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Some wrestling moves are truly epic - but these submission holds are the most ridiculous and boring to watch.
Submission holds are a funny thing. When applied well, with a victim contorted and bellowing in agony, they can provide a match with a dramatic, compelling and exciting highlight. Take the Sharpshooter applied by Bret Hart to Steve Austin at the close of their thrilling encounter at Wrestlemania XII. The blood soaked visage of The Texas Rattlesnake made a star out of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
When applied poorly, however, a submission can be laughably unbelievable and - even worse - just plain dull. John Cena's loosely applied STFU was justly ridiculed as being garbage. This list is all about the latter style of submission hold. The least believable holds that the WWE Universe has had to suffer through watching.
In mid 1993, Lex Luger was chosen by Vince McMahon to be the top babyface in the company. Hulk Hogan had just departed for vast sums of money in supposedly greener pastures over at rival promotion WCW, so there was space at the top of the card for an all- American hero.
Luger was meant to be that hero but, for a number of reasons, flopped in the role. One of those reasons must surely be due to his pathetic submission hold; the torture rack. Whilst certainly an impressive feat to lift hundreds of pounds of sweaty wrestler onto his shoulders, the hold just doesn't look like it hurts. Instead, it looks like it might provide a revitalizing and relaxing massage.
Surely it is heresy to include the legend that is Ric Flair and his iconic submission hold on this list? Maybe. But also, and here's the honest truth, the Figure-Four has never looked particularly effective at hurting someone. It's a move that defies logic, the victim of the hold is acting as if they are in pain, yet there's nothing about the odd arrangement of limbs that looks painful.
Even odder, when the move is - inevitably - reversed by both wrestlers rolling over onto their bellies, the pain suddenly transfers back to Ric. The reason for this cannot be explained - your limbs are still in the exact same position Ric!
The original bear hug, purveyed by Terrible Ted in the 1960s was, quite literally, breath taking. That's because Terrible Ted was an actual 600lbs bear who took part in wrestling exhibition matches. In modern times though, the bear hug has become synonymous as one of the dullest rest holds in the business.
The front bear hug in particular is guilty of abuse to wrestling fan's eyeballs. As, for all intents and purposes, it just looks like one wrestler is giving another wrestler a great big friendly hug.
In Game Of Thrones, the Clawhold would be phenomenal, the Mountain would squeeze an opponents head in one massive hand, apply a little too much pressure, and soon there would be exploded skull everywhere and a grossed out audience vomiting into their handbags.
Not so much in wrestling, the Clawhold looks ridiculous, as the victim mimes the sheer unadulterated agony of having a wrestler with a big hand gently massage their scalp. There's a host of reasons why the Great Khali never got over, his version of a two handed Clawhold is one of them.
The Sharpshooter was originally developed by professional wrestler Riki Choshu. It was called the sasori-gatame, - or in English, 'scorpion hold'. In North America variations of the move were adopted by some of the biggest names in wrestling. But it was Bret Hart's incorporation of the submission into his repertoire that saw it gain its most well-known name, the Sharpshooter.
When delivered correctly the Sharpshooter looks devastating. When delivered by someone like Natalya or the Rock? It looks like the Superstar is trying to angrily squeeze out a blob of excrement on their foe's spine.
In some ways you can't really blame John Cena for his lame application of the STFU. As the mainstream face of the company, his original gimmick - the Doctor of Thugonomics -had to be changed in a number of ways to better suit WWE's PG era. This meant no more five knuckle shuffling, rap battling or FUing. It also meant a watered down move set that would look much better on the side of a child's lunch box.
As a result, the STFU was so loosely applied someone could drive a jeep through Cena's arms. Sold a lot of lunch boxes though.
Everything about Brock Lesnar is terrifying. This is a man who literally defies human biology. That doesn't stop his Brock Lock from ending up on this list, however.
In his first run with the WWE, Brock was a young fresh-faced talent with all the potential in the world. He had a superb finisher with the F5, it's just a shame that for a man with so much real-life submission acumen he was lumbered with the Brock Lock. Having to hoist the opponent's leg over his neck in a modified Boston crab position made the move awkward and contrived to get into, it also meant most of the pain was caused by Brock rubbing his chiseled glutes on his victim's head.
Some submission moves look like they should be a yoga pose, rather than a way to inflict pain on another person. The Code of Silence is one such move. Wrapping her leg around her foe's neck in a figure-Four style lock, Carmella gets herself into a one-handed plank pose whilst reaching back to grab her toes.
It must be a magnificent stretch for Carmella's hamstrings but it's a wonder how any wrestler could get themselves trapped within such a ridiculous submission hold.
The only people sleeper holds ever put to sleep are sat in the audience. Whilst admittedly effective in a real-life fight, the sleeper hold is a chore to watch. It is a move more commonly used as a rest hold in a match or every other move in a Randy Orton match.
There was a time where the sleeper hold was a legitimate finisher, however; Roddy Piper, Steve Austin, and Ted Dibiase all had their own version of the move and would gain victories from using it. Now its oversaturation has resulted in a move that only leads to the formality of the crowd having to cheer the babyface as they free themselves. Despite its real world effectiveness, no-one believes in the sleeper hold anymore.
If you're a child of the '80s (or just really like watching through old dross on the WWE Network) then you too will have learned to fear the tedium of the Full Nelson. Used in real life application as a restraining maneuver, the move saw frequent use by muscle men in the cartoon era of the '90s and by Chris Masters more recently.
It's a boring move that's only purpose is to give big muscly men, who aren't very good at wrestling, something to do that won't accidentally hurt their opponent.
Adrian writes stuff.
His words, thoughts and unwanted opinions on wrestling can be found on The Sportster.
Find him on twitter @adewritesstuff
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