Young Teen 10

Young Teen 10
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© Copyright 2022 St. Joseph Communications.
Here's how to give your teens the skills they need to succeed on their own
Helen Redfield,* a professor of business and computer studies at a southwestern Ontario college, looks forward to meeting a fresh crop of students at the start of each new academic year. What she doesn’t relish is fielding calls from moms and dads phoning to check in as though their kids were in grade five. Some parents have even shown up on the first day of school to make sure their 18-year-olds can find their classes. But Redfield is most alarmed by the fact that the teens actually tolerate it. “The students are not the least bit horrified,” she says. “They expect it.”
We all want our kids to be independent, but our actions often accomplish the exact opposite. “When we do too much for our teens, we rob them of the opportunity to learn those skills for themselves,” says Gary Direnfeld, a social worker in Dundas, Ont. “I see a lot of kids who are ill-equipped to handle pressure because they’ve been spoon-fed. We need to make teenagers more accountable for their own behaviour.”
Parenting speaker and Today’s Parent columnist Kathy Lynn, who lives in Vancouver, says many parents expect their kids to spontaneously know how to use the microwave or washing machine as soon as they reach their teens. But that’s not how it works. “Teaching independence is not something you start when they’re 14,” says Lynn. “It starts with having them dress themselves when they’re three, and help pack their bags for camp when they’re nine. You can’t do everything for them for 12 or 14 years and then suddenly change the rules.”
With that in mind, here are 10 things teens should be able to do for themselves before they leave home, and suggestions on how to impart the wisdom. Read on for more.
Do you remember hosting your first dinner party and suddenly appreciating how much preparation is involved? Most kids don’t have a clue how to put together a meal until they try it themselves. By the time Lynn’s son and daughter were in their early teens, they were each expected to cook dinner once a week. They didn’t have to shop, but they did have to think ahead and make a grocery list. Bonus: When they leave home, teens who know their way around a kitchen will be less likely to survive on fast food and other junk.
Debra Schultz’s* 13-year-old twin boys are like night and day when it comes to money. Andrew helps with a friend’s landscaping business during the summer to earn extra money, and he’s diligently saving to buy a fish tank. His brother, Chris, is much less motivated. “Chris says he understands the benefits of saving money, and he’s tried,” says his mom. “But it doesn’t last long.” The Schultzes recently encouraged Chris to save for the new goalie pads he wanted, but eventually they paid for them. “We don’t want them to go without,” says Debra, echoing a feeling all parents can relate to.
Direnfeld argues that as soon as teens are able to work, it’s time to give them some financial responsibilities. “It’s important for parents to know when to pull back, or kids will not be motivated to find a job.” The benefits of part-time work are not just financial, he says: “Children learn what other people’s rules are, not just their parents’. They learn what it’s like to be in the real world.”
The patterns your teen forms in his early dating experiences will either help or haunt him as he gets older. Parents can’t control what happens in their kids’ relationships, but they can provide a model. “The first rule is: Look in the mirror,” Direnfeld says. “If you’re not in a respectful relationship, you lose your moral authority. Teenagers typically turn down the volume and look at the picture.”
While it’s good to be understanding and supportive when our teens’ relationships go awry, remember that gaining life experience sometimes hurts. “It’s not necessarily a bad thing that your child has a failed relationship and a broken heart,” says Direnfeld. It might help your teen choose a partner more wisely next time.
During a recent exchange on Todaysparent.com, several forum visitors thought it might be good to stock condoms in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” jar. Others thought that this sends the wrong message, arguing that sexually active teens should be responsible for going to the drugstore on their own. Of course, most parents are generally horrified by the very idea of their teens having sex.
“Normal adolescence includes sexual behaviour and experimentation,” says Direnfeld. “We have to understand that as a given, whatever our moral position.” But, he adds, “the research tells us that parents who share their morals and values are influential in their children’s sexual decisions.” Whether you’re preaching abstinence or you’re more tolerant of sexual activity, make sure your teens understand the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and know how to protect themselves.
Lynn offers another suggestion: “Ask your family doctor to talk to your teen about sexual activity, and make it clear that whatever is said between doctor and child is confidential. Some doctors aren’t sure whether it’s OK to talk to kids about these issues.”
6. Understand they’re not the centre of the universe
The teenage mindset is summed up wonderfully in the title of a book by clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf, who has worked with teens for more than 30 years: Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? Teens need to appreciate that the world doesn’t stop because they need to be somewhere. “You may want to put this in terms of a deal,” suggests Ron Clavier, a Toronto psychologist and author of Teen Brain, Teen Mind . “I would say, ‘You’ve asked me to drive you to your hockey game, and that means I have to give up a half-hour of my life. I was going to do the laundry this afternoon, so if you want to do the laundry, that gives me back my half-hour.’” Clavier says this type of exchange helps teens understand they have a responsibility to others.
While etiquette standards constantly change, basic politeness and courtesy are never old-fashioned. Teach your teen to take off his baseball cap in a restaurant. Get him to phone his grandparents to thank them for the birthday gift. Make sure he understands that the language he uses around his friends may not be appropriate at work. “There are so many stories about young people going into job interviews and not having a clue how to behave,” says Lynn. “We can’t blame them. Why don’t they know what’s appropriate to wear at an office? Or that it’s important to listen and be polite? We spend so much energy making sure they’re involved in all these activities, yet sometimes we’re not teaching them basic social skills.”
Your teens are going to encounter all kinds of people — at their job, at the mall, on the street — and blanket rules like “don’t talk to strangers” no longer apply. “Most teenagers believe they’re more knowledgeable than they really are, so it’s difficult to protect them from all the dangers that may befall them in the community,” says Direnfeld. “It’s something most people pick up from experience.” This is why Lynn suggests we help kids hone their street smarts long before they’re teenagers. “It starts with teaching them how to walk to school, how to go to the local store, how to take the bus downtown. If you’re walking into a parking garage with your daughter you can say, ‘You know, it’s a good idea to take a look around and see who else might be here, and if something doesn’t feel right, trust yourself and get out, or call for help.’”
To a teenager, not being invited to a party isn’t just a bummer, it’s a catastrophe. “One of the ways you can help your teen deal with this on a practical level is to make sure she has more than one peer group,” Clavier says. “This might include neighbourhood kids or cousins and relatives. That way if one group is doing something and she is not invited, she has someone else to call.”
Parents can also help teens understand that flunking a quiz or missing a penalty kick will not have lifelong consequences. But remember: Putting things in perspective doesn’t mean trivializing her emotions. It doesn’t help to tell your miserable daughter she’s making a big deal out of nothing. Instead, show her you know how she feels by sharing a story about a time you recovered from a similar setback.
10. Ask for help when they really need it
If you have a stubborn teen who thinks he always knows best, he may have no desire to come to you for advice. In some ways, that’s good. You’re trying to teach independence, after all. But teens can and do get into situations they can’t handle on their own: unwelcome sexual attention, an unwanted pregnancy, an abusive relationship, pressure to experiment with drugs and alcohol. Maintaining open and honest lines of communication means listening without being judgmental. No matter how independent your teen, he needs to know that when he’s genuinely in trouble, you will be there for him.
What a teen wants, what a teen needs
Ashley Marie Comeau is a recent graduate of Humber College’s comedy writing and performance program in Toronto. She is also a recent teenager. Here are her top 10 tips on parenting teens:
10 Laugh about mistakes. Sure, cleaning up a smashed bottle of soy sauce is annoying and, yes, it does stain white carpets, but there is something funny about smelling like chow mein all day, isn’t there?
9 Do not use your child as a mannequin. Once they hit the teenage years, kids need to express their own fashionista identities. Trying out hairstyles on your child to see if they will look good on you could result in years of therapy. (Thanks for the Richard Simmons perm, Mom!)
8 Let your child know you’re human too. Kids often forget that parents and teachers (and other people they won’t admit looking up to until they’re in their 20s) have needs and desires, and that, wait for it…they even cry!
7 Naked baby photos and “I love Brad Pitt” T-shirts on pets are not cool for potential boyfriends or girlfriends to see . Although my dog is quite the heartbreaker, I’m not sure my boyfriend when I was 14 could handle her leather jacket and matching booties.
6 Dream. Let your kids have dreams and share yours with them too. They don’t all come true, but how will we ever know if we don’t dare to have them?
5 Try. Teach your teen that failing is part of the process. It’s through trial and error that we discover our breaking points and passions.
4 Tell tales. Even if it’s the same old story of how Uncle Herman mistook the cement glue for his denture cream, family yarns are priceless. Unfortunately, we don’t always appreciate them until we don’t hear them anymore.
3 Give time. It may sound cheesy, but the only way you and your teenager will get to know one another is by spending quality time together. My mother and I used to prance around the house in her horrible ’80s bridesmaid dresses. Playing together will show your teen he’s important to you and you’re willing to have fun.
2 Don’t be afraid to say no. Don’t say it all the time — no one likes a Debbie Downer. But saying no is healthy and your adolescent will thank you years (OK, maybe decades) later.
1 Tell them you love them every day. Even when they think it’s not “cool” (they’ll grow out of that). Don’t assume your actions will tell them; use your words, just to be sure, just in case they forget and take you for granted.
© Copyright 2022 St. Joseph Communications.

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Advances in technology mean today's teens are facing issues that no previous generation has ever seen. While some issues are not exactly new, electronic media has changed or amplified some of the struggles young people face.

The prevalence of digital communication has changed the way teens interact with their peers and romantic interests. 1 Because of this, many teens lack essential interpersonal communication skills like knowing how to pick up on social cues. Much of this dysfunction can be linked to the overuse of technology. 2

Teens' social media and texting habits as well as how they consume media is changing the way they communicate, date, learn, sleep, exercise, and more. In fact, the average teen spends over nine hours each day using their electronic devices. 3

Here are the top 10 social problems teens struggle with every day.

According to The National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 3.2 million adolescents in the United States had at least one major depressive episode in 2017. That means about 13% of teenagers may experience depression before reaching adulthood. 4

An analysis by the Pew Research Center reported that depression rates grew among adolescents, especially in girls , over the previous decade when about 8% of teens reported being depressed in 2007. Some researchers blame technology for the rise in mental health problems.

Spending too much time on electronic devices may be preventing young people from in-person activities with their peers such as sports, which can help ward off depression. 5 They also experience new conditions like "fear of missing out" or FOMO , which further leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Depressive disorders are treatable, but it's important to seek professional help. If your teen seems withdrawn, experiences a change in his sleep patterns, or starts to perform badly in school, schedule an appointment with your teen's physician or contact a mental health professional. Do not delay getting help for your teen if you notice these symptoms.

According to the National Center for Education Statistics, about 20% of teens in the U.S. experienced bullying in 2017. 6 One explanation the research has cited for this is the rise of social media use by teens, which has made bullying much more public and more pervasive. In fact, cyberbullying has replaced bullying as the common type of harassment that teens experience. 7

Talk to your teen about bullying regularly. Discuss what they can do when they witnesses bullying and talk about options if they become a target themselves. Being proactive is key to helping your child deal with a bully.

It's also important to talk to your child about when and how to get help from an adult. Remind them that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but instead a show of courage. Talking about how someone has humiliated them is never an easy topic.

Based on the 2017 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance data, 39.5% of high school students reported being sexually active. That means sexual activity had declined slightly over the past decade. 8

Fortunately, the teen birth rate has declined over the past decade as well. Births to teens ages 15 to 19 accounted for 5.0% of all births in 2017. 9 The decline in pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean teens are using protection, however.

Of the 20 million new sexually transmitted diseases each year, more than half were among young people between the ages of 15 and 24. 10

Parents may not be aware that their children are sexually active, however. Talk to your teen about sex, even if you don't think your child is engaging in sexual activity.

In 2017, about 6% of seniors in high school reported using marijuana daily. Marijuana use exceeds cigarette use is in teens now. 11 In fact, many teens believe marijuana is less harmful now than in years past. This new perception may be due to the changing laws surrounding marijuana.

Meanwhile, other illicit drug use has held steadily at the lowest levels according to the Monitoring the Future Survey published by the National Institute on Drug Abuse. Teen use of illicit drugs in 2017 was the lowest since the study began in 1975. 12

Make sure you have regular conversations with your teen about the dangers of drugs. And don't forget to mention the dangers of prescription drugs, too. Many teens do not recognize the dangers of taking a friend's prescription or popping a few pills that are not prescribed to them.

Unfortunately, teens often underestimate how easy it is to develop an addiction. And they don't understand the risks associated with overdosing. Be sure you are talking about these risks on a consistent basis.

As of 2017, alcohol use and binge drinking showed a significant decline among teenagers. Despite the decline, 29.3% of high school seniors still report drinking alcohol within the past month. 11

Talk to teens about the risks of underage drinking. Educate them about the dangers, including the fact that alcohol can take a serious toll on a teenager's developing
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