Young And Kinky
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Young And Kinky
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Up until last year, my husband and I led a fairly ho-hum existence in regards to sex and kink. It wasn’t until I accidentally found myself reading an incredibly smutty book that I realized what I was reading wasn’t gross; it was fascinating and I wanted to try everything .
It was a normal Wednesday evening when I brought the book up to my bedroom, where I nervously asked my husband to read a particularly descriptive passage about anal sex and the use of anal beads. Imagine my surprise when he wasn’t disgusted! “So, this is something — we could try? Someday? Maybe?” I said. He laughed and said “ Sure! As long as you’re comfortable with it!” By the end of the week, I was the proud owner of a very pretty butt plug, some heavy-duty lube and my husband was in possession of my butt-sex virginity.
Here’s what I’ve figured out about getting your kink on with a lover: Unless you meet on a fetish forum or get real drunk with each other, your secret desires to be spanked, whacked, choked, and manhandled will probably go unspoken. Imagine turning to your lover right now and saying, “Tonight I would like you to slap my tits until they bruise.”
What would happen? Would someone’s head explode? Would you feel judged? Would your lover even know what tit slapping was? IT’S SUCH A RISK! So how does a happy and healthy sexually active couple go about figuring out the hard and soft limits of their sexuality? If you lead a fairly vanilla life chances are you’re completely unaware to just how much pleasure there is to be had out there. But how do you go about approaching the subject?
Yes, porn is getting a bad rap lately, and it should — I’ve watched porn destroy many a relationship because it was either kept secret or abused to the point where the lines between reality and porn blur into a muddled mess of pain and confusion for everyone involved.
But I’ve learned that porn, when viewed with my husband, can actually be wonderfully beneficial to both of us. It helps that we’re both open-minded in regards to sex but we still find it easier to find new positions and ideas from porn than trying to describe what we think we’d like.
Here are some of our favorite pornographic pleasures:
1. Girl-on girl. Girls are soft, girls are pretty, girls are generally less aggressive than men are, and let’s be honest — girls know what girls like because girls have the same parts as other girls. My husband enjoys watching two girls together because he is guy; I enjoy watching because I have a pretty strong desire to make out with a girl one day.
2. Tit-slapping. I had heard of it, but never considered it until I watched it and my brain and body made the connection that “Hey, I think I’d like that.” My husband was ecstatic as it was something he had always wanted to try but was too shy to ask about. What is tit-slapping? It’s exactly what it sounds like: basically having your boobs spanked.
3. Girl/guy bondage. Preferably the guy tying up the girl. I love being submissive to my husband, so seeing other women being submissive to their lovers is a turn-on for both of us. I especially love elaborate rope ties, as it is more of a focused art form rather than just a hasty, easy-to-break-free-from handkerchief to a headboard.
4. Super-oily, naked massages. If there were one scene I would never opt out of, it would be having big warm hands all over my oiled and naked body. I don’t even care about getting knots out; I just want strong hands all over me. It’s a hard one to recreate in the bedroom because cleaning that amount of oil out of or off of anything would ruin it for me.
5. Sensual, slooooow kissing. Kissing seems so basic and boring, I mean, most of us have been doing it since we were horny teenagers. But a good kiss, one that goes slow, where you’re breathing in another person? Those are the kinds of kisses that get us all hot and bothered. Anyone can slam their body parts together but to kiss like you mean it requires a level of passion and intimacy that can’t be found with just anyone.
Now that you know what we’re into (no judgment!), here are a few helpful suggestions that have worked for us to make watching porn less awkward and more amazing:
I realize guys are audio and visual but I am visual only. Corny dialogue and music only distract me from what is really going on — plus it’s easier for my husband to tell what I’m really into when everything is quiet. I have a bad habit of doing terrible voice-overs if I don’t like what we’re watching. If I’m quiet, it’s usually a good indication that I’m interested in what’s going on.
While watching, our discussions usually involve simple statements like “Please never do that to me” or “I wouldn’t hate it if you tried that on me.” We both laugh at the outlandish positions — what is it with men going down on women who just happen to be doing a headstand? NOPE — and hum in agreement on positions we know we like.
It’s also important to go into more detail if there was something one of us would like to try: When would you want to try it? Where would you want it to happen? What toys or preparation would you need to complete before it could happen? While we’re at it, now is also a good time to discuss your safe words!
There is A LOT of porn out there, and it is categorized down to the tiniest detail. If we don’t both enjoy what we’re watching, we change the video! If one of us really likes a particular scene but the other is slightly horrified? We’ll have a discussion about what it is they like about the scene, then narrow down our searches to even more specific details.
We both agree quality is key — there’s no reason for us to watch terribly lit porn and shoddy camera work — which narrows down our choices immensely. Same goes for costuming, who really does the dishes in a tiny skirt, high heels and no underpants? We prefer our porn to be *slightly* realistic.
There is an entire world to explore on the other side of your safe search filter, when explored honestly and with healthy curiosity in mind — it can open up a whole new world to couples who believe their sex lives to be dead in the water.
Even if you don’t end up living out a real life porn scene, you’ll at least have the fodder for a spirited discussion on what each of you is into (which may very well lead to a horizontal display in the bedroom).
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Seattle, WA
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Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
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Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
Talk to Someone
Find a Therapist
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Trending Topics
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Traditionally, the term referred to sado-masochistic (S&M) play. “Sado,” for sadism, derives from the Marquis de Sade (1740-1814), whose controversial libertine novels, The 120 Days of Sodom (1785) and Justine (1791), celebrated erotic domination and infliction of pain. “Masochism” derives from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895), whose novel, Venus in Furs (1870), celebrated the erotic delight of being on the receiving end of consensual sexual sadism.
But from de Sade on, kink also included bondage and discipline (B&D). Bondage involves erotic restraint—one person physically restrains the other. Discipline refers to erotic role-playing—the dominant player (dom, top) tells the submissive (sub, bottom) what to do, as in master-slave, boss-employee, or teacher-student scenarios. (Ironically, however, pre-agreed "safe" words grant real control of BDSM scenes to subs.)
Early studies of kink repertoires focused almost entirely on male participants. That began to change during the 1980s as sex researchers documented the large number of women often enthusiastically involved in BDSM culture. But kinky women—and how they play—largely eluded researchers.
No longer. Recently, a San Francisco State University researcher used Internet kink sites to survey BDSM participation among 1,580 women ranging in age from 19 to 72, average age 36. Eighty percent were Americans living in 49 of the 50 states, with the greatest number from California. The remaining 20 percent hail from two dozen countries around the world. About half described themselves are partnered: married, cohabitating, or polyamorous .
Kinky women enjoy an enormous range of erotic activities from conventional (“vanilla”) sex to extreme BDSM.
The figures below are percentages of the total sample who participated in the activity in any way: acting it out, receiving it, or watching others play that way. (I’ve limited the lists to activities attracting at least two-thirds of respondents. The full lists are twice as long—see Rehor, 2015)
99.62% Touching (caressing, cuddling, massage, tickling)
90.26 Mutual masturbation with partner
91.39 Anal insertion with fingers, toys, or penis
88.95 Sex toy vaginal play (dildos, etc.)
78.19 Sex toy anal play (vibrators, butt plugs, etc.)
76.69 Mammary intercourse (rubbing penis or toys between breasts)
87.53 Use of bondage gear (rope, cuffs, chains, gags, etc.)
86.39 Moderate bondage (can move but can’t escape)
83.16 Breast torment (slapping, pinching, clothespins, etc.)
80.38 Genital torment (slapping, kicking, pinching, clothespins, etc.)
80.06 Ice play (ice cubes on the nipples, genitals)
78.61 Hot candle wax play (dripping hot wax)
77.53 Physical humiliation (face slapping, forced begging, crawling, being leashed)
66.77 Verbal humiliation (yelling, name calling, etc.)
69.44 Occupation play (boss-employee, drill sergeant-recruit, cop-suspect)
87.83% Model for erotic media (photos, video)
78.56 Share erotic images of yourself with others
75.92 Model erotic clothing (lingerie, corsets, etc.)
Many people believe that kinky sex is a realm unto itself, that people into BDSM don’t engage in vanilla sex and visa versa. That may be true for some kinksters, but for the vast majority, BDSM is an addition to conventional lovemaking, a hot, spicy extra. The most popular form of kinky play is spanking (95.70% of respondents). But among BDSMers, several forms of conventional sex are more popular: caressing (99.62), kissing (99.56), masturbation (98.76), and cunnilingus (97.06).
Many women prefer cunnilingus to vaginal intercourse because of its intimacy and range of possible sensations, and because women are much more likely to experience orgasm from oral sex than intercourse. This was true for the kinky women. Cunnilingus was their favorite form of genital play (97.06), ahead of hand jobs (93.83) and fellatio (91.89), and further ahead of vaginal intercourse (89.74).
Mention BDSM and many people think “whips and chains.” In fact, paddling (84.24), flogging (81.90), and whipping (75.70) were less popular than non-instrumental BDSM— spanking (95.70), hair pulling (93.16), biting (92.03), and scratching (90.06).
Imagery of isolation pervades perceptions of BDSM. The media typically depict participants playing in dungeons, basements, prison cells, abandoned buildings, and in Fifty Shades of Grey , a locked, sequestered playroom. But in the survey, exhibitionism—modeling for erotic photography/video (87.83)—was more popular than typical dungeon activities—any form of bondage (87.53), paddling (84.24), breast torment (83.16), flogging (81.90), genital torment (80.38), hot candle wax (78.61), physical humiliation (77.53), or whipping (75.70).
With the exception of master-slave play (83.53), other forms of role-playing were not particularly popular—obedience training (69.56) and boss-employee scenarios (69.44).
Finally, the survey showed that women into kink engaged in 126 different erotic activities, a far broader range than ever previously documented. The survey’s author concluded, “Respondents willingly engaged in these behaviors for their own enjoyment. The number of respondents, their number of activities, and their willingness to disclose such personal details, indicate vibrant, ardent participation in kink eroticism that has far outpaced academic perceptions.” In other words, the world of kinky sex is broader and more robust than most sexologists have thought.
The studies listed below and other surveys suggest that around 1 percent of American adults are deep into kink, some 2 million people. That’s enough to support kink social groups in every metropolitan area and many rural areas as well, which is what we have in the U.S.—just google BDSM and any locale. In addition, another 1 to 2 percen
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