Years Old Porn
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Years Old Porn
Posted on July 14, 2022
- By
Ashley Cobb
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I recently discovered that my 12-year-old son watches porn. I check my children’s tablets from time to time and when I checked the other day, I found porn sites in his browser history. As I mentioned—he’s 12. At first, it kind of freaked me out. He’s just a boy. But then I realized: oh yeah, he’s just a boy. I was trying to keep that childhood innocence going as long as I could, but I guess that’s out the window now. Any suggestions on how to approach this? I don’t plan to punish him, but I want him to know that porn is not realistic and also that being curious is normal without shaming him.
I’m not a parent, but I imagine it can be alarming to discover your child has been looking at porn. But as you mentioned, watching porn as a child is quite normal , according to Forbes . The average age a child first views internet porn is about 11-years-old, and based on that statistic your son is right on schedule. An unfortunate truth is porn is most people’s first introduction to sex and sexuality, so letting him know that porn isn’t real life is a great start to the conversation . Honestly, it’s a conversation I wished somebody would have had with me. It would have been very beneficial to know early on that I didn’t have to make wild animal noises during sex for it to be enjoyable or that vulva varies in shape, sizes and color.
It’s very important to lead the discussion with concern and empathy, and in a way that will leave the door open to ongoing conversation. Start by making a point to normalize the situation. Let your son know it’s normal to wonder about sexual body parts. Normalizing the behavior doesn’t mean you endorse the behavior, but it does mean you reduce your child’s fear of feeling dirty or perverted for being sexually curious. Assure him that if he has questions—he can ask you, and if you don’t know the answer—you will find it for him. Let him know that porn is not a real depiction of sex and teach him how to view sex in a positive and healthy way . Tell him that you actually want him to have good sex later in life—when he is much older. He needs to know that sex in and of itself is not a bad activity and is one that he should be looking forward to when age appropriate. Moving forward, I would probably install parental controls or set up passwords on all devices with internet access. You can also deactivate WI-FI at bedtime, doing this won’t alleviate all chances of him ever seeing porn again, but it will set boundaries for when he’s home.
Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley
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When I was in high school in the late ’80s, I took a job baby-sitting for a single mother with a 9-year-old boy. I didn’t know the family well. The father was absent from the situation, and the mother
appeared overwhelmed. The kid ran the show, and he got what he wanted by throwing fits, stomping his feet and pouting. The mother doted on her son, and spoke to him in a syrupy baby talk that made my skin crawl.
On my first day on the job, the mother took me on a tour of the house. When we got to her bedroom, the bed was unmade on both sides, and we stood there uncomfortably while I cringed at the thought that this rather unpleasant
woman had not slept alone. After a moment of silence, the mother shrugged apologetically and fessed up: her sleeping companion was her son. Given that I was a teenager and felt I was an expert on child psychology,
I quickly determined that the child’s behavioral problems were linked to the fact that he still slept with his mother.
Some 25 years later, I’m married with two teenage stepchildren and a 9-year old daughter. Because of our unique situation (five people in a three-bedroom home, custody schedules, etc.), the sleeping arrangements
can get quite creative. Yet one thing remains consistent: on Tuesday nights, my husband sleeps on the couch in the living room, and my 9-year-old daughter sleeps with me.
Confessing this publicly is not easy, because I’m a highly opinionated woman who has been known to change her mind on a variety of issues. Before the birth of my daughter, I bragged endlessly about my plans to
breastfeed. Yet despite a large investment in a private lactation consultant and a breast pump that rivaled a Dyson DC41 Animal, I produced about four drops of milk. As soon as I cracked open the first can of formula,
I shut my mouth and got back to taking care of business, and life was better for all of us, most important, our infant.
So despite the fact that I once thought that a 9-year-old sleeping with a parent was a terrible idea, I have to eat my words. I don’t know exactly how the Tuesday night sleepovers started, but it’s one
of my favorite nights of the week. I work full time, and this is time I spend catching up with my daughter. We hop in bed, talk about our days, watch lousy TV and cuddle.
Unlike the conversations in the car, where I’m distracted or stressed, or the big family dinners, when everyone talks at the same time, our sleepover nights allow for uninterrupted time to tackle the Big Questions
of Life. I’ll hear about problems at school, answer questions on religion, and attempt to explain puberty without sounding like a seventh-grade health teacher. Most of these nights, my daughter asks me to
sing her to sleep, and I bask in the glory that at this point in her life, she still thinks I can sing like Adele.
Take an informal poll of other parents, and you may discover that unique sleeping arrangements are not unusual. Several single, divorced mothers have confessed to me that they let their kids sleep with them. It’s
for a variety of reasons – some do it because they feel they can be closer to protect their child, others admit it’s filling a void and easing the aftermath of a tough divorce. Some parents tell me
that an occasional sleepover with a kid isn’t a big deal at all. And then you have parents who have taken the Ferber Method so seriously that the mere thought of having their kid in bed with them sends them
straight to the child psychologist.
At the end of the day, it’s about choices. I am going to blink twice, and my 9-year-old, who already practices rolling her eyes at me like a sassy-pants teenager, is going to have absolutely zero interest in
hanging out with me, much less participate in a sleepover. So until things change, I’ll cherish our Tuesday nights, and keep on cranking out the lullabies as long as I have a daughter who requests them.
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Having known many people who slept with their children from infancy onward, I've always wondered how much of it was for them and how much of it was for the "baby." I raised my son alone from the age of 2, and while we spent most of our waking hours together, it was very important to both of us to have autonomy when we slept. He's grown up and married now, but was, and remains, a self-reliant person who never had any of the issues I heard about in other children--waking in the night, being afraid to sleep in his own bed, etc. I think there's a lot to be said for conventional sleeping habits, and for making a child's bed a pleasant place to be.
Co-sleeping with older children is plain creepy and it is not the same thing as letting the kids in the marital bed for cuddling and then tucking them into their own beds every night. Not to mention that it always seems to be the woman who insists there is no problems in their marriage because of this arrangement, as if not being able to have sex without scheduling it cannot hurt a marriage in any way. It is not that co-sleeping seems overly sexual, it just seems a way to infantilize a child, away to stop them from becoming independent, not allowing them to grown up, very similar to breastfeeding a child until they are tall enough to stand up and nurse. Both of these things seem to have little to do with what is best for the child and everything to do with what is best for a needy, neurotic parent. But this situation is nothing like that, it is more like a pajama party, but so best enjoy it while you can!
I know an Asian family where the husband gets up early morning to be with his wife, because the wife generally sleeps with the 16 year old youngest daughter and till 2 years ago with her second son, one on each side. This is what the children wanted. The mother breastfed all her 3 children till the parties concerned, did not want to continue; just a matter of demand and supply for mother's milk and physical and mental satiety. There are no tantrums. All things are explained to children. Everybody does their things. just togetherness!
Utopian? No!. It is new immigrant family. They have not yet started to split hairs and to start conforming with new values and traditions. If you simplify or complicate life, only to the extent that you need and can afford, life will good to you. Talk to the 9 year old kid! You will be surprised by his understanding.
By the way, there is an important factor missing. Where is the permanent 'man of the house' ? That nine year old now, is unable to look up to his man!.
One night a week couched as a sleep-over is not the same as a child who sleeps with parent(s) 365 days. One is a treat - the other appears a dysfunctional coping mechanism.
My husband and I slept with our daughter in our very large bed for several years eventually she spontaneously "moved out" when she was around 8 across the hall and demanded a regular bed (not a mattress on the floor). None of this ever hurt any of us and we have good feelings about the memories of those nights - as does she. She still came into our room once in a while - she often has sleep overs with friends - boys and girls from teenage on and still does (she's 25). No sex involved - just friendship. I don't recall this being something anyone did when I was a kid.
I'm 56; we had boy/girl friendship only sleepovers even back then when I was a kid, but it was almost always groups of 3 or more.
As a child growing up in Asia, I slept in my mom's bed (my dad worked in another country and visited us every weekend) every night on weeknights until I was 14. For all the worried, guilt-ridden parents out there being bombarded with what seems these days like an endless series of "do's" and "don'ts" and "or else your child will grow up or not grow up to be X," you'll be glad to know that by all accounts I believe I have grown up happy, well-adjusted, and definitely none the worse for our sleepovers. I'm a professional, living independently on the other side of the world from my family, still extremely close to both my parents, and have nothing but happy memories of a time when my mom and I could take pleasure in one of the simplest but most profound things any parent and child can share - quality time together. No parenting book, NYTimes article, blog or other parents' comments can or should replace a special arrangement, loving ritual or parents' instinct for what works for their family and children.
I have no problem with children sleeping in their parents bed. I love when my sons climb into bed with my husband and me. However, I found this statement very concerning:
"others admit it’s filling a void and easing the aftermath of a tough divorce" It's very concerning to me that a young child would be put in the position of replacing a spouse or being an emotional crutch for a parent. That's a lot of burden to put on a child who is likely too young to process it. I guess this is like a lot of things with parenting, something can be good or bad depending on the child and the situation but almost nothing is universally good or bad.
I'm a 34 year old married woman, and when I stay over at my mom's house, we share her bed. Although frankly, it would feel the same if we were in 2 twin beds - it's just nice to have a sleepover party with a girlfriend sometimes! My husband isn't the same to girl talk and gossip with.
Marlene Dietrich wrote about the joys of sleeping with peaceful, milky-smellling little children In these days o
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