Year Little Sex

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Year Little Sex
Can hardly believe I'm writing this but after a week of hardly no sleep and relationship at breaking point, I need more outside advice. My daughter turns 14 in December. At the beginning of May this year, 5 months ago, she started her first relationship. This boy is 2 school years above her, it works out about 18 months older than her. They had been "talking" on and off for about 6 months prior to going official, so by the time they went official, they were already pretty close. I met him almost immediately, we are a large, close family and I always wanted my kids partners to be welcomed and for us all to get on. Especially with her only being 13, I needed and wanted to get to know this person well, who she was starting to spend a lot with. I am a very open and honest mum and have always spoke openly with my kids about anything they wanted to talk about.. My thinking has always been, if they are asking, they are wanting to know, and if they can't ask me, they will ask someone else, who may not know themselves. I warmed immediately to this boy and he fit really easily into the family. It was like he'd always been here. I genually care about him. I spent a lot of time with my daughter and boyfriend, we all got on great. We were always chatting about anything and everything. I was able to speak openly to both of them about her only been 13 and said that they could come to me about anything and I would be supportive. They both constantly reassured me that they weren't ready for anything sexual and they felt comfortable enough to talk to me when they felt things were progressing. I must admit, I found myself stressing out numerous occasions, worrying about what if etc and when this happened, I would speak to them about what was on my mind. I truly, 100% believed that I had done everything in my power, to connect with two love struck teenagers and constantly prided myself on the fact that we had a great relationship. I felt lucky that my daughters first love, wasn't an absolute nightmare, but a boy who genually wanted us to like him and be part of the family. Last Wednesday night I was driving him home, only us two as my daughter wasn't feeling well, when out of the blue he said he needed to tell me something. He confessed that they were having sex. That they had been the entire time and he couldn't carrying on lying to me anymore. He said that by the time he met me and got to know me, they had already had sex and by the time he realised they could of actually talked to me, the lies had got bigger and it was too much. Also my daughter had promised him never ever to tell me as I would stop them seeing each other. Apparently a condom broke on them (don't even believe they have been using them) and they had to do a pregnancy test. My world literally stopped that night. I felt like I was in another universe. I can't believe this is happening to us. The amount of lies my daughter has told me, is actually unforgivable. I just can't look at her in the same way at all. We just don't lie and the amount of lies she's told me, is just totally heartbreaking. I've spoke to her once about it, I was calm, matter of fact and blunt. When I really wanted to slap her, scream in her face and call her every name under the sun. She didn't speak just listened and then went upstairs crying. The next day I took her to our doctors, who put her on the pill and I made her do a pregnancy test, which was thankfully negative. We haven't spoken since. I just can't. And she hasn't tried. My hurt is running so deep inside me, it's like its changed me and how I feel about her. I've asked the boyfriend not to come round as seeing them here together just reminds me of what I thought we all had, and the amount of lies they have told. I have still been allowing her to his house, which is causing me some dilemma. I don't want to ban them seeing each other as they go to the same school anyway, plus they are that consumed with each other, I worry if I push them apart, they may do something stupid. I just can't see a way forward at all. The boyfriend has contacted me since and strangely enough, although I'm angry and upset they have done this so young, and the lies he has told me hurt, I can actually see his point of view. He was in a difficult position and not many 15 year olds would confide in their girlfriends Mum about this, I don't think. It's just the daughter. When I'm dropping her off, I'm thinking about, am I dropping her off for sex? When I'm picking her up, I'm thinking has she been having sex. Doing her washing and seeing a mark, thinking is it semem. I feel like I'm truly loosing my mind and can't think straight. Does anyone ever accept the fact their kids are having underage sex? Anyone that has gone through this and come out the other side, I would so appreciate your advise. This is the longest we have gone not speaking and I don't know how we can ever get it back.
Hi Kirsty, sorry but reading this it really seems you are the third wheel in their relationship. I think you need to back off a little, it's done now, you can't turn back time and erase the fact they have been having sex. I think it's amazing that actually you have taken this boy in and while yes she is 13, she is having sex in a relationship and now, protected. You will never be able to stop them having sex I'm afraid unless you break them up! Which i wouldn't say is the best idea. Life is too short not to speak to your daughter. Lots of teenagers are out sleeping around and doing whatever and she isn't!
Hi, I agree with Sarah. What's done is done now and don't let this get in the way of the fantastic relationship you have with them both. At least you know him and she's in a caring and loving relationship. Would you rather it happened this way or when she was older with someone you've never met or just doing it because everyone else was. I know it's easier said than done to let it go but I'm sure she couldn't tell you as she didn't know how you'd react or she didn't want to hurt you. Talk to her and trust her, it'll make your relationship even stronger. The last thing you want her to do is to start deliberately lying to see him. My mum was devastated when she found out I was having sex. She too found out through my then boyfriend. She was more hurt I didn't tell her and I didn't tell her because I wanted to stay her little girl. And now, we're so close - I tell her everything I still even now in my thirties want to be my mums little girl and hate disappointing her x You will get through this x
I'm sorry you are going though this. I would find it very hard with a 13 year old having sex too. But I don't agree that it's the norm nowadays.
Agree with above, you shouldn't push her away now. It's done, she obviously felt too scared or ashamed to tell you. And although I thinks it's FAR to young, you've done the right thing getting her on contraception. Good on him for being sensible (ha) enough to tell you before she did end up getting pregnant, give him abit of credit for being honest. I also think if this was my daughter I would rather she were having safe sex, she's going to do it whether you like it or not. But in saying that, I can imagine how you must feel, I would want to lock my daughter in her room!!
Your 13 year old sounds to be in a wonderful relationship which is rare for their age - going on a year long! Sure they had sex, but as much as you want to be open with your mum it's pretty embarrassing to find the right time and say they've done it - especially at such a young age. They dug themselves into a hole, one came clean, and now she's protected and you're aware. So move on? She knows you're mad she lied, but honestly she was in a pretty awkward situation. Teenagers hide stuff even if they don't need to, they're hormonal and they're embarrassed and as cool as parents say they will react - they might be scared of how you will actually react when it's told. They both clearly wanted to tell you but had dug themselves into such a hole, and then when the truth finally comes out you want to slap her? You're scaring her off from telling you stuff in the future, when instead you should be saying how glad you are that the truth is out etc etc. Stop punishing your daughter for being a teenager .
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Hi Kirsty, I think you have handled the situation very well. I would be the same, absolutely devastated at the lies and deceit - more so than the act itself maybe? These types of threads are always very divisive, some people think that 13 isn't too young, as if it's happened, it's happened. Personally I think it's way too young. I know it does happen, but at 13 it's not the norm. Most teenagers that age do not have sex. You can only go with what you believe is right. Personally I would stop her visiting his house, yes they can see each other in school, but that would be enough until she is older. If they are meant to be, they will still be together in a years time when she us 15 and you might reconsider. If he is as mature as he sounds, he will be ok with this. Good luck.
Thank you everyone for their comments. Must admit some felt quite harsh but I guess that's what happens when you put yourself out there, when you are at your most vulnerable. I have taken on board people's comments regarding me pushing her away. It was just my way of not saying something I couldn't take back. So this morning I made an effort over breakfast and complimented her hair and spoke about things in general. A very small thing, but a step in the right direction hopefully. And just before the school run she shouted me into the bathroom to tell me her period had started, so I took a deep breath and went for her contraceptive pills which she now needs to start. Maybe if we hadn't chatted over breakfast, she maybe wouldn't of dared mention her period? So this morning has gone well. Small steps every day I guess.
I have to agree with Anne. My feeling is that 13 is way too young for a sexual relationship. I have teenagers too and very few ( in fact I struggle to think of any) of their friends were having sex at that age. Fifteen perhaps, but even then sexually active kids are not in the majority. Technically it's rape, as a 13 year old is not mature enough ( still being a child ) to give consent.
I have to agree with Anne. My feeling is that 13 is way too young for a sexual relationship. I have teenagers too and very few ( in fact I struggle to think of any) of their friends were having sex at that age. Fifteen perhaps, but even then sexually active kids are not in the majority. Technically it's rape, as a 13 year old is not mature enough ( still being a child ) to give consent.
Technically, it's not rape - at least it's not statutory rape. That would only apply if she were under 13. And if it's consensual, it isn't rape anyway. This is a bit of a grey area. The Crown Prosecution Service has this to say: Consensual sexual activity between, for example, a 14 or 15 year-old and a teenage partner would not normally require criminal proceedings in the absence of aggravating features. Since the OPs daughter is nearly 14 the above would probably apply. In Canada it is legal for a 12-year-old to have sex with a partner who is no older than 14. Although I have never met a 12-year-old who seemed mature enough to make that decision I'm not going to stick my neck out and say it's impossible. Probably most 14-year-olds I've met (a lot) are capable of such a decision. Fewer would decide yes. Fourteen European countries have an age of consent of 14. I would prefer to keep it at 16 and do as Canada has done - a proper close-in-age exemption to decriminalise something which is perfectly natural.
13 year olds are children . Nothing will convince me otherwise. They need our protection.
According to the Sexual Offences Act 2003, it’s a criminal offence for any kind of sexual activity to take place between two people where one or both participants is under 16.
Let's face it. If it's happening it's not going to stop because her mother says so. I would rather know what was going on within reason rather than them hiding stuff, or meeting up in alleyways or parks. You could lock her up until she's 16 as it's a sexual offence as pp has pointed out. I'm sure she will thank you in her 30's!
Are the parents the boy happy with the situation? That this lad is having sex with a child ? I would be very concerned if my son was having sex with a 13 year old.
So Sarah are you suggesting that a parent has no control over what a 13 year old gets up to? That's it's going to happen anyway, so we may as well accept it. Does the same go for a child drinking, smoking, shoplifting?
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12 yr old daughter has had sex. Help!!!
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12 yr old daughter has had sex. Help!!!
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He is a child too? That post sounds like he's a grown man!
So Sarah are you suggesting that a parent has no control over what a 13 year old gets up to? That's it's going to happen anyway, so we may as well accept it. Does the same go for a child drinking, smoking, shoplifting?
No, but I don't see having sex with a boyfriend, in a safe environment, in a relationship in the same category as shoplifting. There's an appropriate way to be supportive.
No, but I don't see having sex with a boyfriend, in a safe environment, in a relationship in the same category as shoplifting. There's an appropriate way to be supportive.
A 13 year old is a child . I could net condone a child having sex. If she like to get drunk would would you also see that is done is a "safe environment"?
Yes actually, maybe not at 13. But lots of teenagers start drinking before 18. When I grew up we would have a few drinks at parents parties etc aged 16- a safe environment. Not in the park with a litre of vodka, behind their backs.
Regardless of age, for parents it will always be difficult to come to terms that their children are having sex. 13 is young but I guess when we're all in our 20s, 30s, 40s 13 seems even younger. She may be 13/14 but to me sounds far more mature than any 13/14 year old I know My 20 year step daughter acts like she's 14 most of the time! And as for my husband he acts 18 [emoji13] As long as she's careful, sensible and has the support around her, that is all that matters Locking them up and stopping her from seeing him will only make matters worse. What will the outcome of that be? If you want to ruin the relationship you have with her then do just that x she will forgive you one day x
Yes actually, maybe not at 13. But lots of teenagers start drinking before 18. When I grew up we would have a few drinks at parents parties etc aged 16- a safe environment. Not in the park with a litre of vodka, behind their backs.
We are not talking of 16 year olds though- we are taling about 13 years olds. So you suggest getting drunk at home at 13 is OK. Sarah I would suggest that neither of these scenarios is appropriate- either drinking vodka at home at 13 in a "safe" environment, not in the park. Same with sex at 13.
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I allow my 14 year old step son have a taste of beer, although he hated it! I would much rather him start the occasional one at home rather than peer pressure by friends
13 year olds are children . Nothing will convince me otherwise. They need our protection.
Not particularly helpful I feel and I hope you never find yourself in the OPs unenviable position. Kirsty - I feel your pain. I too have a 13 yo daughter - shes not 14 until next august! - and she has recently got her first boyfriend. She lied about who she was out with for 2 weeks (not where she was,, just who she was with) and I KNEW something was amiss. Obviously I was not happy about it to say the least but what can you do? Lock her away? Ground her indefinitely? Shes still got to go to school right?! I found out on a Tuesday and on the Friday she was bringing him round to meet me. Meeting him made me feel very strangely better. He was no man, he was a gangly 14 year old kid with braces. It was her father I was more worried about and I truly felt for him when I rang and tell him. Don't shoot the messenger I said. And he was devastated to hear this about his little girl. But the week after he paid for them to go to the cinema together, and the week after that he met him - albeit briefly! Even though hes my ex and I could strangle him sometimes, I was very proud of him for that as it must have been hard for him. But I took stock and was grateful that, after the initial lying, she was now being honest with me. Obviously I initially went mad and can 100% identify with ALL of your emotions!! But like I say, I took stock and realized that I cannot lock her up 24 hours a day and that at least she was being honest and open - even though it is early days and she insists that they will not be having sex, I however am a realist and realize that that may not always be the case! But I will cross that bridge when I have to! With regards to the comments of her being a child yadda yadda yadda, yes, she is, of course, a child, but children will be children and at that age they think they know it all don't they? I certainly did at 13! I also have a 17 year old son, would he be described as "a child"?? In the eyes of the law he certainly is but somehow that's acceptable. Huh. I think you are doing amazingly - if only we could laugh at this over a glass of wine! - and I totally understand your feelings towards her initially but you've taken a huge step in speaking to her again and she must be feeling incredibly relieved that this is all out in the open now. As I said to my daughter, she is a child playing an adults game but what are you going to gain by going mad about it? Ostracizing your daughter, making her sneak around behind your back anyway and exposing her to more danger. I think your handling of it is spot on! You don't mention his parents? Do they know about this? Are you friends with them? Could you talk with them about them being round his house so that can put your mind at rest a bit? I would rather have them round my house than possibly unsupervised at his maybe? No one can criticize you about it until they have walked a mile in your shoes. And Ive just put my trainers on to run to catch up with you! From one frazzled mother of a 13 year old girl to another - chin up and as long as you keep talking your daughter will hopefully look back at this episode and realize why you were so worried and be grateful that she had such a supportive mum to guide her and keep her safe. That's what I'm hoping anyway! xxxxxxxxxx
We are not talking of 16 year olds though- we are taling about 13 years olds. So you suggest getting drunk at home at 13 is OK. Sarah I would suggest that neither of these scenarios is appropriate- either drinking vodka at home at 13 in a "
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