Wtf Mom She's Your Step-Daughter

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Wtf Mom She's Your Step-Daughter
Originally Published: June 13, 2018
2 “Why can’t you just get over it?”
3 “You’re just like [other person in your family.]”
4 “You need to grow up and deal with it.”
9 “Why do you spend so much time with them and not me?”
12 “You should break up with them!”
15 “Well nobody else has a problem with it!”
16 “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
18 “Why do you always make everything about you?”
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These familiar catchphrases still sting as an adult.
A toxic relationship is typically a two-way street. But in a mother-child relationship, the parent does wield the bulk of the emotional responsibility — hence why there are a lot more toxic moms than toxic daughters. It’s not always clear when a parent is crossing a line, but experts agree that signs your mom is toxic can be found in the way she speaks to you.
When a parent is prone to toxicity, they often have a Rolodex of biting phrases that come out on a regular basis. Things like “why don’t you just grow up” or “I never said that” might ring a bell. And if it truly is an ongoing problem, it can start to affect your relationship with them as well as how you feel about yourself.
Although it’s a fine line, a toxic relationship isn’t always synonymous with emotional abuse , which can also come out in the words your mom uses. "A toxic relationship is a dynamic between two or more people where emotional needs generally go unmet because of issues that have nothing to do with the other person," Danielle Forshee, Psy.D, L.C.S.W., tells Bustle. While toxicity can be tough to spot, it often comes down to how another person makes you feel. “The word ‘toxic’ in terms of a relationship means that one person’s behavior leads to serious negative emotional consequences for the other person,” says Elliot Pinsly, LMSW , a licensed clinical social worker. Whether it’s intentional or subconscious, “a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered,” he says. And it can leave you feeling down , or as if your self-esteem has taken a hit .
It often hurts extra to realize that your mom is being toxic. According to Pinsly, it can shatter the image of who you hoped she could be. But it’s also a good thing, as the knowledge may make it easier to cope with her words. “Sometimes we need to implement boundaries , find acceptance and change, set time and distance, or redirect our needs to ourselves and find healing,” says licensed professional counselor Rachel M. Abrman, MA, LPC .
If you’re wondering what to do when your mom says hurtful things , or if you recognize any of the comments listed below, it may help to reach out to a therapist, mentor, or friend for support.
If your mom always yells “I never said that!” whenever you want to talk about something hurtful, consider it a sign of toxicity.
According to Pinsly, gaslighting — or making it seem as if you remember something incorrectly — is a common tactic used by toxic people . “The goal is to make you question your reality and shift blame,” he says. It’s often a sneaky way for them to get away with saying whatever they want without repercussions.
It’s not uncommon for a toxic mom to say something like, “Well why can’t you just get over it?” during an argument or when talking about difficult things.
According to Abrman, this type of comment is hurtful because it leads you to question whether you’re accepted or respected. It may also make you doubt your own experience, or wonder if you should even care about you feel.
Your mom’s goal may be to deflect blame away from herself, which she may be doing on purpose or subconsciously.
Is your mom constantly comparing you to a difficult or unsavory family member? If so, her goal may be to manipulate you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong during a conversation that makes her “look bad,” Pinsly says. And that’s not fair or OK.
If you try to talk with your mom about something that’s stressing you out or a topic that’s weighing heavy on your mind from the past, you might not expect her to say, “Oh, grow up.” But according to Abrman, that’s exactly what toxic moms do.
Whatever your mom might claim, it's more than OK to take time to process things before you move forward, Abrman says. No amount of “growing up” or stuffing things down will help you move on faster, so don’t let her words get to you.
Blame is up there with the most signature toxic behaviors. And it's all the more hurtful in a mother-child relationship.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Sara Stanizai, LCSW , it’s especially toxic if your mom blames you for her own personal problems. "This puts [you] in the position of being responsible for [your] parent, when really it's the other way around,” Stanizai says.
If your mother actively blames you for something that she did, all signs point to toxicity .
Secret-keeping is another major toxic mom red flag , according to Stanizai, who says the behavior is not a component of a healthy mother-child relationship.
“If a parent has a child keep something from their other parent , this makes the child the protector of the parent,” Stanizai says. It’s an unfair dynamic for your mom to expect.
If your mom asks you to do something like this for her, maybe point it out. Hopefully she'll realize that it's not appropriate to put you in the middle.
Your mom should be your biggest cheerleader, not your biggest critic . So if you’re constantly wondering, “Why is my mom never proud of me?” or “Why does my mom want me to be someone I’m not?” then it may be time to step back and reevaluate your relationship, Stanizai says.
It’s possible your mom started this toxic behavior when you were in school, but it’s not uncommon for it to continue into adulthood as you share career and life milestones with her. Either way, it’ll feel awful for her to react to your life’s ups and downs in a negative way.
You're an adult. You don't need your mom still on your case about where you are, all the time. "A toxic mother-child toxic relationship is one where the mother believes they have the right and the ability to manage their adult child’s life," clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow , Ph.D., tells Bustle.
For both you and your mother, having healthy boundaries is key. You both deserve to have a sense of self outside of your relationship with one another. According to psychologist Dr. Danielle Forshee, PsyD, LCSW , this type of hovering is called " helicopter parenting” and it manifests itself in overbearing ways.
Demanding to know where you are is toxic because it doesn’t “facilitate a healthy separation for individuals to figure out [their] own sense of confidence ,” Forshee says. If your mom is always on your case, you can talk to her, or a professional, about how to create better distance between you.
While on the subject of boundaries, it's important to unpack other ways your mom might showcase these toxic traits. If she wants your social life to include her, for instance, that's a major red flag. There's a word for this, too: enmeshment .
"Enmeshment is when your mom has difficulty allowing you to have your own life outside of her," Forshee says. Regardless of how close the two of you are, you need to have your own life and your own social space. If she can't accept that, that's a bad sign.
Experts repeat this time and time again when it comes to identifying toxic mother-child relationships: she's not your friend, she's your mother . While it’s wonderful to feel close to your mom, this sort of blurred relationship could easily turn into boundary crossing. "Instead of a mom developing her own friends and support network, [a toxic mom] relies on the child to fulfill these needs,” says family therapist Julie Williamson, LPC . It’s exhausting, and not a role you need to fill.
Even if you do feel like she's your BFF, it's important to unpack that, too. "If a mother and daughter are codependent on each other, the young woman may have trouble developing and maintaining successful relationships with others," Forshee says. So, for a bit, spend some time focusing your energy on other adult relationships. It'll be refreshing.
Another major sign of the mom-as-BFF conundrum is a mother who overshares. While everyone has different relationships with their parents, if you find that your mother is way more of an open book than your other friends' mothers, that might not necessarily be a good thing.
According to Williamson, a toxic mom might share information that’s not typically shared between a parent and child, like physical details of a relationship. If you’re getting "cool mom" vibes (hey, Amy Poehler!), it’s OK to set a boundary by letting your mom know that you love her, and you enjoy talking about certain things, but others go way too far.
Despite what she might say, your mom does not have a right to control your adult life. And while, yes, parents are allowed opinions on your partner to some degree and sometimes they do have your best interests at heart, it’s not good if your mom consistently dictates your dating choices , Klapow says. Toxic moms tend to needle as a way to get you to give in and do what they want, and that’s not healthy.
This one might seem obvious reading it on its own, but for a lot of people, it can be hard to notice that insults are actually harmful — not just playful fun. "The parent who scolds or verbally berates an adult child on a regular basis [is toxic]," Klapow says.
This is also where the line might blur between toxicity and actual abuse. “It becomes emotional abuse when there is character assassination and put-downs that continue despite your attempts at communicating how it affects you,” Forshee says.
Expressing your feelings to your mom is a healthy habit, especially if it’s in response to something she said that you found to be hurtful; emotional communication is good. That’s why, according to family therapist Dawn Friedman, MS.Ed , it’s another sign of gaslighting if she pushes back and says you’re being sensitive when you express that her words or actions hurt your feelings. “In healthy relationships, people will listen to us when we have a problem with the way they’re communicating ,” Friedman explains.
Similarly, if you bring up a concern you have and she shuts you down with the excuse that it “doesn’t bother anyone else,” Friedman says it may indicate a toxic relationship. A parent should care about your individual experience , even if it’s perceived to be singular.
It’s also important to note that this comment may be a ploy to dismiss your feelings or a way for your mom to get off the hook for rude behavior.
Comparing siblings , whether the comparison compliments you or throws you or the sibling under the bus, is always a toxic behavior. “Even a comment like ‘your sister has always been jealous of you’ puts you in conflict to center your mom in your relationship,” Friedman says. These kinds of comments can sometimes sound flattering, which can make them hard to spot, but almost always contribute to “ toxic gossip dynamics .”
If you try to speak with your mom about an issue that shows her in a bad light, she may try to shut it down by saying something like, “I’ve always done everything for you” or “You should be grateful.”
“She may have literally been there for you in some ways, but not in the ways you have needed,” Pinsly says, and it’s important not to mix up the two. “This comment is intended to make you feel guilty so that you comply [to her wishes],” he adds.
“This is ego projection,” Pinsly says, because in reality, your mom is likely making an issue about her . And again, it’s often said in an attempt to deflect blame.
“ Children of toxic parents are often scapegoated, blamed for their parents’ own behaviors, or pulled in to help blame a sibling,” Pinsly explains. “Toxic moms seek to control their children instead of facilitating and encouraging them to thrive as independent beings.”
Sometimes toxic comments go beyond words. If your mom lets out a long sigh or a guttural noise when you try to talk to her, Pinsly says it could be her way of showing that “you’ve let her down.” If it happens regularly, it can start to feel toxic, especially if your mom does it as a way to make you give in and meet her needs.
As Pinsly says, toxic parents view their child as someone who has to meet their needs, and not the other way around. While there are plenty of times when a child can do something for a parent — like helping when they’re sick, taking care of them when they’re older, etc. — it shouldn’t be an everyday, guilt-trippy type of thing.
Having a toxic relationship doesn't have to mean you should cut your mom out of your life. But recognizing any of these behaviors in your relationship with your mother might be an indicator that you should prioritize putting work into making the relationship more balanced and healthful. Boundary setting, open communication, and even family therapy can help. You deserve to do what's right for you, and not have your mother breathing down your back years after you've left home.
Fosco, GM. 2014. Interparental Boundary Problems, Parent-Adolescent Hostility, and Adolescent-Parent Hostility: A Family Process Model for Adolescent Aggression Problems. Couple Family Psychol. doi: 10.1037/cfp0000025.
Kong, J. 2018. Effect of Caring for an Abusive Parent on Mental Health: The Mediating Role of Self-Esteem. Gerontologist. doi: 10.1093/geront/gnx053.
Elliot Pinsly, LMSW , licensed clinical social worker
Rachel M Abrman, MA, LPC ,licensed professional counselor
This article was originally published on June 13, 2018

Home » Simplify Family Life » Quotes and Inspirational Sayings » 35 Sweet Step Daughter Quotes That Will Touch Her Heart
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The bond between a step-parent and a stepdaughter is a special one that you may not understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
Raising a child like they are your own takes love, kindness and character. You must prove that you are trustworthy, loyal and responsible.
These step daughter quotes capture the emotions and unconditional love that comes with being a stepparent.
While you may not have planned to have a stepdaughter, you can’t seem to imagine what life would be like without her. 
She has become a part of your life, your family and your heart and there is nothing that will ever change that. 
If you are looking for the right words to tell your stepdaughter how much you love her then the quotes and sayings below are just what you need.
If your connection with your step-daughter is still growing be sure to take a look at these quotes about mother-daughter bonding or try some of the these great bonding ideas to help strengthen your relationship.
We would love for you to share these quotes with your stepdaughter! Please share on social media and use as captions on your photos.
I didn’t give you the gift of life, but life gave me the gift of you.
You may not have my eyes or my smile, but you’ll always have my heart.
I never knew I would have a step daughter, and now I don’t know what I would do without one.
I wasn’t there the day you were born, but I have loved you as my own since the first time I saw you.
A step daughter is a gift that keeps on giving.
God knew I needed a step daughter and he chose you.
You will never know how much it has meant to me to have you as a step daughter. Thank you for allowing me to love someone more than I ever knew was possible. 
Thank you for being so much more than my step daughter. You are a blessing, a gift and my best friend.
I thought I was lucky to marry your dad, but it turns out that I’m even luckier to have you as a step daughter. 
Every day I am impressed by your strengths, talents and your ability to love. Thank you for being an amazing stepdaughter. 
I’m the proud stepmom to an amazing step daughter. 
Dear stepdaughter, I hope you know that having a stepmom means that you always have my love and support no matter what. 
I may not have been there when your life began, but I will be here for you until my life ends. 
You’re not my step daughter, you’re my daughter. You just happened to be born before I met you.
Being your stepmom has been the greatest joy and privilege of my life.
My love for my stepdaughter doesn’t come from my dna, it comes from my heart.
Having a daughter turned me into a mom. Having a stepdaughter turned me into a bonus mom.
I’m not just your stepmom, I’m also your biggest fan and someone you can always count on to support you no matter what. 
Being a stepdad is more than I ever expected and better than I ever imagined.
Being your stepdad means I will always cheer for you, be proud of you and love you.
I didn’t know how to be a step dad, but having you as a step daughter makes it so easy.
Being your step dad has been the best gift I have ever been given.
Stepdaughter, being a part of your life has inspired me to be the best step dad I can be.
My step daughter has given me the chance to experience what a mother’s love feels like from the inside out. 
There’s no other love like the love from a stepdaughter.
Dear Step Daughter, Thank you for loving me and trusting me. I am so lucky to be a part of your life and your family. 
The love from my stepdaughter is the greatest love I have ever known.
I hope you always know I couldn’t possibly love you more than I already do. As far as my heart is concerned you are my daughter not my step daughter.
My stepdaughter has taught me what unconditional love is all about. 
What a gift it is to have a stepdaughter as wonderful as you. 
My stepdaughter has my whole heart for my whole life. 
Dear Step Daughter, I will always be here for you no matter what.
Stepdaughter – you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
My stepdaughter has become a part of my life, my family and my heart and nothing can ever change that. 
To My Amazing Bonus Daughter: Thank you for allowing me to be your Extra Mom.
Stepdaughter, your love for me means more than you will ever know. I may not be your mom, but being your bonus mom has been the greatest adventure of my life. 
I was so excited to marry your dad, but it turns out the greatest bonus was you!
Hi, I'm Lauren Tingley; a working, teacher-mom of two who tried to "do it all" and ended up losing myself in the process. Determined to find joy in modern motherhood I discovered simplifying was the answer. Now I share tips for fun family activities, minimalist homemaking and simple parenting advice on Simply Well Balanced for families looking to create more balance in their homes. My ideas and advice has been shared by Parents Magazine, Good Housekeeping and Women's First. Read more about me! Or follow me on Pinterest or Instagram
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