Young Porn 12 Years

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Question: My 12-year-old son has always been a well-behaved mannerly boy. He has been asking us for a smartphone and we have said no, at least not until he has started secondary school next September. It seems a lot of his schoolmates and friends have phones already and that is where the pressure is coming from.
He has supervised access to a computer at home where he plays games and watches YouTube and we have parent monitoring software on it. Last week I got an alert on the software that he was looking up “sex” and “porn” and it makes me worried. When I asked him about it he was mortified – it seems some of his classmates were looking at porn and showing it to others at a party. I am a bit shocked by it all, as they are so young.
I don’t know whether to raise it with their parents. My son was hysterical when I told him I might have to do this. What message should I give my son about this? I told him that porn is not real, loving sex (he knows the facts of life) and he should not look at these things until he is 18.
Answer: With the widespread use of smartphones children are now witnessing pornography and violent material at younger and younger ages. In surveys many children report coming across this material before their 12th birthday. This is, indeed, a tragedy as witnessing such material at young ages can interfere with their normal sex education and development. As children start puberty they may be very drawn to and excited by watching such material, yet they do not have the maturity to critically evaluate what they are watching. Your email highlights how, even when parents take steps to protect their children, they can never fully supervise. You did well to delay smartphone use and to install safety software on other devices in order to supervise his access. But even then it is hard to protect your children from coming across material from the unsupervised access of their peers.
I would think it is important to tell the other parents. Put yourself in their situation. Would you want to know if your 12 year old was showing porn to other children on his phone? They may not know this is happening and if they find out they can take steps to better supervise or restrict their child’s access, and talk through all the safety issues. It is understandable that your son is nervous about telling in case he is identified as the “person who told”, so it is a delicate conversation to get right. You might want to ring the other parents and talk to them in person to explain this. To a certain extent your son’s safety depends on his peer group. If all the parents of the children in his peer group agree to supervise access to the internet, then this will keep them all safer and delay them from coming across unsuitable material until they are older and more able to deal with it.
While it has become the norm to give children and teenagers smartphones at young ages perhaps this does not have to be the case. Given the risks of unsupervised access, it is perfectly possible to give young teenagers phones that aren’t smartphones which allow them to text and make calls but have limited access to the internet. This might be a better way to protect them when they are young. This would require a cultural shift and is perhaps a wider societal conversation that we all need to be having. Both parents and schools have a role to play in establishing new safer norms.
Of course, only supervising your son’s access is not to going to protect him in the long term. As he becomes older, you also want to help him critically evaluate the internet for himself and learn to make his own best decisions. When we give children and teenagers access to the internet, we have to be prepared to talk through all the challenges it brings. This includes explaining cyberbullying, porn, sexting, hateful content and fake news, as well as how addictive the internet can be and how unrealistically life can be presented (making them feel inadequate and anxious etc). These are ongoing conversations to have throughout their teenage years as they get older and gain more access to the internet.
You have started your conversation with your son and it is important that you are prepared to continue it and keep the lines of communication open between you. When talking about sex and porn with your son, it is important not to shame his natural sexual curiosity and interest (as this will close down the conversation and stop him coming to you for help). Acknowledge that it is normal to be excited by and drawn to look at porn, but then encourage him to critically evaluate what he might witness online. A good way to approach these conversations is to first ask him what he thinks before you give your own guidance.
Such conversations give you an opportunity to discuss consent and the importance of treating people with respect in relationships. In addition, it is best if both parents are involved in these conversations as then children get the different perspective of both their father and mother as well as the support of two concerned adults.
John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He will be delivering a number of parenting workshops in Dublin and Cork in the new year. See solutiontalk.ie for details

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By Fight the New DrugAugust 14, 2019June 29th, 2020No Comments
It’s no secret that our generation is the first to be dealing with the ability to access the most hardcore porn imaginable on a device that fits into our pockets with the click of a button. Pornography is available 24/7, 365 by any man, woman, or child of any age with access to the internet. So what is this doing to our society?
A recent study conducted by the NSPCC ChildLine found that a tenth of 12 to 13-year-olds fear they may have a compulsion to pornography. That’s right, a whole 10% of kids who just started 7th grade are saying they are already watching porn to the point where they are concerned and don’t feel like they can stop. Why is this happening, and why at such an early age? It’s all about accessibility and desensitization.
Dame Esther Rantzen, the founder of ChildLine, reports the following: “Young people are turning to the internet to learn about sex and relationships. We know they are frequently stumbling across porn, often unintentionally, and they are telling us very clearly that this is having a damaging and upsetting effect on them.”
One boy told ChildLine he didn’t think pornography was affecting him until he realized he might not get married if he kept thinking about girls differently. One girl reported being assaulted at age 12 by her boyfriend, who was obsessed with hardcore pornography.
Online exposure to pornography is becoming more and more common. Will Gardiner, CEO of Childnet and Director of the UK Safer Internet Centre, said, “It can be difficult for parents to face the fact that their child might come across pornography, but the reality is that pornography is relatively easy to find online, and children are being exposed at a younger and younger age.”
Desensitization is another reason children this young are potentially becoming hooked on porn. ChildLine found that 1-out-of-5 12 to 13-year-olds think watching porn is normal behavior and a part of everyday life. But the reality is, porn is not healthy or normal—no matter what Buzzfeed is telling us.
Related: Mark’s Story – I Was Addicted To Porn At Age 12
It’s happening, and it’s happening fast.
The rate at which porn is seeping into every crevice of the internet will only continue to increase if we don’t collectively work to stop the demand. So how do we fight something that is so virally available? A big part is getting rid of the stigma. Rantzen says talking about sex, love, consent, and relationships can help steer children away from researching online.
Improved education will help foster healthy relationships and show porn is anything but normal.
By being educated and raising awareness on the harmful effects of pornography, we can make a change in society that protects our health, our relationships, and our world as a whole.
Science and research have spoken: porn is harmful. So instead of building a culture where kids who haven’t hit puberty yet are compulsively watching exaggerated and violent sex online, let’s build one that promotes realistic sexuality and real love.
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Young Porn 12 Years