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Any too-busy-studying-to-worry-but-have-never-have-held-a-baby-clueless new parents out there? Like me on kid number one (despite being a freshly minted child psychiatrist)?
My poor number one kid. When my husband wisely voiced concerns about fitting a baby into our lives, I happily showed him a corner of our one bedroom apartment where the baby would fit perfectly. And, I meant it. Fifteen years later, I look at my now six foot two tall number one and recall that he never actually did fit in that corner. As a baby, the poor colicky baby never left my arms.
However, by kid three I thankfully do have a clue, including approaches that make parenting vastly easier and more pleasant, my favorite being “ yes parenting .”
Yes this is as simple as it sounds. In “ yes parenting ” tell children “yes.” Just say “yes” as often and in as many ways and in as many locations and as frequently as possible.
Now, please don’t complain that I’m a spoiling, lazy shrink mother. Don’t mix up nay saying with limit saying. Sure set limits. To my children’s chagrin, I sure do. Absolutely. Limits are critical. Just don’t say “no” while setting them.
By kid number three I have “yes” down cold. Can I dig a hole to China? Yes. How do you plan to? Can I make paper flags and go play capture the flag in the woods in the rain? Yes. But come home if you hear thunder, ok? Can I go to the moon? Sure. When is take off? Whatever. Yes.
And no my number three isn’t spoiled. So how to pepper your child with “yes” and not end up with a bon bon inhaling, couch lying over-indulged child?
The secret lies in how you say it. Words have power. If my child insists that he wants to play Monopoly (as he did today) when I have endless chores to get through and interminable Monopoly sounds undoable, I don’t say, “no.” Why? The kid just wants to play.
Rather, I explain the situation and ask whether he’d prefer to play a few rounds of Monopoly or whether he’d rather pick a concise game where we might see the finish line? I set a time limit but say “yes.” And, now I am staring at a pile of properties rapidly acquired and meager multi-colored play money quickly spent, even as I write this. The game sits happily unfinished.
“Yes parenting” actually makes life easier for everyone. Yesterday, as we were leaving school on an unseasonably hot spring day, the sprinklers turned on in the courtyard. Glittering in the new found sun, the water was irresistible to my little guy number three.
Although in a hurry to get to a lesson, I listened. He explained that there was an amazing game he just made up involving sprinting through sprinklers on a circuitous course with a complex set of rules. Despite the time pressure, I avoided “no” and instead replied, “ok but you have to hurry because we need to get to the lesson.” And I wisely added, “How many laps do you need?” To my surprise, he said “three” and barely three minutes later I was on my way with a panting, moist, grinning child. Not a bad deal for either of us.
I really think it’s simply a matter of empathy. After all, how many of us like being told we can’t do what we want to do? How many of us like to hear “no”?
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“Yes, mommy.” This one phrase helps gain cooperation from children without coaxing and helps open the lines of communication.
When you imagine a child saying the phrase, “ Yes, mommy ” what do you picture?
If you’re like me, the first few times you read it you imagine a little robot-like child with a defeated expression saying, “yes, mommy ” in a tone of voice that sounds like that “ we don’t need no education ” Pink Floyd song.
But really, the phrase “yes, mommy” is nothing like that. Nor do my kids sound like that when they use it. At all.
In fact, after I started enforcing the “ yes, mommy ” phrase I was really surprised at their responses and the ways in which it helped us.
I recently re-read this book which is all about shepherding and training your child’s heart, not just seeking obedience.
You want to teach your children why we do things, not just raise some tiny human who does everything you want. Because what happens when you aren’t there, right?
So anyway, this phrase “ yes, mommy ” was a central point in the book for some of the following reasons.
A great time to ask your children to use the phrase “ yes, mommy ” is after you’ve given them an instruction.
A normal scenario, but not ideal, would be you issuing an instruction like, “ Please clean your room ,” to which they do not reply because they weren’t looking or listening.
A better scenario is this. Have your children look at you as you say, “ Please clean your room ,” and then have them respond, “ Yes, mommy ” if they’ve understood and agree.
This phrase is preemptive because it gains their cooperation from the beginning . It prevents battles because you’ve asked them 1200 times and they’ve ignored you every time.
It prevents you repeating yourself many times because they respond immediately that they’ve understood.
Often I need to have my children do something I know they won’t like. One of mine tends towards whining (although these two things have greatly reduced this), and the “ yes, mommy ” phrase has really worked well with him because it is a form of buy in.
Before using the “yes, mommy” phrase, my son would melt down or start whining immediately if he heard instructions he didn’t like.
Now, he sees this as an opportunity to enter into conversation, which is much preferable to whining.
I might say, “ We are going to eat and then fold the towels before we play outside. Say ‘ yes, mommy ‘ please.”
Now, if that doesn’t please him, he will visibly try to get himself under control so he can speak with me instead of just flipping out. Because I’ve asked him for a response , he might say, “ But mom, I don’t want to fold the towels, it’s hard! “
Then we can have a discussion from there instead of him simply ignoring me or having a meltdown.
I’ve found this phrase really encourages the kids to explain their reservations or ask questions instead of just ignoring me and then having to repeat myself.
Parenting little ones can be crazy at times, but these proven phrases will teach your kids to listen. And the best part? You can stop repeating yourself!
It’s true of both children and adults, once someone agrees to do something they are more likely to do it.
Sure, fine, it’s possible to back out on your word. But once my kids have said, “ yes, mommy ” they’re far more likely to do what they’ve said.
Because they have listened to my words and come into agreement. Sounds silly, but trust me it works.
This is especially helpful for instructions issued that are going to happen in a few minutes. I like to prepare my kids for what’s coming next, and if your kids have heard the plan a few times and responded, “ yes, mommy” a few times as well, there will rarely be battles.
When I first decided to really buckle down and use this phrase I was sure it was completely ridiculous and would not work.
I am so glad I was wrong. 9 times out of 10 my kids will respond to instructions or prohibitions with a happy and cheerful , “ yes, mommy! “
When I’m speaking to them in a kind and calm voice, they respond likewise. Kids know you’re the mom. They expect you to tell them what to do.
Asking them to say, “ yes, mommy ” is essentially asking them to agree that they have understood or will do what you’ve asked.
When given the choice, children will usually respond favorably because they do want to please you. So it makes sense.
Pull out these fun questions to share some laughs with your precious ones. Use them out at meal times, car rides, or any time the day is getting chaotic and you need a reset to connect.
Because helpful phrases make life with kids *so much easier* and they work – even science says so! – we have created a book chock full of printables for various situations. Whether it’s mealtime, tantrums, how to listen, bedtime, etc. we’ve got a book full of phrases to help you be the parent you want to be. Check it out here in both digital and paperback.
Kids (toddlers through elementary school) will learn everything from life management, social, survival, and hygiene skills PLUS MORE!
Love this. We do this at our house and it helps a lot! Great post!
Thanks, Angela. It’s amazing how much it actually helps, huh?
Ok, my sister does this, and she heard about it through a friend. I thought it was odd at first, but then my daughter grew into a very difficult obstinate stage (3) and we’ve been trying “yes mommy” for about 4 months now. I couldn’t believe how well it works! If I had come across this method on my own I would have laughed and never given it a second thought. It truly it has reduced whining fits and increased cooperation.
Thanks so much for adding this because I TOTALLY AGREE that it seems totally ridiculous and cheesy. But it works :)
I started “yes mommy” a little before my son turned two. he was a late talker and was probably 2.5 before he could consistently say it back to me. There was never any arguing over task or whining. I would give a “command” and follow it with “yes mommy”. He would say “yes mommy” and off he went. I also taugh from very young “how” it was to be said. If he was whiny or sassy when he said it, to me that’s the same as not saying it, and there was a consequence. It worked so well my husband immediately jumped on board and we are starting to teach it to our one year old. I even used it with my daycare children and all of them by two would respond to instructions with “yes ms Jessica”. To me it confirms they heard and understood what is being asked.
Thank you for the article because some people think I am strange for requiring this of my boys at so young!
So glad to hear it worked with a myriad of children. Woohoo!
Yes!Such a great phrase, have found it essential with my kids too otherwise its in one ear and out the other, huh? :) again, its kind of like the ‘heart follows action’ principle. Such a small thing but makes a big difference
Totally agree, Kate, a small thing that makes a huge difference!
I am so going to try this. Thanks!!
Growing up we always said yes ma’am or yes sir. My nieces and nephews use yes ma’am/sir. I will do the same when my little can talk. It’s the same thing as yes mommy.
Hey, I hadn’t thought to add the two. I say yes ma’am and yes sir too as good manners, but combining them kills two birds. Thanks for adding this!
Hi there! Curious if you have any pointers on how to *start* this (have a 5 & 2 yo). Would I say “Please come to dinner now that the timer has gone off. Please let me know you heard me by saying, ‘yes mommy'”? Or something different? Like the idea, curious how to start implementing it. Thanks!
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B.A., M.S., certified baby and toddler sleep consultant, Language of Listening™ parent coach, and mother of 5.
I believe you can run a low-stress home without feeling out of control and overwhelmed. You don’t have to be exhausted and running around like a chicken with its head cut off every day. Seriously… you don’t.
As a mom of 5, I understand what it’s like for lots of small problems to take over, leaving you overwhelmed. Every month, I help hundreds of thousands of moms, just like you, find breakthroughs with my simple solutions that address parenting and home struggles.
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