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Key points
Porn may not be on most parents' list of things they need to discuss with their children, but it probably needs to be.
Erotic images are available anywhere there's internet and a device.
Some kids use adult entertainment as a source of information and education about sex.
By not addressing the existence of pornography, parents may be leaving kids open to otherwise preventable self-image and mental health issues.
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Relationships
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Relationships
Sex
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted October 14, 2022
|
Reviewed by Devon Frye
Last week, I had an interview scheduled with essayist Rebecca Morrison. We planned to discuss body image for an article she’s writing, so I did what I do: I searched the web for her previous work. The following title, published in Salon , popped onto my screen: “Why I Started Watching Porn When I Turned 50.”
Huh? The subtitle read, “I suspected my teens knew more about porn than me. I didn't want to talk to them about it until I did some research.” OK, I was intrigued. While pornography had zero to do with our discussion topic, I couldn’t resist.
Rebecca wrote that she’d wanted to “satisfy her curiosity” and be knowledgeable for her teens. By the end, she’d reported learning, for example: why porn's so popular, the difference between "soft" porn vs. other ratings, how adult entertainment widely influenced personal hygiene styles, and how to find female-friendly sites with ethically-sourced porn (e.g., respectful and consenting, legally made, and celebrating sexual diversity). That all got me thinking.
I realized that my primary education in erotica happened in college in the 90s. Back then, to attain videos such as Mummy Dearest or Chatterbox (yup, her vagina spoke), we’d have to work for it. We’d physically get in a car and drive to a local video store. Then, there’d be that “back room” with the black curtain. We’d scan the store to make sure no one was looking and then we’d almost jump behind the fabric. With a racy video finally in hand, there’d be one more step to get the porn back to the dorm. We’d head to the checkout counter where (probably to make us goodie-goodies squirm) we’d hear, for example, “Your Edward Penishands is due back on Monday.” (Did he have to say the title so loudly?)
Notice all the effort that went into attaining erotica? None of that’s needed nowadays. Online, kids may accidentally type the wrong address or a well-intended search term that results in porn images. Kids can also get random adult entertainment popups. Pornography is available anywhere there's the internet and a device, such as at home, school, a classmate’s tablet, or a playground.
For adults, pornography use tends to be personal and often secret, and may be associated with feelings of shame. It makes sense that parents and guardians might prefer to avoid the topic with their kids. Yet, by not addressing porn, you may be leaving your kids open to otherwise preventable self-image and mental health issues—possibly even legal problems.
According to a study published in 2022, of the 385 undergraduates surveyed, “28.2 percent of males and 23.7 percent of females recalled their exposure [to porn] as occurring between 9 and 11 years" of age. A small number of participants were exposed even earlier.
Though COVID and lockdowns could have blown up the ability to trust existing studies and data, so far, research indicates that porn use by minors has remained fairly steady.
Various studies confirm that youngsters sometimes use pornography as a source of information and education about sex. A 2017 synthesis of articles, published by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, offered the following key messages:
While many parents hope and believe their kids won’t fall prey to influences based on violence or fantasy , that's not necessarily the case. For instance, a 2019 study suggested that exposure to violent porn may be one risk factor for teen dating violence (TDF). In the study, female adolescents who were exposed to violent porn were “over 1.5 times as likely to perpetrate physical and threatening TDV, whereas male adolescents who were exposed were over 3 times as likely to perpetrate sexual TDV.”
It may also be important to consider the various styles of sex that kids may be exposed to through porn, especially those that it's especially important to be thoughtful, safe, and mindfully consenting about (e.g., BDSM ).
Yes, the ongoing, built-in risk of kids witnessing adult sexualized stills and videos leaves a lot to discuss with innocent, young minds. When the time is appropriate, consider the following.
Please do what you need to ensure you can have the healthiest and most honest, helpful, protective, and shame-free conversation possible with your kid(s).
This blog is for informational purposes and does not provide therapy or professional advice.
Bernstein, S., Warburton, W., Bussey, K., & Sweller, N. (2022). Mind the gap: Internet pornography exposure, influence and problematic viewing amongst emerging adults. Sexuality, Research and Social Policy. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-022-00698-8
Bőthe, B., Vaillancourt-Morel, M. P., Dion, J., Paquette, M. M., Massé-Pfister, M., Tóth-Király, I., & Bergeron, S. (2022). A Longitudinal study of adolescents' pornography use frequency, motivations, and problematic use before and during the COVID-19 pandemic. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51 (1), 139–156. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02282-4
British Board of Film Classification. (n.d.) New research commissioned by the BBFC into the impact of pornography on children demonstrates significant support for age-verification. https://www.bbfc.co.uk/about-us/news/children-see-pornography-as-young-…
Jochen, P. & Valkenburg, P. M., (2016). Adolescents and pornography: A review of 20 years of research. Journal of Sex Research, 53 (4-5), 509-531. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2016.1143441
Morrison, R. (2022, April 16). Why I started watching porn when I turned 50: I suspected my teens knew more about porn than me. I didn't want to talk to them about it until I did some research. Salon.com
Perry, D. L. (2016). The impact of pornography on children. American College of Pediatricians. https://acpeds.org/position-statements/the-impact-of-pornography-on-chi…
Quadara, A., El-Murr. A., & Latham, J. (2017). The effects of pornography on children and young people: An evidence scan. Melbourne, Australian Institute of Family Studies.
Rostad, W. L., Gittins-Stone, D., Huntington, C., Rizzo, C. J., Pearlman, D., & Orchowski, L. (2019). The association between exposure to violent pornography and teen dating violence in grade 10 high school students. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48 (7), 2137–2147. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-1435-4
Alli Spotts-De Lazzer, MA, LMFT, LPCC, CEDS-S, is the author of MeaningFULL: 23 Life-Changing Stories of Conquering Dieting, Weight, and Body Image Issues.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted on July 14, 2022
- By
Ashley Cobb
Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
I recently discovered that my 12-year-old son watches porn. I check my children’s tablets from time to time and when I checked the other day, I found porn sites in his browser history. As I mentioned—he’s 12. At first, it kind of freaked me out. He’s just a boy. But then I realized: oh yeah, he’s just a boy. I was trying to keep that childhood innocence going as long as I could, but I guess that’s out the window now. Any suggestions on how to approach this? I don’t plan to punish him, but I want him to know that porn is not realistic and also that being curious is normal without shaming him.
I’m not a parent, but I imagine it can be alarming to discover your child has been looking at porn. But as you mentioned, watching porn as a child is quite normal , according to Forbes . The average age a child first views internet porn is about 11-years-old, and based on that statistic your son is right on schedule. An unfortunate truth is porn is most people’s first introduction to sex and sexuality, so letting him know that porn isn’t real life is a great start to the conversation . Honestly, it’s a conversation I wished somebody would have had with me. It would have been very beneficial to know early on that I didn’t have to make wild animal noises during sex for it to be enjoyable or that vulva varies in shape, sizes and color.
It’s very important to lead the discussion with concern and empathy, and in a way that will leave the door open to ongoing conversation. Start by making a point to normalize the situation. Let your son know it’s normal to wonder about sexual body parts. Normalizing the behavior doesn’t mean you endorse the behavior, but it does mean you reduce your child’s fear of feeling dirty or perverted for being sexually curious. Assure him that if he has questions—he can ask you, and if you don’t know the answer—you will find it for him. Let him know that porn is not a real depiction of sex and teach him how to view sex in a positive and healthy way . Tell him that you actually want him to have good sex later in life—when he is much older. He needs to know that sex in and of itself is not a bad activity and is one that he should be looking forward to when age appropriate. Moving forward, I would probably install parental controls or set up passwords on all devices with internet access. You can also deactivate WI-FI at bedtime, doing this won’t alleviate all chances of him ever seeing porn again, but it will set boundaries for when he’s home.
Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley
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