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How to talk about online pornography with your child



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Parental Controls




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Get advice on what conversations to have and which controls and filters to set to prepare and protect your child from seeing online pornography.
When starting a conversation it is best to meet them where they are and establish what they need to know and what can be explained later as they gain more understanding about the world around them and their own body.
Before starting a conversation about online porn, it’s best to put it into the context of what healthy relationships look like, talk about issues around puberty and what consent is.
It’s good for your child to know that they can, and should, come to you if they come across something upsetting online. Make sure they know that you won’t overreact or be shocked by whatever they tell you.#
Give them positive messages. It’s important to talk to them about loving sexual relationships – to understand how to be respectful in relationships.
Curiosity about sex and interest is a normal part of a child’s development. If your child is young and has come across pornography by mistake, they are much more likely to need reassurance and support.
Article: An Age By Age Guide to Sex Education – And What to Do! (by Cath Hakanson)
Visit the AMAZE website for age-appropriate information about puberty for tweens and parents.
Pornography can be a difficult subject to talk about with children, especially younger ones. But it’s important to let your child know that pornography doesn’t show a realistic picture of sex and relationships. Our ambassador Dr Linda Papadopoulos provides age-specific do’s and don’ts to consider when addressing online pornography with children as they grow.
Addressing Pornography: Supporting 6-10s
Addressing Pornography: Supporting 11-13s
Addressing Pornography: Supporting teens
Typically by the age of 15 children have been exposed to online pornography in some way so, it’s important to be proactive and start having conversations early on to make sure they have a realistic view of the issue.
And of course when they start to ask about where babies come from it could be a good trigger to start an age-appropriate conversation about their bodies and what healthy relationships look like.
If you are triggered to talk to them because you suspect they have seen porn or you feel it’s time to have the talk, these tips may help the conversation:
NSPCC Pants guide is a great tool to help children understand consent and protect them from sexual abuse
Use TeachConsent.org’s conversation guide for parents on how to talk about consent with children
If you seem embarrassed to talk about sex and pornography your child will also feel uncomfortable and will be unlikely to let you know if they have seen sexual images. Try techniques like getting them to write things down, or start conversations when they don’t have to look you in the eye, for example, when in the car, or walking home from school.
Children may hear or see things at school which they have questions about. Use this as an opportunity to ask them more about what they know and give them the right information.
Talking about issues as they come up on TV, in movies or online can help you kick start a conversation to talk about your values and belief on these issues.
A deep discussion on pornography isn’t recommended for younger children. However, whatever the age of your children, it’s good for them to know that they can, and should, come to you if they come across something upsetting or that makes them feel uncomfortable online. Make sure that they know they can come and talk to you – and that you won’t overreact or be shocked by whatever they tell you.
Talk to them about loving sexual relationships and how to have respect for themselves and their boyfriends / girlfriends / partners.
Recognise that children are naturally curious about sex and like to explore. An interest in sex is a normal part of a child’s development. If your child is young and has come across pornography by mistake, they are much more likely to need reassurance and support.
Share this video with your child to highlight the difference between what is fantasy and real when it comes to depictions of sex in porn.
If you have a young child, encourage them to use child-friendly search engines, such as Swiggle or Kids-search .
Safe search settings can also be activated through Google and Bing parental controls. For other search engines, go to their safety settings page. Don’t forget to opt for the safety mode on YouTube , iTunes and Google Play .
Parental controls should be installed on every device your child uses: mobile phone, tablet and games consoles (both home and handheld) .
We’ve created simple step by step guides to protect your family from inappropriate content online. We’ll show you step by step information on how to set parental controls across your home broadband and a range of mobile devices, games consoles and entertainment sites that your children might use.
If you’re worried about your children accessing pornography by accidentally clicking on inappropriate adverts in pop-ups, Norton has advice on how to stop these.
No filter is 100% effective. Make sure you talk to you talk to your child about why you are settings these boundaries and how the filters will create a safer space for them to explore without the fear of seeing something they are not ready for. Use Childnet’s family agreement template to start the conversation and agree on some boundaries to ensure they make safer choices online.
Look in the browser history at the search terms your child has been using and the sites they’ve visited. Keep an eye on the apps they’ve downloaded on their phones too. If you find something that you feel is inappropriate, you can add it to your parental controls filter list.
Visit our Set up Safe how-to guides to find out how set parental controls on a range of devices, apps, games and networks.

See more articles and resources to help children stay safe online

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Why did one teenager face 90 years in jail for viewing porn?
Jan. 12, 2007— -- Sixteen-year-old Matthew Bandy was about as normal a teenager as you could find. He actually liked hanging out with his family.
"He was a happy-go-lucky kid," said his mother, Jeannie Bandy. "Very personable, and big-hearted. I sound like a boastful mom, but I guess the biggest thing is that he could always make me laugh."
"We went on vacations and had a lot of fun together," Matthew said. "I just enjoyed the life I was living. But after I was accused, everything changed."
What was Matthew Bandy accused of? Jeannie and Greg Bandy were shocked to discover that their son was charged with possession of child pornography.
One December morning two years ago, Matthew's life took a dramatic turn. In an exclusive interview with "20/20," the Bandy family reveals how the world as they knew it came crumbling down, and how Matthew's life has since changed.
It has been two years since police officers stood at the doorstep of the Bandy home with a search warrant bearing a devastating charge -- possession of child pornography.
"It was 6 a.m. It was still dark…there was this pounding at the door," Jeannie Bandy said. "I was petrified."
Police officers stormed into the house with guns pointed. "The first thing I thought was, someone's trying to break in our house," Matthew said. "And then there [were] police officers with guns pointed at me, telling me to get downstairs."
Greg Bandy was handed the search warrant and informed that the central suspect was Matthew. According to the warrant, nine images of young girls in suggestive poses were found on the Bandy family computer. Yahoo monitors chat rooms for suspicious content and reported that child porn was uploaded from the computer at the Bandys' home address.
"When they asked me have you ever looked up or uploaded or downloaded erotic images of minors, I was just taken aback and…I said, 'No,'" says Matthew.
Nevertheless, Matthew did have an embarrassing confession. He had been sneaking peaks at adult erotic photos on the family computer. "I got the Web site from a bunch of friends at school. [It was] just adult pornography…Playboy-like images."
Difficult to admit, but not illegal -- or so it seemed. Still, it didn't look good for Matt, as police confiscated the computer and left the house that December day. A family was shattered.
"I still remember when they were cleaning up and leaving and of course I was still in my pajamas and my bathrobe and my fuzzy slippers," Jeannie Bandy said. "I said, 'What do we do now? Should I contact a lawyer?' [The police officer] said, 'Well, they are felonies that the state takes very serious.'"
The Bandys would soon find out just how serious the charges against Matthew were. The family hired Ed Novak, a well-respected attorney from a large law firm in downtown Phoenix.
"20/20" correspondent Jim Avila asked Novak what the family was up against.
"We faced 10 years per count, there were nine counts," said Novak. "If Matt was convicted, those sentences would have to be served consecutively. In other words, he would have been sentenced to 90 years in prison. He would have served time until he died."
Greg and Jeannie Bandy knew their son well. They were shocked at the serious charges against him and frightened by the prospect of such a serious sentence.
"He's never done any drugs," Greg said. "He never drank a drop of alcohol. He's never been a problem, never stayed out late and gotten into trouble or anything like that."
Arizona child pornography laws are among the harshest in the country. As soon as Matthew was charged, he was put on virtual house arrest, and an electronic bracelet was attached to his ankle to monitor his movements 24 hours a day.
"It was just terrifying. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know why it was happening," Matthew recalled.
Matthew was in an awful predicament, and he tried to keep his house arrest a secret. He wore longer pants to hide the ankle bracelet, but he was scared he would be discovered.
"Yes, I was very scared," he said. "If they found out that I was wearing an ankle bracelet all of a sudden they would be wondering, why are you wearing that? And I had no good answer for them."
The shy young boy could not explain how such pictures appeared on his computer hard drive. The stress of the situation got so bad for Matthew that he told his parents the charges hanging over his head made high school impossible.
"He said 'Mom, I'm hurting,'" said Jeannie. "'I can't sleep. I don't want to disappoint anybody, but I just can't go on anymore.'"
Matt's dreams had been destroyed and his mother was crushed. And even though there was no proof that Matthew personally downloaded those nine pictures, it would be difficult to prove his innocence. Novak said that the pictures alone were practically all the evidence the police needed.
"I thought his chances of winning were probably 20 percent," said Novak.
"They didn't care that I denied it," Matthew said. "They just kept on asking me and kept on thinking that I did it. They just had it built into their mind that this kid is guilty."
What is so frightening about Matt's case? It could happen to anyone.
"The computer had accessed a 'Yahoo' account where there was child pornography," Andrew Thomas, Maricopa County district attorney said. "That was the basis for the search warrants issued by a court."
Yet, the evidence submitted by the Phoenix police department did not identify a specific user. Matt's clean reputation, his good grades and protective family could not stand up to the cold fact that child porn was on that computer. The police and the district attorney had the incriminating photos from the Bandys' computer and the prosecutors were determined to send Matt away.
Matthew Bandy found himself outmatched in the national campaign against child pornography -- harsh laws designed to keep track of pedophiles and punish them severely.
"They didn't care that I denied it, they just kept on asking me and kept on thinking that I did it," he said. "They just had it built in their mind that this kid is guilty, and we're going to make sure that he's convicted. No matter what the means are."
The Bandy family contends that Thomas was on a mission and that his desire to convict was so strong that he ignored important evidence -- like the fact that Matthew passed a lie detector test. The fact that the test indicated that Matt was telling the truth wasn't taken into account.
And that's when the Bandy family really began to fight back. They hired two polygraph examiners who confirmed Matthew was telling the truth. Then they ordered two psychiatric evaluations which concluded that Matthew had no perverted tendencies.
ABC's Jim Avila asked Thomas about the results of the lie detectors tests and Matt's psychiatric evaluations.
"Quite frankly, criminal defendants are not famous for being forthcoming with the facts," Thomas explained. "I'm not a big believer in polygraph tests. And certainly, they're not admissible in court. At the end of the day, we certainly felt there was a good faith reason to go forward with the prosecution." (Click here to read excerpts of Jim Avila's interview with Thomas.)
Despite the positive polygraphs and psychiatric exams, the district attorney pressed on. So the Bandys and their attorney tackled the most difficult question on the table. If Matthew didn't put the pictures on the computer, how did they get there?
For that answer, they turned to computer forensic expert Tammi Loehrs.
"If you have an Internet connection, high speed, through, let's say, your cable company, or through the phone company, that computer is always on, and basically you have an open doorway to the outside," Loehrs said. "So the home user has no idea who's coming into their computer."
Loehrs went into the Bandys' computer and what she found could frighten any parent -- more than 200 infected files, so-called backdoors that allowed hackers to access the family computer from remote locations, no where near Matthew's house.
"They could be on your computer and you'd never know it," she said.
Loehrs says she does not believe that Matthew uploaded those images onto his computer "based on everything I know and everything I've seen on that hard drive."
But police still had those pictures, and the harsh child porn laws made going to court risky for Matthew.
"All the jury would know is that there were these images on the computer," Matthew said. "And here's me sitting in the courtroom … let's blame him because he was on the computer, obviously he
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