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Advice by

Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak

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Every Thursday, Rich and Stoya answer a special question they could only tackle together, just for Slate Plus members. Join today to never miss a column .
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
I’ve gotten myself into this problem, but I don’t know how to get out of it. When we first started dating, my girlfriend’s sex drive was a huge turn-on, and we had sex nearly every day. This year, I was really stressed with work and other things. We had a blowout fight where I got angry and told her she was too much work, and that she needed to tone it down.
I know it wasn’t kind, but I was pushed beyond my limit with stress. That was two months ago. Since then, we’ve had sex three times. She will never initiate and, when I do, she always makes it missionary, often with the lights off. She doesn’t want to go with anything more creative, and the enthusiasm is totally gone. I’ve barely seen her naked since the fight, and I feel like she’s being passive-aggressive by changing at the gym or in the bathroom. I changed jobs and leveled out this stress in my life, so my sex drive’s back to normal, but how do I fix this?
Sex advice from Rich and Stoya, plus exclusive letter follow-ups, delivered weekly.
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Stoya: I cannot think about anything else until we address this, “I feel like she’s being passive-aggressive by changing at the gym or in the bathroom.” What exactly does passive-aggressive actually mean?
Rich: I think, in this case, he’s like, it’s almost like this egocentric reading of her actions: “Oh her behavior, she must be somehow sending me a message. She must be showing me how she feels, through her behavior,” and it’s not necessarily that at all. Right?
Stoya: That is definitely my feeling. This person, side note, doesn’t actually mention their gender. If I had to assume, I’d go with mid-20s cisman.
Stoya: This person told their girlfriend that she was too much and needed to turn it down, which was probably hurtful.
Stoya: Women get all sorts of awful messages about their sexuality, including that expressing their sexuality at all is too much. Our writer quite possibly pushed a button there. And she has responded to what she was told, which was worse than “wasn’t kind,” by closing off. Now, our writer is labeling this passive-aggressive, which is so subjective and very murky, that it doesn’t tell us much other than that the person saying it thinks that this is unfair behavior.
Rich: Yeah, yeah. It very well could be that she’s just basically trying to cope in this situation, as opposed to trying to target the LW in a way that is not straightforward. I can’t help but wonder if we’re not getting the full story. She’s now closed herself off and doesn’t want to show her body. Did they insult that as well? Was there something there? That’s what it seems like to me.
It’s interesting that she’s hanging in the relationship, if it’s changed this much after that event.
Rich: I mean, this isn’t really something that gets solved without an actual conversation, right? Something happened. She received a message that she’s clearly taken to heart and that really disrupted the relationship. I don’t think you repair that without discussing it.
But the writer should know that the reason you want to keep from saying shitty things to your partner is it might actually change things. And you can explain your actions away with stress, but the fact is, you said what you said, and there are very sensitive people. Words can really shift things. There are consequences for your behavior and it seems like they’re experiencing a consequence.
Stoya: Yeah. And some statements, especially from people we’re vulnerable with, echo. One, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” is not going to be enough to counteract that echo.
It seems like a pretty standard response from the girlfriend. You hear something really hurtful, and it takes more than one, “I didn’t mean that. I apologize. I was stressed,” to let that heal.
Rich: Yes. It needs to be shown, over time, that this was a mistake, that this does not actually represent how you feel, for that to kind of untangle. So, patience, care, understanding, and this devotion to living contrary to those particular words, is, I think, going to be what actually pulls the relationship through. And that’s not a foregone conclusion.
Stoya: Stepping back and looking at the entire letter, I get this picture of the writer’s girlfriend as what she can provide to them sexually. “The sex drive was a turn-on. Then I was stressed, and we had a blow-up fight, where I told her to back off. Now, my stress is leveled off, so my sex drive is back to normal, and I want to fix the fact that we’re not having sex like we used to when I had space for it in my life.” So, is your girlfriend a whole person to you?
Rich: It seems really transactional. And look, I’m always willing to give a little bit of leeway here. This is a very specific column. People need to get to the point. You can’t send us a book, which any relationship could constitute. I get it. We’re compressing here.
But you’re right. Certainly, the presentation can be very telling. It seems like the writer’s emotions have dictated their interaction, and that’s not a tenable situation—not without risking a major fight like the one our writer describes. So, just like our writer needed tending to when they had their high-stress situation, now it’s her turn. And it’s an equal and opposite reaction.
Stoya: 100 percent. So, advice our writer can take action on. Spend some time taking stock of the blow-up fight. What exactly did they say to their girlfriend? What are the things they said that are probably the most problematic? And then some kind of apology that is direct and of an appropriate scale. It’s got to be something better than, “Those things weren’t kind of me to say, but I was stressed.” That’s unlikely to get our writer what they want, which is a path to repair the relationship.
Rich: Yes. It’s really time to reckon with, not what she is to you , but who she is as an emotional being, in and of herself . That’s what the time is calling for. So, do that. Again, patience and work. If you’re not willing to put in, don’t expect to get much out.
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The Sex Party review – spiky comedy fails to satisfy
Bigotry in the bedroom … Timothy Hutton and Pooya Mohseni in The Sex Party. Photograph: Alastair Muir
Timothy Hutton on The Sex Party: ‘Do I think it will be controversial? I don’t know …’
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
Menier Chocolate Factory, London There’s tension in Terry Johnson’s tale of four couples meeting for sex and nibbles but the unruly debate isn’t deep enough
A t first, The Sex Party looks like a retro BBC sitcom about swingers, although that term is banned at this adult shindig. Four couples collect for sex and nibbles at a cool north London postcode. There is gleeful talk about getting it on and a fair share of parading around in lingerie and thigh boots.
But Terry Johnson’s spiky comedy takes us from the familiar fare of smut and sniggering double entendres to something bolder and more awkward in the sex/gender debate at its centre, even if it does not reach a satisfying end.
We only ever see what happens in the high-end kitchen (set designed by Tim Shortall) but we get a vivid idea of the action in the living room from the moans and groans we hear. In a production also directed by Johnson, the acting stays fine across the board although the characters are flimsy (Lisa Dwan especially does wonders with her part) and the star casting of Timothy Hutton stays strangely marginal for too long. He drifts on and off stage, saying little and looking like a cliched California guru in yoga pants.
The dialogue often goes off on random, unruly riffs; one character (Will Barton) talks about taking MDMA and the dialogue sounds under the influence too.
The play’s grenade is lobbed as the first act closes, with the entry of Lucy (Pooya Mohseni), a trans woman, and from here on in it feels like another play altogether. Doris Lessing, in a Penguin introduction to Lady Chatterley’s Lover, wrote that what happens in the bedroom is a “report on the sex war” outside it and it seems to be the case with this living room; suddenly, no one wants to convene there and a very live tension is in the air.
Much is flung at us, from talk of toilets to language and JK Rowling and it feels genuinely edgy. It is brave of Johnson to grapple with a debate that has become so divisive that a meeting of this kind would be unimaginable in real life. But arguments come thick and fast without being explored. Johnson seems to be shooting an arrow through the issues of the day – including, too briefly, consent – but it comes to feel like a dramatised version of Twitter.
The room exposes its bigots and we finally see the point of Hutton’s character but as more plot-points are lobbed at us in the closing moments it feels much less like a sitcom than an entire series rolled into one production.

If the guy ejaculates inside the vagina, there is a high chance of pregnancy. There are no ifs and buts.
There are male protection methods for sex, like condoms and pills. Yes, pills for men exist!
Condoms are actually pretty effective so if anybody says otherwise, it’s false.
Hormonal birth control pills aren’t harmful as many doctors prescribe them. It’s a personal choice that people adhere to.
Men always do not have a high libido. Stress, anxiety and frustration are a few reasons why men may not be in the mood to have sex at all.
False. It is not just about sex but consent relates to different areas in life as well such as personal space, relationships, professional life etc.
Women actually take a lot of time to orgasm. Stimulating the clitoris, foreplay, touching and sensual grabbing are some of the ways in ways a woman can climax quickly.
Women also have a high sex drive, contrary to what most people believe.
A big penis or a small vagina doesn’t mean the sex will be incredible. How you do it is all that matters.

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