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Good sex comes from understanding how your body works. Everyone likes different things when it comes to sex, so don’t worry about whether you’re “normal.”
Sex isn’t one size fits all. What feels good to you might not be right for someone else. Everyone’s different when it comes to sexual behaviors and desires, but here are some common kinds of sexual activity:
masturbating alone or with a partner
People get turned on by different things, so communicating about what you like or don’t like lets your partner know what’s OK and what’s off limits.
Having a healthy sex life is good for you both emotionally and physically. Sex can help you create a connection with another person, and sexual pleasure has lots of health benefits — whether you’re with a partner or not. When you have an orgasm , your body gives you a natural high. You release endorphins, which are hormones that block pain and make you feel good.
There are lots of other health benefits associated with sexual pleasure:
There’s no amount of sex that’s considered “normal” — everyone’s different. How often you have sex depends on a lot of things, like whether you have a partner, what else is going on in your life, and how strong your sex drive (your desire to have sex) is.
People have different sex drives . Your own sex drive can change based on things like stress, medications you take, and other physical, emotional, and lifestyle factors. Some people want to have sex every day or more than once a day, and some people hardly ever want to have sex. People who don't experience any sexual attraction for anyone may call themselves asexual .
Having a healthy sex life is about taking care of yourself, whether you have a partner or not. Physically, that means practicing safer sex , getting tested for STDs regularly, preventing unintended pregnancies , and seeing a doctor or nurse if you have a sexual disorder or any other health problems.
Feeling good about your body, enjoying sexual pleasure, being comfortable with your sexual orientation and gender identity , and having healthy relationships are also big parts of healthy sexuality. Having a healthy sex life means knowing what you do and don’t want to do sexually and being able to communicate that to your partners. Your partner should respect your boundaries, and you should respect theirs.
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How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner
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Before we discuss how to talk about sex with your partner, let’s get into why it’s so important to be clear about your sexual desires. As a sex therapist and researcher, I can easily say that the number one reason people end up seeking sex therapy is not the loss of desire , differences in sexual styles , problems experiencing orgasms during sex , or erectile dysfunction (all of which are common complaints). Instead, it’s the shame and fear that prevent people from openly and honestly addressing their sexual concerns, needs, dislikes, or wants with their partner.
It’s a critical time to change that. Recent findings from research indicate that people are having less sex . There’s also evidence that we’re suffering from more mental health challenges . With these in mind, the health-promoting and relationship-lubricating benefits of sex are more important now than ever.
But I get it: Knowing how to talk about sex with your partner is sometimes easier said than done. Due to my work as a sex therapist-neuroscientist, I spend so much time thinking about and researching sex that even I get tired of the subject. There was even a time when conducting research put a damper on my own sex life. While doing my own study on what happens in the brain during sexual stimulation and orgasm, I couldn’t stop thinking about my own mind during sex. Trying to answer all my questions about orgasms seriously hijacked my ability to relax during the actual experience. Fortunately, that was a temporary side effect of being immersed in the daunting process of Ph.D. research. However, I learned that one of the biggest ways to shut down a good sexual experience is to get stuck in a cycle of distracting thoughts. (On a similar note, my research found that just imagining pleasurable sexual sensations can light up the brain and lead to actual orgasm.)
The point is, good sex is rooted in being in the sensations you’re feeling rather than the thoughts in your head. And to get out of your head, it helps to communicate with your partner about what’s happening in and out of the bedroom. Pleasure is not a luxury. It’s a necessity to achieve a well-functioning emotional brain, physical well-being, happy and healthy relationships, and a life worth living. This is so critical I wrote a book about it . I truly believe that learning how to talk about sex and pleasure with our partners will help more couples avoid a visit down the road to a sex therapist or, worse, a divorce lawyer.
One of the most pernicious myths about sexuality stems from the mistaken belief that sexual satisfaction just happens. That a good sex life should organically and spontaneously bloom in a relationship—and if it doesn’t, something is “wrong.” We each have different unique erotic fingerprint types, or sexual styles. After the honeymoon period ends , sometimes these erotic fingerprints are compatible. Sometimes, not so much.
Talking about what turns you on, your sexual fantasies, how you like to have sex, or even what you mean by “having sex” can help couples bridge the differences between different sexual wants and needs. In a long-term relationship, a willingness to constantly update your sex life is the key to keeping it alive and vibrant. That means appreciating that there are no rules about how often you should have sex. Our sex lives ebb and flow over time and space. When we expand the notion of what having sex means to include having pleasures in our bodies together, we get more inventive, more creative, and more likely to find more intimacy and pleasure in our sexual relationships.
Realize that talking about sex with your partner can be anxiety-provoking for both parties. What we know about partners with good sexual communication is that they learned to lean into the edges of difficult conversations and confront issues head-on. I often tell my clients who are anxious or avoidant about raising an issue that it is best to dive right in.
Any sexual experience or activity—even just talking about sex—can stir up all kinds of emotions. So one of the most important lessons for good sex (and good relationships, in general) is to learn how to tolerate our feelings as well as other people’s feelings.
In many cases, if people spoke more honestly about sex with their partners, things would go better: With needs and wants for closeness and connection satisfied, affairs are more likely to be averted (and more fun had overall).
Don’t try to talk about sex without creating a safe space to do so. You are likely to have a more productive and constructive conversation if you create it with intention. How you frame the desire to discuss sex is key. When you ask to have a sex talk, partners may jump to the conclusion that something is wrong, which is the “problem frame.”
Even if there is an issue in your sex life that upsets you, think about how to enroll your partner in seeing this kind of conversation as both scintillating and empowering. Make a shift to the “outcome frame”—what would you like and how can you create it together?
Ask for a date and time to talk. Think about waiting to have the conversation as a kind of “foreplay,” an exciting sex game that two can play. This gives both parties a chance to think about what they have to say. While it’s important to know what your partner wants, also think about what you need for a satisfying sex life. Sex journaling is one way to explore what turns you on. You can also suggest to your partner that you read about ways couples can explore their sexual potential in preparation for the meeting.
Ahead of your talk, order a physical copy of a sex-positive book like the ground-breaking international bestseller from 1974, The Joy of Sex . While sex apps for couples are one way to open up a conversation, I think getting the physical book is important. You can feel it in your hands, go through the pages, and interact with the book together. During your discussion, go through it as you discuss new sex positions to try. Make marks in the book. Circle things in the index or cross them out. Note which sexual activities you have already done and might like to do, as well as your turn-ons and turn-offs. Or, if you do this on your own, you can then compare notes with your partner. Remember, taking risks can be sexy!
Choose a date and time to talk when you’re both likely to be relaxed and receptive. Don’t attempt this after a long stressful day. And before you even begin, make sure both you and your partner are in the right headspace. If your partner shows any sign of distress or resistance to having the conversation, don’t panic or jump to negative conclusions. Instead, team up to make another date to talk about your sexual needs. If your partner is good to go, make sure you are in a quiet, private space with no interruptions.
Ask your partner what they need or want to make this conversation feel like a safe space to explore. The best kind of soulful communication happens when we feel safe and free to speak our thoughts, dreams, fears, and fantasies without repercussions. Think of it as an “off the record” conversation. Establish that what goes on in the conversation "stays in Vegas." This is what partners who create lifelong sexual potential do: They penetrate their own and each other’s minds such that they can explore and experiment together.
Thank your partner for being willing to listen, and reassure them that you’re excited about hearing what they have to say. Then discuss what you want to create together. Remember that taking risks to let your partner know what you want (or don’t want) is important for expanding the capacity for pleasure.
If you don’t know exactly what you want when it comes to sex or changing things up in the bedroom, that’s okay! Just be honest and curious about how to spice up sex with your partner. I suggest we even expand what we mean by sex to simply be adult fun—with or without genitals, friction, or orgasms. You don’t even have to focus on sex: Just think about what you can do together that feels good. In my own four decades-plus relationship, we often talk about how to reboot by concentrating on getting back into our “pleasure bodies” through taking walks together or soaking in the hot tub. We find that by engaging in pleasurable practices, the drive for pleasure comes back online and our sex life reanimates.
So think about enrolling yourself and your pa
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