Xxx Humor

Xxx Humor
I am really scared… 5. It’s not as bad as it used to be… Be careful what you wish for. Or we should get a divorce.
A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”
There is a cucumber, a pickle, and a p*nis. They are complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, “My life sucks. I’m put in salads, and to top it off, they put ranch on me as well. My life sucks.” The pickle says, “That’s nothing compared to my life. I’m put in vinegar and stored away. Boy my life boring. I hate life.” The p*nis says, “Why are you guys complaining? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They put me in a plastic bag, put me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.”
At School , the teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?” Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’”
I saw a beautiful woman on the street and said to myself: “She can help me reproduce.” So I came up to her and asked: “Sex or Pizza ?” Then her boyfriend came. He asked: “What do you want from my woman?” I said: “Sex or pizza .” He said: “She can’t cook and she’s bad at sex.”
Yesterday I was so horny I climbed up on a tree and yelled: “I want a woman!” As I kept on yelling “I want a woman!”, lots of women came. I think I’ve discovered a secret on how to attract women.
Want to get laid? Then don’t ask God for beautiful women. Ask God for women who are both beautiful and horny. That would greatly increase your chances of getting laid. How do I know? I spoke with the universe.
What’s your funny secret? Leave it below as comment, then share this.
Redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian….” The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You s**t! How many is a brazilian?”
Q: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? A: Sex.
A man was having premature e**culation problems so he went to the doctor . The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to e**culate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to e**culate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my p*nis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
Guy walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and asked her: “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” “That depends on how personal it is.” she replied. “Okay,” he said, “How many men have you slept with?” “I’m certainly not going to tell you that! That’s my business!” she replied. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realize you make a living off it.”
An old man complained to the doctor of feeling tired. The doctor asked him whether he had done anything unusual lately. “Well,” said the old man. “Wednesday night I picked up a twenty-one-year-old actress and nailed her three times. Then Thursday night I hooked up with a twenty-year-old waitress, and we ended up in bed at her place. On Friday night I met an eighteen-year-old nurse and we ended up having sex in the back of her car.” The doctor was impressed by such stamina at his age, but warned: “I hope you used precautions.” “Of course I did.” said the old man. “I gave them all phony names.”
A guy asked his girlfriend what he was like as a lover. “Warm,” she said. “Yes, that’s the word I’d use: ‘warm’.” He was flattered until he came home and looked up the meaning of the word “warm” in a dictionary . It said: “warm: not so hot.”
“Babe is it in?” “Yea.” “Does it hurt?” “Uh huh.” “Let me put it in slowly.” “It still hurts.” “Okay, let’s try another shoe size.”
Does this remind you of your sister? If so, Share it with your family. originally posted at SodaHead.com
Two men were having a drink together. One said: “I had sex with my wife before we got married . What about you?” The other replied: “I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big d**do on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a d**do. She said “I knew it, ass**le, explain the d**do!” He said, “Explain the kids!”
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Myp*nis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”
Arriving home from school, a boy asked his mother: “What is sex?” Dreading the day she would have to explain all this, she spent the next hour telling him about the birds and the bees and where the babies come from. When she had finished, her son smiled, pulled a school questionnaire from his pocket, pointed to the word “sex”, and asked her: “That’s cool, but how am I supposed to get all this next to the ‘F’ and the ‘M’?”
Two guys – Jerry and Carl – were discussing the sexy new office secretary. Jerry whispered to Carl: “I dated her last Tuesday and we had amazing sex. I know I shouldn’t say this, but she’s a lot better in bed than my wife.” Two days later, Carl came up to Jerry and said: “I dated the secretary last night and we had sex too. But I still think that in bed your wife is much better.”
“I have a confession to make,” a young man told his girlfriend. “While we’ve been dating, I’ve been secretly seeing a psychiatrist.” “Oh, don’t worry about it,” she said. “I’ve been secretly seeing a car salesman, postman, and your father.”
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A: I want you inside me! Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
Q: What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time? A: Cumming of Age.
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?” “Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.” And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.” Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.” After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!” The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
When he was poor he used to m**turbate. Now somebody else does it for him. That’s the difference between poor and rich.
I was watching Simpsons with my friend and his wife. I and she were laughing. He was not. Then I understood why. He did not get any action from his wife. Her boyfriend told me.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!” Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?” Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.” Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a b**wjob.”
“No matter how happily a woman may be married , it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.” – H. L. Mencken
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
One day I asked my friend: “How is your girlfriend?” He replied: “She is very good.” I asked: “Did you already get a b**wjob from her?” He replied: “What kind of question is that?” I replied: “I’m just a curious kind of person. I can’t stop asking myself: ‘if Bobby breaks up with his girlfriend, should I ask her for a b**wjob?’ ”
“A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of b**bs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of p*nises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his p*nis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”
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Life is like a penis... Often hard for no reason!
So, you want to tell a sex joke ? They can be funny as all hell, depending on your delivery, but before we go ahead and share some of our favorite ones, let’s break down some of the rules of telling dirty sex jokes.
First and foremost, know your audience. Don’t tell a racy joke to your coworkers or employees. These jokes can easily be misconstrued, and you don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. (A dirty joke may also land you in HR, and we want to avoid that.) You also might not want to whip out a dirty joke in front of your parents, grandparents, or in-laws—but hey, we don't know what your relationship is like your fam, so you do you.
Second, don’t tell any sex ist jokes . Outside of being offensive, they’re just not funny. “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus” gags are played out. This isn’t a 1994 Comedy Central stand-up. This is 2021. If you’re telling the same tired-ass jokes, you’re not going to be funny.
Lastly, you can dabble in Blue comedy (which is sexually explicit humor that’s really fucking crass and vulgar), but do so sparingly. There are quickly-diminishing returns with any shock-value style of comedy.
All right. With that out of the way, here are 116 dirty sex jokes that are also pretty funny. (God bless Reddit and the internet; we couldn't have done this without you.) Some are classics that are decades old, a few are newer celebrity comedian jokes you may recognize, and others are undoubtedly cringey, but that’s all part of the fun. (And when you're done laughing out these, check out our list of the funniest sex memes .)
1) A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.
They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel while he and his wife make love.
Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes.
After 20 minutes of lovemaking, the woman is no closer to orgasm, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the husband wafts the towel.
After two minutes, the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.
The husband looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims, "Now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel."
2) A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That's his trunk." "No, in the back," the daughter says. "That's his tail." "No, underneath!" The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's nothing."
The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?" "Oh, that's his penis," the day replies. "Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?"
3) A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?" She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work."
4) Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"
5) My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.
6) A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able
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