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How a Yes/No/Maybe List Can Turn Your Sex Life Around

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How a Yes/No/Maybe List Can Turn Your Sex Life Around

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Most people are not very comfortable opening up about what they find arousing.
Even commenters on porn sites are typically anonymous, and those browsing the internet to buy a sex toy online want to know if it’ll come in extra-discreet packaging.
But while it’s one thing to hide your true desires from the world at large, many people also hide their true desires from their partners, too.
As illogical as that may seem — if you’re only having sex with one person, that partner shouldn’t know what you find most pleasurable — it does make a certain kind of sense.
So many people are raised to be ashamed of their desire, and anything that doesn’t fit into a very vanilla view of sex can be seen as weird or gross. While it’s scary to imagine the person you trust feeling differently about you if they don’t like what you like, if you’re too shy to bring up what you find arousing, you’ll never discover what your partner will or won’t be into.
So how do you start talking about what you want? As it happens, there’s a great tool for this kind of thing that exists in the sex education and kink community referred to as a yes/no/maybe list.
In order to understand how yes/no/maybe lists work, as well as what they can and can’t do for your sex life, AskMen spoke with two sexperts (plus made a bonus handcrafted list to help jumpstart your sex life). Check it out:
When people talk about married or long-term relationship sex becoming monotonous, they’re typically talking about two people who have no experience communicating their desires to one another.
But what would sex look like if you and your partner genuinely understood what each other wanted in bed in a real way? A yes/no/maybe list is a way to nip that silence in the bud by being open, together, about what you like and seeing where it takes you.
“A yes/no/maybe list is a list of sexual activities that a person or couple uses to determine what they want to do/experience/try, what they don’t want to do, or what they might like to try if they learn more or if they grow more comfortable with the idea,” says Kayla Lords, a sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com and the founder of LovingBDSM.net .
Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast , adds that this kind of list “can help you to communicate about your sexual desires, interests, curiosities and boundaries.”
You can use an existing list, such as the one at the end of this article, or create your own.
While yes/no/maybe lists are often conceived of as a way for two people in a relationship (or more, if you’re polyamorous ) to learn about each other’s desires, there’s no requirement that says you have to do one with someone else.
“Regardless of whether you’re single, partnered or in a relationship with multiple partners, considering your sexual desires, values and boundaries can help you to better understand yourself and boost sexual self-esteem,” says O’Reilly.
As for the list itself, Lords considers it “a great way to learn more about the sexual activities you’d like to try or fantasies you’d like to explore.
“This can lead you to try new sex toys, watch different porn, or learn about specific kinks or activities,” she notes.
If you’re deep into a relationship and find that your sex life is a shadow of what it used to be, it’s normal to start looking for solutions.
Doing a yes/no/maybe list with a partner is a great first step that can unlock a lot of unused sexual potential by identifying things you’re both up for. And if your sex life feels stale and musty, then, a yes/no/maybe list can be like a breath of fresh air that helps you uncover areas you’re both willing to explore together.
That being said, O’Reilly notes that it’s not a one-stop shop for turning your whole sex life around overnight.
“I don’t think a tool can unilaterally fix your sex life, but conversations have the potential to,” she says. “And conversations are most effective when they’re ongoing, as opposed to one-shot deals. I see the list as the beginning of a conversation — not the final destination.
It’s also possible to screw things up by failing to bring the right mindset to the conversation.
“Both partners have to be willing to be honest and open-minded,” notes Lords. “It’s very easy to reject a sexual desire or activity based on a stereotype or something we’ve seen in porn. It’s also easy to make our partners feel shame for the sexual desire we feel.”
Filling out a yes/no/maybe list is pretty simple: you go through the list by yourself and decide which of the activities fall into which category for you. As O’Reilly puts it:
However, any methodology that works best for you (and/or your partner) is workable. If you’re doing the list with a partner or partners, you should go through the list separately and then reconvene to discuss and compare once you’re done. Doing it separately means you won’t feel as pressured to match your answers to your partner’s, which is important since the value of completing a yes/no/maybe list is in being able to discuss your true desires — even if they don’t align 100% with your partner’s.
In terms of how to respond, you’re largely following your gut instinct. Lords notes that it’s good to approach how you respond to each item with an open mind.
“In kink, we often say, ‘Your kink isn’t my kink, but your kink is OK,’” she says. “Put another way, don’t yuck on your partner’s yum. You may not be familiar with or interested in an activity (it’s definitely on your ‘no’ list) but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad.”
As a result, if you’re doing a list with your partner, it’s better to “focus on the mutual yeses or maybes more than the nos. These can be points of commonality. If you only think of how you’re not compatible, you may be disappointed.”
Particularly, things that are yeses for both of you may be harder to come by — you probably already know a lot of them — but finding a yes for you that’s a maybe for your partner under the right conditions (and vice-versa) will likely be a lot easier, and can lead to some interesting discoveries.
For instance, maybe you want to have a threesome badly, but your partner doesn’t (but is willing to watch threesome porn with you), or bring up a threesome during dirty talk. That might not be exactly what you were hoping for, but engaging in some form of activity around your fantasy might be a lot more fun than pretending it doesn’t exist at all.
Lords also says that it’s important to recognize that sexual desire and comfort isn’t 100% static.
“Do realize that your answers may change over time,” she says. “Sometimes we say no to something because we don’t understand what it is or we haven’t met a partner we’d like to try it with. Sometimes we say yes to something and realize we hate it, so it becomes a no. Doing a yes/no/maybe list every year or two or with different partners will help you understand each other, but also show how you’ve changed or grown over time.”
And of course, once you’re done, take action!
It doesn’t have to be right away, but as soon as you both feel ready, you can start trying out things from the list you both said yes to, or a yes/maybe item where you found a compromise solution that worked for both of you. After all, the point of sex is to have it, not to discuss having it!
As stated above, no single yes/no/maybe list is a complete picture of human desire, and shouldn’t be treated like one.
The below list is lengthy, but not comprehensive; if you don’t find your own sex fantasies on there, that’s not because they’re wrong or weird, but simply because to include everything would be impossible!
“If you know something is missing from the list you’re doing, make a note of what it is and make your own list based on fantasies you have or porn you’ve watched and explore those things as well as what appears on the list itself,” says Lords.
Penetration with fingers, sex toy, penis; licking; butt plugs/anal beads, strap-on sex/pegging
Spreader bars, stocks, chains, Japanese-style ropes, neckties, handcuffs or thumbcuffs, etc.
Partner present or sharing details later; humiliation play
With other partners, with toys, with hands/penis
Male or female, on sheets, on body parts, etc.
Cucumbers, whipped cream, body chocolate, etc.
Kitchen, bathroom, shower, hallway, couch, etc.
Fingering, handjobs, mutual masturbation
Bruises, scratches, scars — on different body parts (neck, arms, breasts, buttcheeks)
Giving or receiving, with oil or not
From penetration during menstruation to engaging with menstrual fluid directly
Giving, receiving or both; face-fucking, face-sitting, etc.
From teasing/edging to full orgasm denial
Pinching, biting, slapping, scratching, hitting, electric shocks, etc.
Can be voice only or also include video, e.g. FaceTime
With fingers or toy; giving or receiving
Indoor (e.g. movie theater) or outdoor (e.g. park); oral, vaginal, manual, etc., car sex
From vague scenarios to fully realized characters; with costumes or without;
Intense but not necessarily painful — hair pulling, grabbing, etc.
Using blindfolds, earplugs, etc. during sex
Attending, participating, hosting, throwing
Dildos, vibrators, strokers, clit suckers, etc. — use on self or partner
Sending/receiving sexual photos and/or text
Bathtub, hot tub, pools, lake, ocean, etc.; skinny dipping
During sex, over the knee, etc. with hand or paddle/hairbrush, etc., flogging, whipping
With one other couple or with multiple couples/people
Together or separately, various gender configurations
On partner, in pants/underwear, to drink, etc.
Making recordings of your sex (full video or erotic photography)
Watching others have sex or being watched while you have sex

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Truly, there is nothing sexier than consent, which is why it’s more important than ever before that you and your partner sit down to discuss and create a consent checklist. Figuring out which things you each say yes and no to while you’re intimate with one another is of the utmost importance, not only because it shows you respect one another’s boundaries, but also because it will create a more intimate understanding of your partner. And while a consent checklist sounds like homework, it’s anything but. This is a chance for you and your partner to sit down and have fun while figuring out all the ways you can say yes together and perhaps even bring up the possibility of some of the items on your sexual bucket list that may not come up organically.
Consent has always, always been a crucial aspect of sexual education and growth. In light of recent cultural movements like #MeToo and Time’s Up, a renewed effort is being made to understand that consent is key when you are about to have sex. It’s about being safe, respecting your partner and showing your partner you care. Regardless of the nature of the relationship you have with the person you’re going to have sex with, enthusiastic consent and further discussion about what you are and are not consenting to is important. In theory, you want to be on the same level with your partner, both physically and emotionally, right?
And so, with that in mind, let’s take a look at the benefits of creating a yes/no/maybe list with your partner to make sure you’re both safe and satisfied when you’re engaging in any kind of sexual activity.
No, this isn’t about the birds and the bees. The talk we’re talking about it is sitting down with your partner (preferably with your clothes on) before any kind of foreplay or touching has gotten into the mix and talking about what you two expect to do together . Now, you don’t have to go through the exact play-by-play, but just establishing that you two are both down for having sex, just engaging in a little bit of foreplay or maybe mixing it up by adding in something new is something that should be talked about. This stage is also the time to put on the table what you like to do and what you don’t like to do and what you absolutely do not want to do when you have sex. Establishing those limits and opening those doors to new, exciting adventures to have with your partner will make every enthusiastic yes even better. Plus, you don’t want to negatively impact your partner or your relationship by surprising them with something unexpected when they are at their most vulnerable.
Luckily, you’re not totally at sea when it comes to creating a checklist; there are already plenty of checklists out there in the world you and your partner can work off into order to create one tailor-made for you both.
The checklist should be as thorough as possible. Take one look through the one devised by Scarleteen and you’ll see that different kinds of sexual acts are clearly described so as not to lead to confusion. Notable points to consider adding to your checklist might include: “A partner touching me affectionately without asking first,” “Being looked at directly, overall, when I am naked” or “Touching a partner sexually without asking first.” There’s no confusion here about what each act requires, and the Scarleteen checklist also acts as a great suggestion for formulating the first phase of your consent checklist.
Bonus: Your checklist can be divvied up into phases or stages. If you and your partner want to use something like the Scarleteen checklist as your foreplay/clothes-on section, then why not consider adding in a section that describes specific sexual acts, toys and other items for when you two are intimate with one another.
There are two worth considering as models from which to build your checklist for this phase, and they come courtesy of Autostraddle and Bex Talks Sex . Autostraddle’s checklist crucially notes various in-bed activities you and your partner might want to add to your consent checklist, including things like “Masturbating in front of each other,” “Phone sex” or “Blindfolding” and includes a section on discussing what you want to say to one another when it comes to giving and revoking consent.
Meanwhile, the Bex Talks Sex checklist is a simple spreadsheet with columns divided into a hard/soft yes and hard/soft no, which touches on the crucial final element of your checklist: creating a key. Not everything on your checklist has to be an out-and-out yes or no. There are likely things you may want to leave room for consideration of in the future, but right now, you’re just not into it. There may be boundaries you and your partner want to keep in place now that you both might be open to renegotiating in the future. Your consent checklist should account for all the variables, as Autostraddle and Bex Talks Sex’s checklists do, so there’s no cause for confusion going forward.
According to a 2016 article published on Teen Vogue ‘s website, there’s a strict emphasis on you and your partner not only giving each other enthusiastic consent before you have sex, but of continually checking in with your partner as you two engage sexually. This requires that you are focused because you’ll need to make sure your partner is both saying yes (or some form of that) as you go and that you’re asking, “Is this OK?” “Can I do this?” or “Could I try this?”
Regardless of how long or how frequently you’ve been with your sexual partner, checking in is a great way to keep the good, consenting times rolling. It doesn’t have to be clinical, and you don’t have to turn it into something you ask every five minutes. But just making sure your partner is still good to go by reading their body language , as Bustle reminds us in a 2015 article, or asking before you move on to a new activity is the way to go.
OK, so you’ve both finished and you’re basking in the pos
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