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At least at home, I know they won’t run out of condoms or be put in a situation where they don’t feel like they can say no.
Like most parents, I try to avoid thinking about my kids having sex. Having been a teenager myself once upon a time, I knew it was likely they’d decide to have sex before adulthood. But it never occurred to me that when my teens did choose to have sex, they’d do it in my house.
Talking openly about sex is one thing. But dealing with my kids actually having sex is another thing entirely. In theory, it’s important not to stigmatize my kids’ sex lives or create shame around it that can last a lifetime. In practice, when I began to suspect that one of my teens was having sex, it was tempting to forbid him from spending time alone with his girlfriend.
My teens aren’t the first ones in their friend group to have sex. They were shocked when their friends began having sex as freshmen—at 13 or 14 years old—and I’ll admit that I was shocked too. The most surprising aspect of their friends’ newfound sex lives was that it was the kids whose parents were the strictest who had sex the youngest. If I was looking for proof that trying to control my kids’ sex lives would be effective, I didn’t find it.
As their friends become sexually active, my kids had questions. Sometimes, those questions were about working through their own feelings about sex, but other times they were far more logistical in nature: Where could their friends get free birth control? What type of birth control was the most effective? And when all else failed, where could they go for an abortion? More than once, they even brought their friends to me to talk about their relationships and birth control options.
I’ve talked to my kids about safe sex many times, but those awkward conversations didn’t prepare them for all of the nuances of having safe sex in practice. It was only when my teens came to me to talk about their concerns about one of their siblings having sex that I realized how many things I still had left to say. I’d told my son to use a condom, of course, but had I emphasized the importance of using two methods of protection to prevent pregnancy? Did my son know that he could always come to me to ask me to buy more condoms if our supply ran out?
But most importantly, would my son still practice safe sex if I made it harder for him to have sex at home? At least at home, I know they won’t run out of condoms or be put in a situation where they don’t feel like they can say no. Switching to an open-door policy began to seem ill-advised rather than sensible.
That doesn’t mean it’s not uncomfortable for me—or my other teens. They’ve asked me to “do something” about their brother’s sex life when they discovered sex toys in his bedroom. But as I reminded them, they probably shouldn’t barge into his bedroom to “borrow” his stuff if they don’t want to see things that make them uncomfortable.
Sex is a natural part of life, and part of me is glad that my son feels comfortable enough to experiment now. Many people don’t feel that confident in their sexuality until well into adulthood. Another part of me is still pretty horrified, but I’m not sure I’ll feel any less horrified by the thought of my kids having sex even when they’re 50.
The reality is that my kids are going to have sex. And so are yours. The average American has sex for the first time at 17 years old . As tempting as it is to hope that preaching abstinence will prevent kids from having sex, we know abstinence-only sex education doesn’t work . Like it or not, your child is probably still going to be living at home when they have sex for the first time.
If given the choice between my kids’ first sexual experience happening in a safe place or at a party, in the backseat of a car or god knows where else, I have to believe that allowing them to have sex at home makes sense. I’m just thankful that I had the good sense to put my teenagers’ bedrooms downstairs.
Jody Allard is a former techie-turned-freelance-writer living in Seattle. She can be reached through her website , on Twitter or via her Facebook page .

Dec. 2, 2002 -- Forget lover's lane and the backseat of a borrowed car on a Saturday night, most teens are having sex at home after school. A new study shows 91% of sexually active high school students last had sex in a home setting, such as their own home, their partner's home, or at a friend's house. And prime time for sexual activity is before their parents get home from work.
The survey of urban teens also found that the more time teenagers spent unsupervised after school, the more likely they were to be sexually active, have a sexually transmitted disease ( STD ), or, in the case of boys, use tobacco or alcohol.
The results appear in the December issue of Pediatrics .
Researchers say the findings show boosting participation in after-school activities and increasing adult supervision at home or at community centers are worth considering as tools to help reduce risky behaviors like sex and drug use among youth. Until now, most interventions have focused primarily on promoting abstinence, refusal skills, and negotiation tactics.
The survey involved about 2,000 students from six urban public high schools who participated in a school-based STD screening program. Ninety-eight percent of the students were black and most lived in a single-parent home.
More than half of the students said they were at home without adult supervision for four or more hours per day after school; there was no difference in the number of unsupervised hours after school between children living in one- or two-parent homes.
Researchers found teens that were unsupervised for 30 or more hours per week were more likely to be sexually active compared to those who were unsupervised for five hours or less a week (80% vs. 68%). Among the 91% of teens who said the last time they had sex was in a home setting, 37% had sex in their own home, 43% at their partner's home, and 12% at a friend's house.
Fifty-six percent of the youths who had intercourse said it happened on a weekday, and 35% reported that it happened before 6 p.m. versus 21% after 6 p.m.
The effects of a lack of adult supervision were especially pronounced among males. Boys who were unsupervised for more than five hours per week after school were twice as likely to have gonorrhea or chlamydia infection as boys who were unsupervised less than five hours a week.
In addition, researchers found that the greater the number of unsupervised hours among boys, the higher the number of lifetime sexual partners the boys reported. Tobacco and alcohol use were also linked to larger amounts of unsupervised time among boys, but not girls.
Researcher Deborah Cohen, MD, MPH, of the RAND Corporation in Santa Monica, Calif., and colleagues say that given the association between lack of supervision and sexual behavior and substance use, increasing adult supervision may be an underutilized strategy.
"Parents and community members should consider increasing opportunities for supervised activities to determine whether this will reduce risk-taking among youths," they write.
In fact, the study found that students who participated in after-school activities were less likely to be sexually active than those who didn't participate (71% versus 59%).
SOURCE: Pediatrics , December 2002. -->
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WOIO 1717 E. 12th Street Cleveland, OH 44114 (216) 771-1943
A Gray Media Group, Inc. Station - © 2002-2022 Gray Television, Inc.
More stories to check out before you go
SOUTH AMHERST, Ohio – Authorities in the small Lorain County town of South Amherst are investigating the circumstances that led to the creation of a video showing underage teen-agers having sex while young classmates watched, 19/43 News' Bill Younkin reported.
The teens involved were all students at Firelands High School. Firelands students, including senior Jim Wilgor, said that they've heard about the videotape, which shows a 15-year-old girl and 16-year-old boy having sex in front of other students.
"I don't think it's right, and I think they should be punished," Wilgor said.
Deputies said that the incident apparently took place on a late Friday night in the 16-year-old boy's home.
"There are quite a few people involved, as far as witnesses go -- witnesses who were there," Sheriff's investigator Det. Carl Yost said.
Yost said he believes that the girl was a voluntary participant. He said that the girl's mother found the tape, and called the sheriff's department.
The South Amherst community, including those people at Dewey's Barber Shop on Tuesday, is just starting to hear about the investigation, and they are in shock because their idea of children at play certainly doesn't include what is on the tape.
"It's ridiculous," Paul Shank said. "They have no morals whatsoever."
"It's unbelievable," barber Dewey Acord said. "It just doesn't make sense for young kids to get involved in stuff like that."
Now, the teens face a lot of questioning by not only detectives, but their parents as well.
Investigators said that they hope to wrap up the investigation and hand over the facts to the county prosecutor by the end of the week.

WOIO 1717 E. 12th Street Cleveland, OH 44114 (216) 771-1943
A Gray Media Group, Inc. Station - © 2002-2022 Gray Television, Inc.
More stories to check out before you go
SOUTH AMHERST, Ohio – Authorities in the small Lorain County town of South Amherst are investigating the circumstances that led to the creation of a video showing underage teen-agers having sex while young classmates watched, 19/43 News' Bill Younkin reported.
The teens involved were all students at Firelands High School. Firelands students, including senior Jim Wilgor, said that they've heard about the videotape, which shows a 15-year-old girl and 16-year-old boy having sex in front of other students.
"I don't think it's right, and I think they should be punished," Wilgor said.
Deputies said that the incident apparently took place on a late Friday night in the 16-year-old boy's home.
"There are quite a few people involved, as far as witnesses go -- witnesses who were there," Sheriff's investigator Det. Carl Yost said.
Yost said he believes that the girl was a voluntary participant. He said that the girl's mother found the tape, and called the sheriff's department.
The South Amherst community, including those people at Dewey's Barber Shop on Tuesday, is just starting to hear about the investigation, and they are in shock because their idea of children at play certainly doesn't include what is on the tape.
"It's ridiculous," Paul Shank said. "They have no morals whatsoever."
"It's unbelievable," barber Dewey Acord said. "It just doesn't make sense for young kids to get involved in stuff like that."
Now, the teens face a lot of questioning by not only detectives, but their parents as well.
Investigators said that they hope to wrap up the investigation and hand over the facts to the county prosecutor by the end of the week.

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