herself as a man in those senses and wished she could do unto them as a man would
____________________________________________________________________________________
*TRIGGER OVER*
____________________________________________________________________________________
With you, it's a distress that is due to a romantic-sexuality with these young boys. It is no different from a romantic sexuality when a heterosexual individual relates to an opposite sex, or a homosexual individual relates to the same sex. Your sexuality is the same in every aspect, purely with a different subject. Although you and others would disagree with this next statement, your sexuality is just as normal as any other sexuality.
If you would like to have a more personal conversation about the matter, or had any specific questions, you're free to send me a personal message any time you like.
Welcome to the forums!
"A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at."
~Bruce Lee
by citygirl192000 » Sat Dec 21, 2013 10:12 pm
skeleton-countess wrote:Glad to help!
And don't worry about enjoying your fantasies. I enjoy mine too. As long as you know there's a line that can't be crossed, it's perfectly all right to accept your fantasies. Fantasies aren't hurting anyone
Are you still worried about what to do about your boyfriend? I understand it being harder to stay with him when you're losing interest in him.
seekingclarity2day wrote:I'm not sure how close you are with your boyfriend, or how he'd feel about things, but involving him into your fantasies may be one way of keeping you interest in him and also keeping things in check. I know that would help me, but alas my SO has found some things out and isn't so accepting of some, though we are going to start seeing a sex counselor so maybe that will help. If you don't think he'd be supportive though, I would definitely not say anything to him (And I don't think that would help the relationship either.)
by Ghost147 » Sat Dec 21, 2013 10:41 pm
citygirl192000 wrote:I do recognize that there is a line that many be crossed, but I do find myself very tempted to cross it sometimes I know that's bad.
I've been with my boyfriend for four years, however I do sometimes feel like I'm with him for 'convenience' now. When I first met him he was 15 and looked even younger, but over the past year or two he's become a 'gym freak', and I'm finding myself less attracted to his more, er, manly physique. I've told him that I like skinny guys, and that muscles are v unattractive to me, but I don't want to keep stressing this to him in case it makes him feel like I'm not attracted to him. Also, if I leave this relationship I feel that I'd be more likely to pursue one with a minor
(Sorry to go on a rant about my relationship, i just feel like maybe this info is relevant)
citygirl192000 wrote:I just KNOW he'd be disgusted if I told him about these feelings. He was not even happy about me being bisexual, and still isn't tbh. However, I am very tempted to tell him, just because I feel like I need to get this off my chest to at least one person
"A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at."
~Bruce Lee
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