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My Daughter Masturbates – Is That Normal?
July 9, 2010 Updated August 21, 2015
So, your daughter masturbates and it’s freaking you out, huh? Guess what: Masturbating is normal at any age. It just plain feels good. And it’s actually a good idea.
There are certain ages where this behavior will peak. You can guess which ages those are, if you think about the ages at which kids are most self-involved. The preschool years and the young-mid teen years are the true heights of existential existence. So for your 3 year old (and for a 13 year old), they live by the precept “If it feels good, do it.”
Should you be worried? No. Should you guide your child? Sure! This behavior is private. This is OK when you’re alone, in the bathroom or your bedroom. This isn’t something to do with other people around.
The important point here is to teach your child discretion without teaching her shame. Learning about her body, what feels good and what all the parts are for, is an important step on the road to being a healthy young adult. You want her to someday be an adult who does not let someone else touch her in a way she doesn’t like. Teaching her both privacy and pride directly affect her ability to protect herself and advocate for herself in the future.
Will your kid be be “overly sexual” later? Masturbation does not lead to promiscuity. Earlier I said it’s a good idea. Why? Teens who (on anonymous surveys) give high scores for masturbation and comfort with themselves often delay sex with others. Perhaps this is because they can explore these feelings alone, perhaps it is because they can better communicate what they do and don’t want to do. Maybe it’s because sex for teens tends to be messy, embarrassing, often terrifying and about 17 seconds from start to finish. The kids who can achieve orgasm alone may realize how much better it is!
All kids have sexual and sensual feelings. We each have a drive to explore these feelings (or we would never have kids). Consider this: would you rather your tween or teen try to satisfy these urges alone or with a friend? Many kids respond to their sex drive with experimentation. Having the knowledge and skills to satisfy their sexual hungers on their own can give them extra strength to avoid sexual situations they aren’t ready for. Pretending our children don’t have an inborn sexual drive will only increase their risk of bad outcomes later, like STDs and teen parenting.
Dr. Doom disclaimer: Children who suddenly become much more sexual at any age may be a victim of sexual abuse. This behavior usually represents itself in more than one way. Masturbating alone is not usually such an indicator. Children in this situation will often show behavior change as well, some becoming withdrawn or aggressive, behaving suddenly different towards men/teen boys. If you have ANY concerns about this, speak to your child’s doctor or seek out advocacy in your area.
Remember: Good parents can end up with a child who has been sexually abused by someone. Good parents ask and listen. Good parents look for the truth even if it is hard!
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Why Is Children’s Masturbation Such a Secret?
Parents and children have questions, but there is surprisingly little guidance available in the pediatric literature.
I first came across the word, naturally, by reading ahead of my grade level; at age 10, I was ostentatiously reading my father’s copy of Margaret Mead’s “Coming of Age in Samoa,” the book that had convinced him to become an anthropologist. I asked my mother, what is masturbation? And I remember her answer: “Touching yourself for sexual pleasure,” she said, neutral and nonjudgmental like the English professor she was.
That was helpful when, soon after, I acquired the original cast album of the musical “Hair,” which presented a new set of vocabulary challenges; at least I understood the line, “Masturbation can be fun.”
Let’s face it, masturbation can indeed be fun, but it turns out to be a subject that many parents feel awkward about discussing with their children. Parents and children sometimes bring their questions and concerns to the pediatrician, but there is surprisingly little guidance or information available in the pediatric literature. And in an informal survey of pediatric colleagues, there seems to be a lot of variation in whether doctors bring up the subject.
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